-paying it forward. to u-

another week passed in EDT. target appts met. target closings not met. its ok i guess. nobody said its going to be easy. paying it forward and helping people. some people dont want to be helped. but its ok i did my part.

one of the most signifcant first things u said
"u wanted to do a job or something in future that will help people"
ur right. and so i do agree. why are we so much alike. and perhaps being so much alike made it difficult to have two "same" people together.

the exact words i wanted to say yesterday after supper
(holding your hands) " actually i still love u and im still concerned for your well being. that is why i want to pay it forward to u by helping u whenever wherever i can without asking for any favours back from u. of course i want u to live happily and without any worries for the future that is why i let u go dream and set specific targets to see what u want to do after schooling. if not u wont be able to see the path u want to take. u are special and important to me and i dont want to see anything untowards happen to u. sometimes i dont know what u are thinking when u look away silently or dont pay attention [or u just pretend?]. but i hope u dont fear me and dont doubt my intentions. cause alot of things now i cant directly influence and only through words. people may not like change. and only listen to things that interest them. thats why i hope u will take what i say seriously. all the best [my dear]"
but i didnt say the entire thing. i didnt want to let u go frustrated hearing stuff u didnt want to hear. but i was glad u took what i said seriously this morning and told me ur more specific targets already. i m very glad u listened. i will help u in what ever ways possible. because i feel that i should.

going for the best in life doesnt mean u have to forgo other little things along the way.
hitting the target isnt the most rewarding thing cause its the journey that lets u gain more.

u can ask me about buying u adidas and "shoe-shoe" [shu-shu.. the way u pronounce]
but why i just cant understand why cant he buy for u? he doesnt know? he cant afford? u two cant share?
or just that u cant bear to spend his money.

so what about me. what about the bigger things i plan for u.

this morning. i can already guess u going his house. i dont mind accompany u on the way on the phone. and all the messages u type that i didnt see but u look and guess who i send my sms to. but why i just dont know why. u cant repeat things to me when i cant hear them properly. u know how bad i feel? is it my fault that my hearing not so good? and that i cant ask? sorry k.. i dont know reallydontknow

i dont know if u are angry. u just put down the phone. but nvm u going to his house. maybe he will cheer u up.

i can only gripe about the times when i can do more. cause 2nd chances dont usually come.

fetching home.suppers.see my friend.sitting downstairs.talking.staring at the sky.walking home.
tired? yes? but a fair price to pay. cause i know i was there.