- down-ed - *but dont say i not trying to get back up*

I HAVE NO AMBITION
I HAVE NO DESIRE
I CANT FEEL A PASSION TO DO SOMETHING BIG
I NEVER VISUALISED BEING A REAL LEADER

REALLY? REALLY MEH? REALLY GOT MEH? HOW CUM I DUNO LEH?

restart engine..rrrr
i accept it all as a means to improve
its ok


29th March
heard something
long conversation through sms
knew alot
perhaps too much
let to overclouding of my brain
couldnt sleep
(in fact i dreamt alot of the wrong things)


and the biggest pain was
my feelings are always misplaced
to the very (coincidental) people who will leave me feeling so much alone (times a million exponentially)
so bear with me
while i bare all
its not so nice to even write it all here
but i know

why i swear to keep myself to myself (and someone else)
why the feeling is still...there
i shall keep it
while maintaining my principles
and my directions
because i am still faaaaarrrrr..


and i cried in the cab today
i chose to cab
because i cannot see myself standing in the train
and uncontrollable
i felt lonely
very
lonely

-ending soon-

coming week finally can close my own appointment..
but got to go for a wake..so untimely.. hmm *skip*

erm.. a little about the surroundings..
friends like distancing
trying to understand?

ahh and U..
make me wait into the night
cause
u said u will call me later
i know u will forget
go and sleep
but i still wait..
even when i turn off the sound.. no calls


windy night
falling leaves and twigs
so nice-y
but alone
ya i know..that sucks

productivity max-ed
i feel im on fire now
what can stop me?
hee.. im not content yet
U may scold me
but i have not achieved what i really want yet
and thats beyond money

earrings..haiz..why...

learn from Jiajia --- *cHing!*
back to camp soon..groan

-leave. it all. here-

ahh..messy
all the extra time i have now
baaadly managed..
still tired everyday
BOO

really sad about the earrings.
i dont know what happened too.
its too embarrasing
but i would never short change U
i would never save on U
silly
so just let me see
and we go shop for it ..
its my fault


observation this week:
there are funny people around
who just mindlessly follow through on the things
they already know will not benefit them in the long run
or that they do not see it as just "lazy" to change for a positive setting?
or mindless optimism towards a better change
even when nothing is happening..
sometimes..knowing the future,even the possibilities,are scary..

so hope minz knows what is really going through her mind
and U too know what U really want
and i know what i really want to do and my priorities

stable
afford-able
empowered
dedicated


at least i know i haven strayed from my believes
or changed myself because of circumstances
that would have been the traits of a weakling

加油

always.be.here.with.u

i only know that no matter how things turn out in the end
or how hurting the things u say to me...

i will persevere on

cause i know

i am doing the right thing

for myself

and hopefully u will see it too

optimistic (to a certain extent)

-baackkk..and fired up-

the exercise is over..
preparation for the end
i am all but ready
to pursue what i want
all
the
way

with u in hand.
i hope.

when u were at office
"she very pretty meh"
"quite cute la"
"whos she ah?"

i just brushed aside
because today my intention
is to help u pave ur future
and not having to work in an environment hazardous to ur brittle health

maybe in the end i will be thanked and rewarded
but i prefer to see it myself
and feel what i want
without others saying or showing it
but let the reality be my answer

isnt that so much better?

and i dare to dream all over again
this is stuff worthy of my pursuit
all over again
even the slightest possibility

-heard:agreed-

why do people of different gender always compare superiority or abilities
dont they understand that equality of sexes is impossible?!

because men and women are supposed to complement each other

-the whirlwind of 10 march-

meeting u
in green + denim skirt again (not that its boring...dont get me wrong)
i can never be later than u..
can see u are quite tired..why? missing him..too much?

shopping
bubble tea
u looking at girls
shoes (bought one pair for u at Far East..where's my slippers.. >_<)
tops
dinner at suki sushi (yucks..remind me next time not to eat there again)

i dont plan to be very rich and keep making money u know?
i just want to have a career and not having to worry in the future
and i want it partly
because my core reason is U
thats as much from the start
i want to let u see
its more than whatn u think im doing
so what if today i am a Regional manager or Regional Sales Director
when the people dearest to me are still stuck in the rat race or working their life away
i want u to see something else
work smart
earn even better
and have better health and more time
even if in the end
u end up with someone else
im ok
just that i wont be much happier than before
but if u find ur bliss
go ahead
really :)


i am still puzzled..how can someone with breasts wear something that can reduce them?
i only heard of from nothing-to-something
but never something to nothing?
haha..joke of the day..even u were shocked..

u lacking nutrition now is it.. or u are just bothered by things u shouldnt care..?
be more confident of what u already have
u are not what u always say u are..
far better..
u have always been
take care.. i will be outfield for exercise for 3 days..


its a date 300 next saturday..ok?


looking very forward....to 21st March..

-stomach pain again-

urgh
sudden change of plans
thought stay in
but
nvm
go home recharge ...
(now..whats wrong with my stomach when everyone ate the same food)

can i help but notice this pair of lower secondary students from different secondary schools
at JE platform? -hugging-
no i dont think its anyones fault that i miss being in love
Stupidly

U are hot
as usual
so it doesnt really matter where am i
or what i am doing
my mind drifts
temperatures a rising

a bit duh..
got complimented of my SIZE
by a fellow guy

what struck me this week
U said:
everything to you is about money now isnt it
i didnt know how to answer it
i only know what i want to achieve for all of Us
for now..can be measured that way..before i go elsewhere..
so..im sad u said it that way..

-am i mental?-

i got these voices in my head
who would understand
a moment of silence
will start a conversation
in my head
with no relevant topic or catalyst nor response

im nuts
in need help
i dont know how can my attitude change so much
i know its never acceptable for myself
to fight for money
but
i dont want to be stuck in this shit
liberate
when will my troubles end
i have the opportunity
people around me dont seem to want it as bad as i want them to have
老板的心态
i think..getting blurred

maybe i dont deserve it yet
actions doesnt match commitment yet..
i dont know
i need help


whats going on with the world
9 year old mum
12 year old sex partner
when i was that age
wasnt it about exams
hopscotch
cartoons
running about
snacks
but not procreating...right?
so isnt it ironic
everyone is having sex
except me
haha.
like i really care
but it just tingles me
people of the future?

thats why
i told U before
i feared for oUr future
everyday living
housing
oUr future kids in this society
when i didnt have plans
during then
i was lost wihtout a direction
i had wanted U to find someone else
who is capable of taking care of U
because i looked at my own family
in shambles
but even at that moment i know i was wrong
i didnt want it
i should never have that thought
i am guilty
of thinking too much
outrageous
and letting U doubt my sincerity

now

im ready
to face whatever crap may happen
precautions
whatsoever
its just this
incomplete part of me
through this beginning of the journey
i have no fear
because take it or leave it
im in it
for good
alone
or otherwise
and i hope i know
that the people i want to help around me
can finally understand me
so i can be granted the wish
of carrying a smile on my face
when i enter my coffin
and return to Earth