can see? gawd..damn embarrassed. one of my doodles when waiting for lectures to start.. see the caption below the face? 

-hiatus-

Change the voices in your head and u can change the World

hi peepz been long huh? well for those who knw i was awayyyyyy.. yep.

heres a log: 23rd april 2005. wad a dream in the night. second day in camp n i dreamt of Lily.. odd.. but nevertheless it was a happy dream. nv felt such warmth in a long time but the hug in the dream felt so fine..

24th april. MY BDAY! WEE... 19 years old.. Shai Wani Estella Melissa girlgirl sms me greetings..too bad i din have tie to reply them.. hafta lights off. N SHE sms me too. not that it matters anymore. to me a new start is a good start. Woo.. the tekong moon was so bright that night. with a single star in the sky... ..lol oh ya.. today had a double jab.. anyone tried a dual injection at both arms at the same time? lol.. typhoid n tetanus ja bat each arm. woo.... can see the medic also stressed..

27th april 05: finally have games.but no soccer..captain's ball. man.. benjamin whacked my ribs.. rolling around on the pitch .. we lost the match.. thx to the ah gua indian who avoided the ball whenever it went to him la.. volunteer somemore.. extra seh.. din knw the army had so many people who cant coordinate arms n eyes n brains.. psychomotor skills terrible.. and i dreamt that SHE came back to me. haha. but this time i nv took it as a priority as i still went for meal with friends. looks like it is a true indication that it will all be forgottened..

To me. 24th April 05 is a new start. a new year for me.

28th April. HER bday. ha. din matter a bit. if SHE thinks SHE can make amends by introducing others to me SHE is just plain sarcastic to me. damn angry at my performance at the IPPT classification.. everything dropped standard.. damn pissed.. sorry guys for letting u all see my dark face.. GLOOM.. better buck up.. oh ya. melissa girlgirl.. u nv reply me sms .. 27th i call u u scared ah? sorry for the worries....

29th April. sprint interval training.. wahaha.. damn fun. but i think over exerted my legs ache even when sitting down.. first aid training.. wow. nv knew could be so fun. but my company is still very tough compared to others with the same PES grading.. :(

-sudden rant-

恋爱能使人成长吗？
does being in love really give us a feeling of being more mature and more responsible?

should we really just live for the moment n be happy with the day, not planning or thinking about what tomorrow holds? and will that be real happiness, or just plain ignorance n denial..

i really think that both persons should have a share of such thoughts about the future. well in a way is a growing process for both person dont u think? perhaps being in a relationship is part of growing up. but will we be "less mature" if we never had such a chance? hmm.. i feel that being ever in a relationship helps in personal development-->psychologically.

its something new in a sense. we are going through new things everyday. and we should be learning everyday. "When u lose, dont lose the lesson" yes no one's life is plain sailing..heck..would it be fun if it was?
Not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck too, cuz in life we have gone after so many things n people that even when we do get them in the end we are not sure whether they are worth our effort n time.We want them so badly, only to regret/ not get maximum satsfaction. Lust of the blood, permission of the Will.

Sometimes we lose things, n its meant to be. Cuz we dont really need them, or we havew other priorities that are deemed more important that the thing we lost. People as well. New people enter every other day of our lives. Waste the day brooding over the lost object/person , or rather spend time knowing others better n paying more attention to our other prized possessions?

i guess i have chosen the latter. yes its time to move on. move away. move forward.

gotta be my last posting for a long time. take care all u people who even bother to read. yep. haha..

-zee World zis fair zas zit zis unfair to zeveryone-

Quote: 吃醋是女人的天性，善变是女人的权力。。。

hello. ar u sure? whoever thought of this phrase? PERPOSTEROUS!..

dont girls hate guys who are fickle n Casanovas? den why do they have the right to have easy changes of heart? Being jealous is already "well" enough as it at least shows they care. but being "over-jealous" causes distress both to themselves n their partners dont girls realise?

everyone says to have equality of gender. so i dun see why some "privileges" are onli Girl-inclined .. i knw i have given up, changed so much. but it just takes a little distance to erase all the things done n said.

hi Wani.. u once said : Love is Euphoric. i kinda relate more to it as days go by. As for all who read this.. go figure out.. euphoric.. n u shud knw wad it meant n how true it is.

