-expectations-

weight

gaining on me

heavy

heavier

faster

when you are not improving

you are lagging behind

i have my responsibilities

along with my needs and wants

what do i seek to accomplish?

i lived my life, always for others

i see that if i can help i will not avoid it

but do i ever see myself being happy

at that moment

yes

but not when i need help

and get nothing from the people i helped

not even a second look or concern

yet i plough on

i closed my own appt today

my first.

im good?

i dont think so.

it wasnt depending on what i said.

if not i would have closed 2

but i knew it was a start

plenty more to do

plenty more of setbacks

plenty more to improve

but fast

FASTER

i must be up to speed

'cause there are people looking up to me.

i cant slow down

not catching my breath

i push for the first hurdle

get the coat

get the wallet

get the money

go with the gift tie Von gave me

(thx dear. and sorry for the little things i had to make you worry)

i

want to be somebody

for the people who matter in my life

look up to me

believe in me

see the value in me

i want that

it will be enough

to die with a smile

princess

your 'purple' first appearance caught me

lingering

fluttering

'heart'

but sorry

what ever it might be

what ever people might say or suggest

i dont think

i will do anything

i need more signs

call it a wound

call it a hunch

call it untimeliness

call it fear

or call it cowardice

go on laugh at me

make me stronger

for once i weep

i return harder to break

come this far

so near to a taste for the first time in life

people to thank

poeple who appear at times i need

just by being there

t-h-a-n-k-s

reject me. keep me out in the cold. i dont mind.

but follow me. believe me. i will bring you to the sky.

along with me. see you at the top.

'cause you see what i can

and you believe

therefore i will live up to your faith

this my oath to those who see it

and my curse those who dont give a shit.

cause its not easy. to be. me.