-shattered visuals of the ideal-

I FINALLY mustered the courage to throw away all the white stars i folded since i got out of BMT.
all the hundreds of stars i folded from torn strips of paper.
every single one thought of u would be represented by one star. i threw the whole box of them away.
its heavy yes. but i would never expect to see them come to use..
i was asked before "fold for who?" by my officer.
"nobody in particular" i answered. dont know whether to smile back or not.

something struck me this week too. that i still kept to what i used to make myself do. like eat the chicken wing cleanly. even the soft bones that i usually dont. and chew and chew and chew. and i still try to eat ginger even though i dont like it one bit. i guess im hopeless. who is there to know. but what i had set out to do to change myself has become a habit. no its not wrong.. is it?

had a very bad dream on wednesday night. i woke up totally grumpy. felt like beating up people totally if they came near me. it was so vivid. like i really got into the biting war of words with that asshole. and forced him to jump out of the window. or did i push him to the edge? but i had to stand for what i want right? i want to fight for my own happiness. my dreams. all the things i have never got the chance to. i dont want him to ruin it all. maybe he doesnt have to die. like i used to think. just leave. i be better.. we will be better...

thursday night was at Zes disco, Chevrons. haha the guys were all desperate i guess. even officer went to pick the chio-er guide for us. Rina.. i think.. then they were all like secretly ogling.. typical of army guys? lol.. and all the lewd actions.. i feel so paiseh to be "associated" like them. not all army guys are like that ah.. but wait.. even those with gfs... sigh..

(did i mention i got pushed into the same lift with her. just side by side.. idiots. but im used to these sabo-ing. i just smile at her. thats the only politcally right thing to do. i guess i did it well. not like those horny bastards.. >_<)

then i thrashed the idiots who challenge my Initial D. HAHAHA.. den the para para.. wish i had my bowling stuff.. kinda bored. den it was dinner and perfomances. and karaoke in the disco. my voice failed abit. couldnt hear myself. so my 发如雪 abit off tune. groan. felt paiseh..

-tuesday is V day. so fast. OC granted a whole nights off and book in on wed morning. hell. he doesnt realise how i would feel. and i didnt want to voice out. i wanna stay in camp. not be outside looking at others having dates. and they cancelled dinner and next days breakfast. what can i say? i wanted to stay in for the night. and dont have to travel the next morning. and dont have to see anything. guess i cant. shit . it sucks to be in the minority. even though only 4 have gfs... ya la ya la.. like he said "give u alot of time to sayang sayang before doing it la.... a few hours where got enough!?" nothing to say.."

meiz. haven heard from u about todays results... good or bad dont worry. im sure u can achieve your choice of course still. update me k? no matter what kor stand by u. and hope he is there for u too when u need him. not just to be good to u just to win u back ... all the best.

(oh ya.. and that day thanks for talking to me. but really dont be matchmaker for me. i really not interested to go thru that again.. even though i did say my hopeful criteria for gf. thx 4 ya concern meiz.. but really no. no need..)