-whizzing sparklers. platter dinners. merry Xmas-

and im particularly inept at soccer. so i miss. so i cant control spectacularly. so i fumble. what about my flashes of brilliance? the post ricoheting my efforts after going past so many others. flicks and angled drives. i am proud of those aimed shots. so you all rather i miss spectacularly huh. at least im close. and i dont make stray passes. i pride myself for that.and so i am never good enough for all the judges in life.

they can crash harder. flick andmake you look stupid. go for the man before the ball. run selfishly and hog the time. be absolute hypocrites. go on. my conscience is clear. as usual i cannot be a hypocrite and liar without heart. my downfall.

look. i can blame no one. the skill-less me. anyone can tell me my forte? if not. can i sulk? am i wrong to sulk? to try to hold back the humiliation upon the standards i hold for myself? oh ya. and talk behind my back. i can get used to it. even talking to my face seem like a luxury nowadays. its always me. target of flaming. no matter where. past work place. Sec 234. now here. why do i always wanna get out of a place before my time is due. what did i not do/ did i do..

i can get used to the blood.

19 Dec
knew you would call. about the new show on 9pm slot. and offered to go shopping with me if i cant find anyone. oh. so whatever happened to what you said about attached girls shouldnt go out with other guys alone. double standards for yourself? cause you need friends. they are the most important people in your life. should i be thankful that you see me so SPECIALly? after all you are happy now. all the things we shared are shared with someone else. i can see the exact words used. can i be blamed? sorry while i burst. *click* -dead tone.. the phone went silent-

20 Dec. Gas Chamber. haha. i knew i wouldnt miss this chance. so i purposely took out my mask and opened my eyes to test the potency of the tear gas.. woohoo.. listen to them complain about the biting on the body i guess i am the only "stupid" enough (or brave enough.. er hmmm..) to test the tearing gas. ooh.. i never felt such an urge to cry out.. its stinging on sweat, and forcing my eyes to gush. silly me. but who had the most memorable experience? i did. whee... while the others panic ad rush to clear their eyes with water.. if i have the chance i go in naked. and test how long i can stand the gas..

and the same bugger few with no guts on their own, discussing dance steps for the event coming up. played the music and asked me to demo /think of a few para para steps to dance with the music just becuase they seen me do it before.. and i did coordinate them. only for them to pour more cold water. apparently just to embarrass me.. laugh of course. who doesnt like to follow Fatty G's comments. the most well-liked of them all. its always typical of those who know how to put on a show when they have to. and break the rules when they can. thats how you gain popularity.

and whoever listens to me.

21st Dec. Xmas event. man the karaoke machine. make people laugh. dare people and drink tigers.. turkey lamb and hams. officers praise me for my bit in the performance. sing 黄昏。sing 开不了口 (feel like crying) with Zoan. (sorry Tim i wont take her away from you de.. haha) sing hokkien song with ZJ. sing How Deep Is Your Love.. and Zoan pop in to sing together also.. laa.. my song choice good.. but very dry.. waterrrrr...

feels the Xmas spirit. but why oh why when it all ends i feel so deflated again. perhaps wondering what will Xmas be like. going through it alone. again.