What ever is transient will never stay normal. Refresh those ideas everyday to keep it new. but shouldnt memories be kept n reminisced? Well i guess some people have no need for the past sweetness but only the future excitement..

Erm..seriously Austin.(yeeew). u got anyone who is a FACE SURGEON? i wana change my face b4 i can even get close to ur so called modelling job opportunities.. puh-leeze. haven even heard anyone mention dat im good looking, even average looking... well except the little lioness Estella ( hello! ). like duh.

hey rainy afternoon.. and Arsenal drew 0-0 with Chelski. BLAH. Blue's the colour of the year? i rather lose the title to Everton who worked so hard.. rather than Jose "the mouth" Mourinho n his Russian sugar daddy who plays real life Championship Manager.. yuk. Cash splash= success? my rear end.. er hmm...

-cranky-

emails that will never be replied. sms that will go unnoticed. who cares..

guess it will be a while b4 i step into the initial d console again.. brr..

thx austin for the dinner at fish n Co. yesterday.. yummy..

hi little lioness (estella) hey still waiting for u to come bite me.. roar? meow la aha..

gee "now" talking to meiz who is not listening in class n on MSN.. naughty girl.. well today quite boring. not much to post.. dum ti dum..

all of ya do take care ya.. cya soon..

-division of real life n reel life huh-

anyone watched 黑夜彩虹？to think that similar love stories can be found in real life, but hardly ever has the same happy endings after the bitter things went through together..

Question: how come when the guy waits outside the door/window/building in the rain/snow/wind/disaster the girl will always give in/ return to him/ marry him / forgive him? heck its bloody unreal dun u think? never has it happened that the guy gets arrested for disturbance/public nuisance/scorned by the girl for being sissy/looked down by others ?

wad false hopes such serials give huh. n yet movies/ shows are reflective of real life. yeah rite...

-hugs in the rain, winning the heart in the end. yes the story probably ends like this. but i wont be able to catch it..-

-blink blink-

wink wink. hihi melissa. hope ur not feeling painful anymore today.. heard ur "suffering" last night.. ouch .. take care ya...不过我很快就不在了，没有人听你complain了。。

duno.been a while since i done something to make others happy. perhaps im still inclined to find someone that can make me happy.

简单爱：开着车，吹吹海风。呆在家里，谈天，一起赖床。在无聊时，想一想对方的微笑。

爱也可以在不在身边的时候体会到的。

不聊天静静散步也很甜。

spread across vast distances. sometimes i dunno u. but when are we clearly in the know about ourselves? 感觉有点想保护一个人的感觉。。

哇 nobody visits n nobody comments .. my dream car nice? haha. but its still a long way. meanwhile i pray for those whom i care about. everyone that i care for. in one way or another. take care. most importantly, be happy, n be safe.

i guess this IS the best R35 i can find. though nothings confirmed yet.. but the R35 is gonna blow my mind.. now shud i reallie stick to the R34?... decisions decisions.. its DAMN nice.. *swoon* 

hmm.. this is the new R35 concept model.. looks damn fat.. duno why.. but its stylish rite? 

wee.. pro look Nissan Skyline GT-R R34 .. ooh. somebody buy for me can.. 

