-per-rye-vert and ee-yore bear- (me yeast you eeyore bear?)

tuesday saw my first time seeing people drunk and talking gibbberish.. heck even the normally quiet lawyer-to-be was blabbering in such a mock respectful tone that i could feel goose pimples. maybe even sucking up?

ack. saw him hugging the toilet bowl and puking. saw Gary's lunch of red bean soup when he throw up next to bed. haha. so much for thinking he had great tolerance for alcohol. happy hour sounds like boozing time challenge by MWO. the food wasnt enough either. so much for the cost we paid. swindlers..

the whole night i been doing the cooking and serving while others rotate cooking. i just keep doing the satay/chops/sausages otahs. phew. managed to finish all. and harldy ate enough. just serrving and watching the food "stare at the sky" cause towards the end no much was eaten still. gt bored i guess. then my shirt was like ashy.. clean up washup. heck i feel that perhaps i could make a living serving others. i dont mind even if i get hungry or bored or get no credit. perhaps this way i may get bullied more often?

butt of jokes- target of mockery- i swallow it all.

if people dont like me then be it. i dont have to live for others. this i learnt when i once lived for others and found out that not everyone reciprocates what i do for them.

moonshine. i didnt actually see the moon tonight. you did. with your perfect guy too.
enjoy the feeling while i reminisce.

heard that the cousin who married on my birthday is welcoming his baby first month le. waa. but somehow he regrets being a father this early. then another one too baby coming this month or so. wa. so many weddings i missed. so many blissful and happy celebrations i didnt participate in. to soak in that atmosphere surely is different for me now. perhaps i will enjoy it then, but sulk all the way home? late into the night even. oh how i wish.. ZJ girlfriend turning 21 next week loh... advance wish her happy birthday. dont forget me when your wedding dinner date confirmed hor haha. then maybe i be god father to your first kid. lol. give me chance to be "parent" ma..

-to be who i am and not what others want me to be-

-turnaround- ?

just so happens that mum asked am i talking to girlfriend so late at night.

how i wish i could reply Yes rightaway. i wouldnt be wrong. just that it was 9 months plus late. she too said if i have its okay to tell her, rather then becoming my cousin who got married on my birthday who is now fumbling with housing and baby problems.

too serious too soon?

everything could be better. wish the storms pass and the sun shines again.

-per-rye-bird. im a per-rye-bird person. more n more so-

ack. mid week was so tired out that somehow dreams came at full flow. so suddenly i was in the police force. awkward moments.

I WANT TO WATCH "BE WITH ME"!

then you came along. somehow you remembered you promised we would go swimming together after i asked so many times last time. you even arranged to meet me. i can sense the happiness. but also i can sense it was unreal. the surroundings i have never seen before. i knew in the dream i would wake up.

there are some dreams that you can rely on.

appreciate that call. sometimes i wonder if i had made the call how would you react. like the time when you sounded so defensive when i suddenly called. i shouldnt. yet i do. why.

alot of things have changed you know? ever since the day the skies turned grey. my health has never hit so low. my mood has never hit these lowly depths. i have never felt so wronged and misunderstood. and i took it all along with me. yes there was a period of time when i didnt care anymore. yet i realised what truly was my calling.

i couldnt forget.

many things however have changed for the better. perhaps i should apologise for making you feel so confined during the times when somebody else was in the way. perhaps i couldnt really communicate what i wanted. for you. but now things have changed. my point of view has changed. i havent woken up grouchy at all for nearly a month now. thats how positive it has become. yet something still feels lacking. i hope to fill this gap. but i will not just find anything anyhow to plug the hole.

never say never?

one thing that never changed is this heart of mine thats still beating. for there is only room for improvement. it will only get better.

"losing interest in girls means becoming gay?" let them say. for i wont be on the lookout. just as before.


i have become stronger. but there are still things that make me realise how weak i can be. and Mr CBL let me realise we are what we do. so now he is suspended because of what he did/ did not do. and so he is in no position to crack jokes on me or ridicule me.
"the joke's on you dummy.if you think you are very amusing"

"how tall was she ah?" Angelina asked me once.
" a little below my shoulder" i replied.
"WOW! thats very tall lah!" she said.

i still know how tall she becomes when she tiptoes.

-could feel i was gradually beginning to live my life the way i want, only to realise the wings i need to fly came in pairs, and i lost one half of the pair that i used to have. and only the same half would make me complete-

-truth is...-

-Theres a danger in loving somebody too much

and its worse when you know its your heart you cant trust.

Theres a reason why people dont stay the way they are

sometimes LOVE just ain't enough-

whos this inqusitive little boy? heard that he won some baby contest before too! wow. my hero.. wish i looked like him (>_<) 

-gazing in the mirror without my specs-

guess i really look easy to bully .

cuz that friggin Poon took advantage of my ignorance and wanted to push the blame on me. so be it. i have a clear conscience.

and if MR CBL thinks he can always take my stuff and turn it around as a joke on me i m telling you its not gonna be so easy for u ever again.

maybe theres no way to change how i look so as to avoid being pushed around by everyone. but i sure hell can push them back.

below is the past. above will be the future. with a few quips of course. too much words floating in my brain.

-cut it out-

hoohoo.. whose that girl.. and whose the boy looking away? lol.. one of my old bday pics taken at Taman Jurong Mac. hah. first girlfriend. lol.. 

-beaten.beat-

thursday 1/9
Macritchie Cross Country run. ah..feels good to be so close to nature. makes me forget everything i dont wish to care. the waters. the trees. the feeling of nobody else around. even the flash rains didnt bother me. why take shelter? its not everyday u get to soak in the rain!

friday/saturday/sunday...whoa. nearly two full days in camp. slept alone in the whole bunk for 20. cool. had the world to myself. i guess i can get used to this. but ack. didnt see anything SPECIAL. oops..wasted?

in the guard room looking at squirrels fight each other. feed the fish. follow the butterflies and birds. wore more layers as it started to rain heavily. i thought about..how..someone would cope with the heavy rain and winds. ack. why should i. im inferior.

-stop these mumbling in my head-

260702--261204

the way fairy tales should stay-> fake.

“他也许没有你的体贴，也不可能有你对我这样细心。“

so despite having some better points i am beaten.

-stop these noises in my head-

there are too many things i done that others see wrongly. Gary you be my judge. Meiz you too. and Sir please dont look at me that way.

wrongfully accused. intentions unknown

-stop these voices in my head-

down the road. i dunno. what gives. and i m critical no more. to myself maybe. but i will shut up.