-30102005-

-on MSN. no talk. dont dare to. just peek. double click. saw the pic. ask for it. admit. be it. so i lost. ugly me. no pic to ever keep. wad a memory. be sad. too bad. dont ever want to grow up. going through breaks. heartache. lines on the palm. even said by Mum. broken lines. shattered dreams. tearing blood and bleeding tears. give up. so what if become smarter in the way it should be. wasted. too bad. me or you. screw-

-silver-

is the monetary benefit really worth my slogging? i wouldnt know. but it would be nice to see better results. and a healthier bank account. though i cant get gold this year. i can sill try next year. $200.

11.25 run 2.4km
9 pull ups
9.5 sec shuttle run
41 slowly done sit ups
243cm standing board jump. too bad they only gave til the max number they see. i went over the line grr..

$100 incentive. and a whacked knee. and a strained calf. i hope the injury isnt permanent. but two days on it still feels runny..

new achievements... nobody to congratulate me.. nobody to even talk to me. i loiter at orchard alone. treat myself to 2 cds. wander and look at others happily in pairs. and began to rain.. and feel the aching in the knee.

win some lose some? cant i even be happy for one day? in fact winning the $100 even got me more teasing from friends. even if they dont mean it. i still feel like a dork. everything i do is used against me. sue me for trying hard to improve myself then.

i worked for so much stuff. dont i deserve the fruits of my labour?

-shock-

how come for so long a dream of such effect came to me again..

i was out alone walking aimlessly and about to go home. but i noticed you jl n px and another friend together.
it was so real. i just stooped my head low and pretend i didnt see and walk away. yet i turned one round and went back to say hi to you all. i thought it was real. it was so close to me. yet so far...

i joined you 3 for western dinner. you were wearing a white tee. then i was left out as the 3 of you were talking. then came a rough looking guy who went over to your side and became quite agitated and talked to you. i could tell that you were scared. i immediately cut between the two of you and confronted man and shouted at him
" what do you want?" i knew you dont know who he is.. maybe you do but i dont know..
i distracted him and ask the girls to bring you off first. then i stopped him and went off with you all. i took you off to hide somewhere. and i felt your hand around mine once again. the way it used to be. of trust. of love. and of joy. i took you away from the place. the others just left..just like that.

we went to a sweet shop where you were looking for something. i climbed up to take for you and the uncle at the shop say " what a caring boyfriend you have." you just smiled. i wanted to clarify that you were not, just my ex.. but u just took my hand and went out after buying the stuff. u held my hand close to you like before. the smile that i remembered back on your face. lets go somewhere alone you said. i realised that you never stopped the loving..

perhaps.

i dont want to say anything to scare you. im just saying that some of my dreams do happen. i dont want it to happen of course. cause if it does i will have to be there to save you. of course, if it happens like my dream i wont run away i will take you along. cause no one else helped you.

do you watch the channel 8 9pm show. saw the sliding down the slope thing they played? i never had the chance to bring you to play at MacRitchie Reservoir. i dont blame anyone. i never had the luxury of time and chance to plan anything special and memorable. i played it so many times before long before i went sec 3 i think. yet when i ask people not many know. some even laugh at me. but i want to share this simple joy with the one i...

nvm.

the sequence of events that never should have happened.

-why is it that whenever i put my trust into people whom i gained to associate to they always disappoint in the end. and to have them turn around with others to gang up on me. i dont even have biases in the beginning until i trusted you all, yet now the foe is your friend and im the fool in the eyes of you all. cant i have die-hard friends who can side with me whenever i do anything at all? why cant the rest see through the hypocrites?! and WHY CANT I EVER LEARN TO BE A HYPOCRITE!?!?!-

-i have heard someone said to me before.有时候你得假一点，但是你不可对我假啊!-

am i to blame that i cant do it? i have to show everything i think? that i cant act in front of anyone?

im bad. im bad at this game called life. it sux when you know you suck even at being bad. bad guys rule. being good makes you a loser. everything goes your way when you are bad. how fair this is....

-devotion-

"...active love is that which will require you, at some point , to put aside self-interest in favour of the good of the other and the relationship"

: The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky


LOVE is like a fire. The starting, the crackling of flames on dry wood and leaves are the most beautiful. But to sustain the flames needs effort. Coals and fuel dont matter when you always have flames. Thus have a lot of wood to contribute to this fire to keep it flaming.

...and another 3 on the other hand.. 6 unsuccessful holes poked and they cant get an IV drip on me! BUMS! ( and ouch the pain..) 

grrrrr! stupid medics and the bloody MO! here lies four holes.... 

-words get in the way-

放任无奈淹没尘埃
我在废墟之中守着你走来
我的泪光承载不了
所有一切你要的爱

因为在一千年以后
世界早已没有我
无法深情挽着你的手
浅吻着你额头-JJ Lin

heck. today blogger is screwed up. all the icons jumbled and formating out of place. why do i always return weekly to find some problems with the com? bullcrap what happens when im not around?

and yet i suffer the wrongs i didnt commit.

tingting if u can see this juz to remind you our leg dont bend them too much uneccessarily too. after exams go for your scan ya. hmm and sorry about today. maybe i just couldnt stand the guy's behaviour and words ba. but if i were you i would just let him fade away. well we are all different.

oh and you said words mean alot to you. hmm. ok lets see. haa but i doubt anyone reads my blog anyways..

new phase going start le. jamesy boy also in my camp now haha. but he cant stay in. what a waste of money..
blackout during the day the thunderstorm. heck the whole building is so old we are even scared to restart the circuit box. just sleep in the darkness and wait..