就算不在一起，我也要照顾你一辈子

Why.did.u.sms.me.again.u.think.that.lessens.the.hurt.when.u.claim.to.still.be.my.friend?

so in wad way is it both ur fault n my? i never beared to leave u alone for my own or your own good. i wanted everything for OUR good. haven u ever thot of the hurt u would deal. u beared to leave me with an endless sorrow. a perpetually bleeding heart that still aches regularly. did i think of the consequences before.. i knw i do. n i knw u still dunno.

yes so wad if i really want to die. u nv cared. in ur eyes its always me talking big crap about going to die.. n ur sick of me crying. who cries for fun.?and have i ever cried over everyone else .no. nuthing i done is ever appreciated. always bringing water for u n yet u refuse to drink even when resting. always standing one step lower on the escalator to hold u at the back n yet u nv understood. i dun haf to say it out. all i knw is wad matters is ur well being. n i dun deserve u?

nv felt u loved me in any way i loved u.
"why do u love me? >its beyond things that can be measured"

and u used it against me

"why do u love him?> i cant spell it out in any way!"

nice move huh. now it will be forever my fault in all ur friends' eyes. gd luck to him huh. well done. perhaps he sweet talks into ur heart. i have no gift of the glib n all i have is what u din see n perhaps dun wana knw, don feel at all.

was i ever a priority in ur life even in the beginning? i was a scapegoat. thats a fact that cant be erased. and its a crack that u cant repair. yet i took it all in my stride. cuz i feel inferior. but now i feel i deserve more.

我会发着呆，然后忘记你，接着静静闭上眼。想着那一天会有人代替，让我不再想念你。

just like 黑夜彩虹， i did promise i would take care of u, regardless of whether u ended up with me. but yet u left such a sour taste in the way u left, i feel stupid to continue. yes i tried. n u said we are friends. do friends avoid meeting up? all my sworn promises, all my agreements. i say mine, cuz its never OURS, cuz u never kept ur part totally.

心里的眼泪，模糊了视线，你已快看不见。。。

wanna knw why am i still so gloomy mum? well in time u will knw. cuz of u. cuz u brought me to this world. where i accomplished nothing. where i earned nothing. where i gave everything n lost everything. do i deserve that. n in time to come mum, get it right. nobody is EVER RIGHT. so dont do it according to YOUR LAW. n if u must knw, the mistakes u made made me this way. ur iron fist caused the departure of the love of my love. the one inspiration. the one spark in 15 years of my life. the only source of joy n freedom of expression. but no. u had to dampen it. everyday after i got home. u made the rift. u caused the departure. n in the midst of ALL my preparations i only made the one mistake of not letting HER knw. and the PERFECT guy came running after. well he was perfect even when im around, she said. So think twice. n i shall make u regret if u should ever say i cant find a girlfriend/wife.

came n gone. gone. and juz go for good. ten years. twenty years down the road. should we meet. i wont say hi before u do. if u r happy, i will be 1% glad. the 99% will be regret that it wasnt with me. and no. i wont love again. cuz my heart is still with u. but should u come back, i wouldnt say yes too. leave it to Fate. in our next lifetimes. ciao.

-amazed brazen crazed dazed-

-with the void already created, nothing quite fills it back the way it originated-

thx for everything. in this tribute, we shall see why i have becum like this. not that i knw n do it willingly, but i live life with a vengeance. think thats good? well im vengeful of everything n everybody. now.

Black Eye Peas sang "Where is the Love" n i ask the same question. i dun feel it ever in my life. juz once really. n i have since lost the willingness to feel it again. where is the love? wad is friendship love? brotherly sisterly love? family-ly love? quite sad huh.considering i seek solace in relatives cousins and friends n online pals but not the immediate people who live with me. hardly possible anymore. lost it.

so is it really my fault that i lost the will to be happy, to be gleeful without guilt? or is it i really lost the HOW to be truly happy? yes i realised i haven been able to smile like i used to. even to crack lame jokes. cuz nobody laughs anymore, nobody takes me seriously when i wan them to anymore. everything is just so wrong. The Incredible Sulk ya? coming from this background i realised that its quite miraculous i survived this far. 16. 18.. when will liberation come for me? so many corners to turn, so many promised turning points missed.

Where the alternatives are always better then the choices i made. Life needs more than a few UNDO buttons.

