-amazed brazen crazed dazed-

-with the void already created, nothing quite fills it back the way it originated-

thx for everything. in this tribute, we shall see why i have becum like this. not that i knw n do it willingly, but i live life with a vengeance. think thats good? well im vengeful of everything n everybody. now.

Black Eye Peas sang "Where is the Love" n i ask the same question. i dun feel it ever in my life. juz once really. n i have since lost the willingness to feel it again. where is the love? wad is friendship love? brotherly sisterly love? family-ly love? quite sad huh.considering i seek solace in relatives cousins and friends n online pals but not the immediate people who live with me. hardly possible anymore. lost it.

so is it really my fault that i lost the will to be happy, to be gleeful without guilt? or is it i really lost the HOW to be truly happy? yes i realised i haven been able to smile like i used to. even to crack lame jokes. cuz nobody laughs anymore, nobody takes me seriously when i wan them to anymore. everything is just so wrong. The Incredible Sulk ya? coming from this background i realised that its quite miraculous i survived this far. 16. 18.. when will liberation come for me? so many corners to turn, so many promised turning points missed.

Where the alternatives are always better then the choices i made. Life needs more than a few UNDO buttons.

Praise when its due: the Pizza Hut crew at Jurong Point haf rather good service with smiles al around. i noticed theres one girl whose name tag seems to show "esther" who looks like a thinner smaller version of Makiyo. did she behave weird or did i? either way its just a passing remark. not that im gonna care about girls anymore anywhere anytime.

call me wad u want. a shameless brat. an ironic bastard. no sensse of self-irony. i heard it all. after all the most hurtful things are those i never get to hear n never get to explain myself. and so thus goes the story where those younger/older/richer/poorer/uglier/nicer/shorter/taller/brattier/obedient-er den me is getting what i want n not me. yes i m not content. inadequate. half-filled, perhaps even empty.

do i deserve at least someone to listen to me. perhaps i dun. cuz till now i haven got one. but i always listen without qualms. n in doing so perhaps ppl take it for granted that i m always there for them. n nothing gets near being reciprocated. i wish it does. though i knw i shud never ask for anything in return for my actions. cuz it never happens.

-stand by me..stand by me..stand by me-

我站在幸福的门外，却一直都进不来

when i thought of doing the same to u, i couldnt bear to do it, thinking it was selfish n dat i should give us a chance again. i could take the distance. u wouldnt try after the fall.and u bear to do it to me.

without a trace..