is it a mess? or is it an intricate flower.. 

oohh.. a little faerie i see in the Istana grounds. nope..a flower..sigh.. if only i got a Canon 350D... :( 

zugzug. didnt know i would go in. for this walk-about that costs $2. okay so its for charity. alright... 

-recollections-

a little more than a year ago. CNY could have been a landmark of my life. i was to bring someone to grandma's house for the day.

tsunami it away.

and yesterday these little thoughts came back. of the times u bit me. until i dropped tears once. and once left a mark on my shoulder. and once i heard my finger crack.

let it slip away.

oh ya did i mention not much fate online? haha i come u no around. i not here u hanging there. i peeped and saw u yesterday in my hp msn. den i went to sleep. i could log on. guess i dont see the need to. dunno if u saw. aww too bad.
and you should change the way u ask people things. your not the queen of the world. although i treated u as one before.

yay.. tml go bank in moeny. go chiong ktv. go rus house overnight. big money! at least something special for CNY. more of this to come!

- wait... am i obliged to?-

BAH!..

im used to waiting. and not breaking promises is my principle. so maybe i get bullied. or its just another way of paying back to people whom i owe something. really. i dont blame anyone. i just do the wwaiting.

BAH!..

why did u come into my dream again.

how am i going to erase all this.

or am i even determined to forget all that..

that smile. those soft words. that sincerity in your eyes. the hug from behind. the joy. my jump for joy. our hand in hand.

F^*# ... like its ever gonna happen . maybe if i fear it enough it may just happen. like before. all the dreams about u going missing.

that face. whispering "still loving you" into my ears. i should have slapped myself there and then. not letting it continue. all the tv shows are fake. slapping yourself in a dream to wake up is not possible.

its all too real. and all the more disappointing to wake up with a hangover like that.

and it feels like.... crying..

-wait...-

seems like i have never let others wait before. and its only me who's always waiting..

i came online after so many tries ..if not for meiz i would be hanging around doing nothing. and u stay online just to stay "Away". so whats the fuss about wanting to call and make me wait till 230am? im not obliged to wait am i ?

i should just heck it all. im after all not the best there is, even what i try to make up for i wont succeed.

meiz did u sleep well? dont read till too late hor.. u dont have enough off days to rest..

-writer's block-

GAWD...

how could i get a writer's block today.. cant even think of a title..

anyways.. pretty average week.. a couple of late nights with Q Rus and GEP (though not all are involved intensively at the same time) trying to think up ideas and songs for the MMP for promotion/closing night. and having to go thru the "board of censors" of one man. lol. well it was fun.. though i would have added more controversial stuff but.. for the public good.. i shan't.. haha

hmm.. did hear abit about lao da's problems while he was outside. sigh. why do girls/scenarios always feel the same? its always either the guy is overprotective or dont care enough. please. there is no in between for girls. its always either too much or too little. even zoan agrees. forget it man. hearing all this makes me even more determined. if i ever ever "lucky or unluckily" get involved in the same scenario, i will not carry on. i will just end it there and then. why do guys always have to be the party to be blamed. i see how lao da used to save money like me on own stuff just to spend on stuff and times together with his gf. and even he tried with all 4 ex that he had: dont care too much/ protective/ heck care/ overprotective. its always either this or that!

nobody will ever know what we go thru. so i sympathise with u lao da..
but sorry i couldnt say anything or advise anything about that at the time.
me too have not figured out. but if its not your fault. really. all 3 of us think so too. sad to say, girls twirl us around at their will, breaking promises when they think it is acceptable without asking about our opinion.

oh ya. and its always outside environment and people who influence them. school mate. work colleague. am i not surprised..

so all i can say lao da is.. good luck. happy new year and don go chasing after the shadows u cant grasp. for if you feel that she has become the man in the r/s and u got no say.. its better that it ends early rather than in divorce.

like im in the position to say that...

if only i can think that way too... thats only good for others that i advise..

i want a permanent haircut. leave it there and dont touch. *whines~*

hate moi face. loves everything else.

-sing song-

最爱你的人是我， 你这么舍得我难过

在我最需要你的时候，没有说一句话就走。。。

啊。everyone pull a girl to take photo. like all couple like that. some even gung ho go hug the guy to take..

seeing them have fun. man. i dun even know how to have fun at these places anymore? gosh. im just sitting there staring at the karaoke screen and sing to myself. jeannie must be thinking im crazy to sit at the bar and sing to myself and not part of the others playing a fool..

zoan got award. ha. and cry. but tim never go give her tissue. chey! buay steady.. then we 2 sing the above song lor.. and Lemon Tree.. ahh siao go sing girls song how to hit the pitch.. newer jay chou song also dont have. Eug ask me sing solo without the music. i did. lol.. a bit here and there la..

cant wait to get home only. left at the earliest possible. leave my lao da there.. paiseh hor.. i very spoilsport.. i dunno how to play la.. cant even mingle.. only the closest we know there only.. i think even zoan think i autistic/depression.

argh. why am i feeling so weird. its like a long time never had this feeling le. im following some rules.. reserving myself. for what. or for who? i cant get out of this mental prison. and stop dreaming about the impossible. cant wait for it all to end.

do i care. i guess i do. but. i know its all the wrong signals.

but still. we dont talk. i cant continue a conversation. just like before. i guess thats where i disappoint. nah.

-truth is...-

-Laugh and the WORLD laughs with You!

CRY and the world Laughs Louder-

wise words.

-看着月亮想的故事-

是否每一个故事都要有个结局？

在艳阳高照时，两人在草原上野餐，听着鸟鸣，吹着凉风，闻着花草香。
我愿这诗情画意永不消失。

在下雨时，和你在海边的凉亭里避雨，拥抱着取暖，
我愿这场雨永远下不停。

一到深夜，好想在摩天轮与你一同过着两个人的空间，
我愿时间永远停留在这一刻。。。

一个外表没什么突出，内涵也没什么令人佩服的我。。 这可是我的简单爱。


因为我。而成熟了。能飞去寻找自己的快乐了。

因为我。而勇敢了。不怕了。

好久没有听到有人向我说两个字了。。。


b4 i had u: "Love is a game for the beautiful, the handsome and the lucky. Not Me"

during... (,") (",) ^_^ .. (-_-")

after: "love is not by choice. its not by will. it has never been a game to me and it never will be, not like so many other people out there. yes i like the feeling, no i wont thirst for it.

i know it may never come again. not that im brave enough to accept it once more.
1 year on. i have grown.

Guys are brothers。 to get dirty with。 to drink 。and fight 。and quarrel 。and play。 to earn rewards and get punished together.

i guess 女生只能让我觉得是一种责任。保护，照顾。安慰。不让他们流泪，害怕或生气。

我像这样也应该足够了。not that i mind.

who still knows me!?! i doubt theres more than 3..

[illegal stuff is fun! woo hoo! vroom vrrroooooom!]

25/12/2005 ...opened the box.. and whee! thats aww so sweet.. havent had a Xmas present for so long.. bearyhip doggiez+watch.. thx... luv it.. =^_^= 

24/12/2005 wee.. a box.. wonder whats inside..