Praise when its due: the Pizza Hut crew at Jurong Point haf rather good service with smiles al around. i noticed theres one girl whose name tag seems to show "esther" who looks like a thinner smaller version of Makiyo. did she behave weird or did i? either way its just a passing remark. not that im gonna care about girls anymore anywhere anytime.

call me wad u want. a shameless brat. an ironic bastard. no sensse of self-irony. i heard it all. after all the most hurtful things are those i never get to hear n never get to explain myself. and so thus goes the story where those younger/older/richer/poorer/uglier/nicer/shorter/taller/brattier/obedient-er den me is getting what i want n not me. yes i m not content. inadequate. half-filled, perhaps even empty.

do i deserve at least someone to listen to me. perhaps i dun. cuz till now i haven got one. but i always listen without qualms. n in doing so perhaps ppl take it for granted that i m always there for them. n nothing gets near being reciprocated. i wish it does. though i knw i shud never ask for anything in return for my actions. cuz it never happens.

-stand by me..stand by me..stand by me-

我站在幸福的门外，却一直都进不来

when i thought of doing the same to u, i couldnt bear to do it, thinking it was selfish n dat i should give us a chance again. i could take the distance. u wouldnt try after the fall.and u bear to do it to me.

without a trace..

-sunSoaked yet indoors-

brought Heting to Karl's place to work his magic. ack. so envious of Heting. everyones hair is better then mine.. happy monthly-versary to u n Meiqi... some people juz haf all the luck ya?

wow. nv knew i would shop like this. bought clothes-hangers n WASHING POWDER.. wow.. getting ready for life's challenges.. haa

heting must be now working on his new hair with the new wax with my new technique.. lol.. all the time to get ready for a date. kinda like how i used to be.. rushing like crazy to wait for.. while .. im always too early n .. always late. guess its guy's duty to wait?

Bought Sylvester n F.I.R 's new albums! hurrah.. now i can wallow in more self pity.. lol.. but they haf inspirational lyrics and thats wad attracts me. yep. no piracy. support original. n man if i could write songs.. Jay Chou watch out..

Meng Fei meng meng meng zai.. u can see this? hallo.. nv tok to me le.. we agreed that sad ppl write best songs rite? so one day dun be amazed when i write songs for Stefanie Sun.. Jay Chou even.. hee.. well i guess from his work Jay must haf been pretty much luckless in love while all his romantic gestures never finding the avenue. juz like how all my plans go up in the air like pooF..

- i do like to claim that while i may not be ur typical boyfriend type material i honestly believe i am husband material. yet it isnt enuff to suffice -

now to listen to Sly's songs n pick out the lyrics.. yea. im not alone..

-re-a-a-a-llllllie?-

-wondering if words were ever real, and wondering who ever meant them as much as they meant to me-

Estella! watch out u.. owe me takoyaki treat.. provided u meet me/ i meet u first ..haha
well i guess we knw each other btter now thx to the "meetings". oh yeah n thx for ur comments/appraisals.. i never heard THAT "H" word associated with me ever...

looking forward to great chats again.. but how long would i have to wait for it? :/

tingting you n your TABASCO SAUCE n all the eye-mishaps really cracked me up.. but u turned silent again.. i knw u studying for ur tests.. but thx .. at least i lightened up. u ah.. should be more careful too.. dun lose your sight or any injury for that matter.. take care of yourself when nobody's around to whine..(like me?) haa..

(see i dun make fun of u.. i dun disclose anything. im true to my words k..grr..)

ahh.. if onli such light banter occur every day. it wouldnt be so dull n dark anymore.. n yesh Austin (eeyew) i knw ur peeping.. thx for chatting n hearing me out too..gd luck tml for ur new IPOD photo ah.. dun worry i won intercept it.. i m not ipod fan in anyway..

time to snooze? sheesh..wonder how tingting manages to wake up for sch everyday.. n stay awake..

Sandy meiz..remember this cat? This is the cat that has been lingering around for weeks under my block. And it really likes the lift. Today it sprang from the letterbox litter area n stunned the hell outta me...  

cat: meow.. huh? 

wad the cock!? saw this ( and a few more chickens n cockerels) under a residential block at CCK near the stadium.. lol. mating season? but why are they there? 

