-dissecting dreams-

- i realised even in my dreams i wonder about your safety. i wish you are careful. i dreamt that you were attacked and attempted molest by a guy. and i was watching in the shadows before it happened. of course i scrambled to help you. but what if it comes true? im not there.-

too. dreamt of me being a girl. something new. but one things' not new. i lost my boyfriend in a shopping mall and running frantically to find him back. yea. the divide between reality and fantasy is so real, i woke up almost crying again. im still scared of dreams. cause they just might come true. i have seen so many of them..happening.. anyone knows about my dreams where i cant find my girl.........

fatigue struck on thursday after nights out. no idea why we woke up drowsy till we were toppling during class. and the same people are still bugging me. with new additions of course. LICKER is what they mispronounce him as.. and boy oh boy does he deserved to be whacked one day. during tuesdays soccer, tim zj and yours truly wer running ragged for our team. then comes LICKER with the magnetic touch to trip me tumbling twice. and even body-bashing to get the ball when i was turning him out to shoot. stop your hypocritical apologies, its just that nobody can see the look on your face but everyone can and will see through you. 2 years isnt very long, and will you be surprised what happens to you at the end...

sourdough face hasnt been as bad as before. perhaps we could really be as good as normal friends. conversations can be struck up well enough.. haha.. just that he still has the snide remarks and bossy attitude without daring to speak up himself instead.

LBK. joke of the group. we can never fathom what is going through his mind. and it will be very scary with him alone at night. bear with him i guess.. and laugh at him. not with him. because we never can get it..

hi seow ken. was really encouraging the other day talking to you. yea i did try.. it worked 5 days as i got out of my old shell.. will work harder. but i really gotta try being bad. u never know what can happen.. but thx for the advice/encouragement. its working.. at least something in my life is working..


-我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由说你不爱我
就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走
是你受伤的藉口
请你回头我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛是我给的承诺-

-gone. enjoy-

early wake up and still came to an inactive handphone.. i guess i should just terminate my line..
went to Alexandra Hospital. x-ray and blood test wait. cold. discharged. everything is alright. sheesh. i didnt understand the x-ray film one bit. but he says fine. im fine then.

Jp for drifting with Julian. heck. to think i started out using Trueno. and look at how others surpass me. why is it that i can never excel in something that others cant do as well? heck. not even second best..and even being second best is not good enough. in life im always a "almost-there". screw this. just go home and rot.

tonight's bp's anniversary dinner. and somehow popped a message asking whether i was going. how i wish i am going. but what was i thinking. not much friends to see there. and not much things to look forward to. yes perhaps seeing u is something i can look forward to. but.. what will i do? who will i see? im trapped in the dilemma of wanting/not wanting. and so i left it as it is. i didnt buy the ticket. and ensured u will have a happy night, not having to avoid anything or anyone( or perhaps i just think too much).

hi meiz.. if ur reading this.. hows your parade? smart number 1 uniform right? envious.. i never had the chance to.. and alot of stuff i never will get to try in life. like .... nvm..

tough luck. i lost another friend this week. and again its of no fault of mine.

so i will miss my movie. Initial D. gone. never getting the chance to watch it. thats normal to me. missing the greatest stuff i can ever want.

-going on. blaming self. becoming the greatest loser far worse than those that i criticise. yet the biggest idiot is myself. peace.-

when was the last time i wept? 6 months ago. and i succumb to my emotions again.

i hope you are reading. and you too. not because i want you 2 to pity me. but to see what i feel. and what i did. which i didnt do at all. fault? let it be all mine.

-so far. the panjang me. muka macam tahi-

so goes another week. countless falling asleeps and late wake ups.. hell the people are starting to get on my nerves. beginning with this SC freak with the sour dough (bread) chimp face.. ha. so whats with the obsession with the pumping iron? with your frame and face and totally CMI attitude, nothings gonna make you a chick magnet.. unless you dont have that intention.. just be content with being the midget that you are and sob in the miserable corner of your life.. oh.. and with that in mind.. i see that you cant handle and manage a blog yourself too . i think so. " i wont be a sissy. girls write blogs." so u say. i bet you dont have the language aptitude to handle one yourself! ha. how many millions of bloggers are male too? writting a blog makes u a girl? so your just chewing sour grapes and whining after somebody criticised your sorry behind on the Net.. also that only highlights your lack of linguistic capability. too many bombastic words for you already eh? oh ya..and you said you WILL say whatever you think directly and not post some stupid blog.. hell yeah.. i did notice you trying to coerce others to say what you feel to the person intended... "hey tell him to stop complaining like a girl and move that thing".. so this is our way of speaking up.. in volumes barely audible from 1 metre onwards. COWARD

hmm.. the morning mist and the rain the night before created a red mist.. such beautiful sights appear whenever i dont have a camera with me.. they say life's nicest things exist in flashes. and i miss the opportunity to capture them all everytime. or did i not?

i asked Quentin to slap me the next time i talk too loud/too much. he refuses. he says i rather be noisy than quiet. but why cant he understand . haha.. nobody will anyway.. i have to make it known. i wan to be different from the past. i have to stop being irritatin. heck its getting to me too...