-coLd rAinY dAy-

hi Estella.. funny how i thot i would see u n there u are doing ur duty for flag day.. stil so bluR n cute haha.. hey i donated ya.. cheerful start to ze day.. gym session with Shai at CCK gym.. phew lucky there werent many people there..

aw.slowly but steadily seeing the increase in weights i could handle. unlike shai who claimed that he could do 2 more pull ups after one session! dat makes me feel so MUCH BETTER eh.. ( wad a weakling i m..)

saw seow ken n another two NP junior girls who were under me.. ( eh sorry i forgot your names.. aGain..) well why is everyone sick.. haha. seow ken sick.so is sandy meiz.. well seow ken said she passed her illness to sandy.. guess so.. haha)

chickens all around beware. we are on a high protein diet so chickens are main course for a while now.. yep. those GNC protein supplements sure look intimidating, we din even ask for the price..

anyone bought THE INCREDIBLES original DVD? i wana borrow.. unless i bought it myself..duh.. ( cuz it includeds a special scene not shown in the movie about jack-jack when he is alone with the baby-sitter.... grr..)

munch munch..kfc..lemonade.cheese fries.Stomachache. groan.

pssst.. hi estella..din knw we had such affinity.. saw ya changed into casual clothes to hang around after flag day eh.. haha.. well u still want my legs or wad? told u to go swimming.. trust me it works..n pls dun stop smiling at me its very sweet.. n juz dun be too blur blur.. lol

-sQuiRm-

-when my secrets are found out, i shudder. only becuz it happened too often. n premonitions in my dreams..-

had two bread SKINS for breakfast.. man are the wholemeal dry or wad!.. feel like instant sore throat..

hi melissa ( lollipop girlgirl..) din get ur reply agn.. seems like we stil haf alot of animosity.. well at least u could sleep last nite without the moth in ur room? wonder how ur expression was when u first saw it in ur room.. n u ditched the computer n hide.. umm..haha.. evil thoughts..

everyone who passes by here say hi.. cuz i gotta some advice for u peeps.. ever wandered into some suspicious website n wanna get a subscription/more info by adding ur email to their mailing lists? try POOKMAIL where u can type any user name n set up an email account to receive mail and verify the source's credibility b4 u give them ur real email. pookmail accounts are deleted every 24hours so no worries..to hell with spam!

seeking ECTOMORPHs who haf difficulty building up mass for their lean bodies.. i would like to knw some training rgimes please.. im sick of ppl telling me to beef up n i m trying orite! grr how i wish i was suitably fatter.. it surely makes gym a more worthwhile pursuit..

gradually as i forget how u look, how u used to make me feel. i wil live happier. perhaps 10 years down the road our paths cross again, i juz might say hi. but no. keeping myself alone for the next 5 years to come is wad i knw i can handle. one would feel the loss, n i don see its gonna be me ..anymore

-rainbow in the dark-

- 好想有人跟我吵架，陪我吵架， 为我吃醋-

watching FATE TWISTERS reali seem like a carbon copy of my life. perhaps all gals are made this way. believing wad others say n not wad the guy in their life says. (yes i m lamenting again.)

waiting for someone burrowing into my arms again. yes u knw who u are. no u wont see this.

is it always true that everything becomes sweeter after u realise that u lost it. n when u know u are the better one and yet lose out to another. i guess everyone in this fast paced world just yearns instant gratification nowadays huh..

hey i still think that in this world anything can happen. Miracles. its just a matter of perspective, is it not? " u wnna see the rainbow u gotta sit thru the rain" so they say. who's they? why are THEY so smart. n we minor characters in this whole farce we call life huh?

do ppl wan partners of similar traits to oneself, or vastly different personalities?
perhaps we are too similar in so many ways that u see urself in me. n u got bored.

shucks. im turning gurlie wurlie again. i miss hugging. nono. i miss YOUR ....

i figured that i already found n lost my ONE . n i knw that its wrong to love juz for the sake of missing the love-ing feeling. so i guess i could nv really love again. so scrap those thoughts dummy.
Point Taken.

wonder hows my frens doing in NS.. n how i wish i could get a real gathering going..

hey anyone out there? do u ever get a FRIEND who doesnt talk to u much? or doesnt seem to respond much online? well can i get advice on wad mentality these person haf? is it distaste or juz plain annoyance?