BORED FROM MOBILE ACTIVITY. i guess im just detestable. so whats with the lack of replies and not picking up my call. just wanting a shout out. but no. no chance in hell. How do timothy and quentin seem so happy everyday.. quentin has those sweet moments every night calling Adele, while we chide him.. timothy? never seen him sulk at all.. happy go lucky.. some people have all the luck.

12-13-14 July. never felt so good doing fatigue duty ( aka work-that-nobody-else-wants-to-do-give-a-choice)
built a scaffold and climbed to a height never experienced b3fore.. truly top of the world. scary? not at all. i like the rush of danger in my blood. the feeling of having your life suspended on a thin line of error gives me a kick like no other. i guess if any insurance company knows about this i may not be able to buy any policies at all.. haha. hanging up banners and flags. Eugene's birthday on the 12th.. haha had a drinking session with all of them.. fries,chicken,duck,nuts, oily stuff. yesh and Tiger.. hoho.. 5 mugs! never had this before.. and looking at all of them turning red-faced ..what a good laugh. luckily we didnt have to carry anyone back.. lol..

with all that junk inside my body, seeing all the others turn crazy, i never thought i would wake up so angry.. yes its a dream. and what a dream that was. Going to your house. getting welcomed. even by you. and talking with your with smiles. can i afford it now? i dunno. but the thing is. so many other guys are there too. if im not wrong your yandao Yichang is there too. and i feel so distanced even though we spent more time together than you spent with him. and deep inside i know the me in the dream was positively trying to win you back. and you werent as harsh and firm on not letting me ... my dreams. they are killing me. what do they mean. they either come true, or the exact opposite happens. I don wanna know. i m so scared of dreaming again. 6 months on this is the second time i am scared of dreaming yet again. God. why do i deserve these trials and tribulations.

(being called "panjang" by the others. getting laughed at)

-God. gave me the gift of height. took away everything else. 19 years on i know not of my forte. except failing everything i try and doing badly at everything i like-

-finally?-

wonder why singtel has this policy of letting their ladies wear white t-shirts? was at BB singtel changing buying hp and plan.. cant help was lingering around for a while.. din knw i could splurge on chocs and sweets.. been quite a long time since i did something like that.

oh and thx for reading my blog. i hardly know anyone would do so..

i didnt stop anyone from reading anything. i cant. and i dont wish to. so thx for the person who linked to my page. so sincerely wishing everyone quisquis amat valeat . and i really mean continue reading..... (,") (",)

-an organised mess is me-

-过去像影子的她如今已像旧伤口留下的疤
同样是形影不离但跟随着的已不再是甜蜜的滋味
“我们还是好朋友”现已成为你给我最痛苦的安慰。
现实。。。
一个不想回忆的过去。-

sick of playing catchup. in everything. be it my lectures. be it initial d skills. im sick of being lousy. PPL say i m better then i think i m. which is true. and the truth is also dat alot of ppl think they are better then me too. which is much more obvious to me.

those kids who have so much money and so much free time to get so many cars and learn their pros and cons to drive so well.. heck everythings falling apart for me. to date what am i good at? i struggle to point out any. at all.

am still waiting for u to agree to go the movies with me. i don wanna miss them. please. give me something i wanna hear. and thanks for trying to make me fall asleep at 1am... and ur laughter did make my day..better..

-an organizer of mixes, a mixed up organised mess-

-what is this tinge of loneliness i feel, the centre of helplessness that is me-

lagging behind in my course due to my hospitalisation, i feel so lost. im not going to be so super fast in catching up with the rest. and the advancement is too fast. heck i cannot even do the basic of what is needed. im never that much of a brainiac in studies, even when i found the drive to mug at night it doesnt work when i get a little panicky. hell. am i doomed to fail. i dont like the feeling of being inferior. never.

all this schmuck going on.. even birds pick on me. got "bombed" when i book out. bag buckle snapped when walking out. carrying the bag by one sling and holding on to the other end my ezlink expired. had to fish for coins. and found out that julian had to book out late. peeved. never felt so wronged. is everything my fault.

and i realised that my understudy in cars has surpassed me. wow. nothing works around me anymore. in fact. everything works better than what i can do now. come on people.. get close to me and who knows u may be better off..

july 2. ack. luck still stinks. Zara had nothing within my budget/taste range. settled for a 77th Street belt. wanted to shop for more but.. thinking of my finances.. can only drool. bumped into lily on the bus and still felt weird that why din i notice her that much in the past. good luck for your A's this time gal! and there she goes waiting for her bf.. haha..

apologies to the 7-11 at Far East Plaza.. i still have no idea how the Big Gulp fell over the counter. i swear it was stable and i did not move it.. made a big mess in a small cramped place

-still got the same old empty feeling. perhaps its me who is afraid of loneliness? or perhaps once i tasted it i hated losing it this much. will YOU be my love. or just an attraction that fades and isnt real. if thats the case, i wont persist. i wont ever do something for the sake of doing it.-

dont leave me hanging. reply me. talk to me. just dont keep the silence