NOTE TO SELF: START blaming others n not yourself ok?

at least i can afford a real smile these days. yes without you. 3 months on.

答案 to my questions please?

从我脸上的苍白，看到记忆慢下来，过去甜蜜在倒带只是感觉已经不在。。。

anyone ever wondered why is the term FALLING IN LOVE --falling? you mean its an accident? like we don wan it to happen?

din knw i could work up a sweat vacuuming the house.. haa. n great exercises can be done at home without equipment! Push-ups, bench (bed) presses, sit ups.. even jumping jacks.. as long as that old bugger below doesnt scream :

"( insert expletive here)"

as and when he likes, even when im not in the wrong...

Champions League semis- Chelski-Liverpool
Milan - PSV
groan.. juz wait till my Rossoneri thrash the Blues in e final and shut Mourinho's mouth up forever...

How come everyone gets better lives than me? well.. visit HERE n see wad i mean. Don worry im not pushing porn or what ever here..

hmm.. wondering.. are all guys perverts? i mean, when one guy doesnt ogle at girls ppl deem him as either abnormal or GAY. like duh.. learning self control is a crime in life too? and wads with the perception that guys are always obsessed with sex/porn etc.. n ppl who dont like these "entertainment" are not normal.. geez.. STOP making porn-surfing look NORMAL will ya all....

today is thursday? oh GREAT.. they changed CHASE's time to 9 pm!! clasheswith Channel 8's show.. now how do i catch it.. groan.. someone buy me one more tv?


而我对你的期待被你一次次摔坏，已经碎成太多块要怎么拼凑跟重来

just looooook at linda.. juz plain SACCHARINE... 

-YaWn-

SEE ABOVE? LINDA LIAO! ooh. wad is it that she is interested in Singaporean men? heh.. Qihui my brudder. eat your heart out staring at the pic..lol

heh. din realise i was gona wake up that early for dat BOOOOOOOOOOOOring Juve-Liverpool match with no goals to show. phew.i stayed for 45 minutes only... (somebody stole my chocolates.. had nuthing to munch on..groan)

looks like no gym session today.

the brain is an amazing clump of fat. wish i knw how it works. cuz its giving me sleepless hours waiting to doze off staring into space..

maybe its becuz of reminiscing abt wad came together for me n U.

n wad came apart.

Sandy meiz better take care of yourself ya? don get bogged down by ur illness n affect ur studies. dun become my carbon copy..

Anyone read the news about the Rolex robber in M'sia whose gun jammed AGAIN? "poor" guy.
result= broken leg, head wound,spoilt gun, no rolex n jail term. Foiled..haha..

SM GOH said yesterday that the casino issue has been resolved,but wait 5 days for the announcement. like duh. so whose gonna change it in 5 days? sheesh.. anyway judging by his approach it shud be a YES.

like to share his funny quips with ya. ( hey mr brown love ya postings, so im promoting your site for you. haha.) click here to visit his "farnee" views on everyday life

gReEt1ngS fRom a newBIE

-Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so-

aPril 13. well first posting. nervous. soon to be morning n im not in bed. 9 days to go b4 i join the greenies in the jungles of tekong "chalet". hate to say this but today was boring with a capital B. sheesh. yeap. oh yea. Chelsea is juz gettin on me nerves. meesa thinks its brutally unfair..

seeing Jie n Bf so lovey dovey makes me feel happy for them. but yet somehow inadequate i feel in my gut. maybe its just an agony of transition.