-regret to say. sorry to the rings who will never have an owner-

so it all ends here?

8 days. 8 weeks. 8 months. fruitless waits though i keep pining that the day will come. even 8 years i will. all because of a pact we made before and a four lettor word we share. surely it speaks volumes that i haven't had a change of heart all these time as compared to your change within a month? im not complaining. i just can't justify.

it used to be that i will detest or feel agitated when i think of the days, the things that we did, the places we went by, the sms u send me after that. yes i was angry. i wanted to avoid. i did my best to disappear. but no. i realised something else was correcting my behaviour eventually. i should'nt be like this. cause i still feel it.

"forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me"

i will erase the past that you do not like and await a new story to unfold. even if it comes to nothing.

24 28

im beat. nobody to appreciate what i draw anymore. it all used to mean something.

-sapped by 40 degrees, dreams for a delightful unknown (will it all come to me)-

another week of fever. why me? being so weak irks me.

but it brought a call to me. im glad. perhaps the animosity was broken. but it is always like this.
i could have long done it. cuz i m always wary of the reaction i may bring about. will it be another cause for regret. i dunno.

still hope you will call. or get to call. cuz something's gotta tell.

tuesday night was dreaming of rushing through the shops and stalls to find rock candy and jellies to give you. even end up in a fight with the old man. but the rush to find it was so real. it shows how much it mattered to me. but it didnt last long enough to see me give it to u...

then there was this another when we somehow were in my primary school, all my primary schoolmates were there. and u were somewhat lost . i dunno why without a regard for what u may feel or others might think i just grabbed you and hugged u tight. and it feels just like before. and u didnt resist. u couldnt. almost didnt want to. perhaps in your head u wanted but ur heart stopped you.

-i realised that we had a bond, then when strained just shows me how much it meant to be. while it has been months i have almost given up i realised that i could try again. yes i still feel it is possible. and i want it to happen.the whole past will be forgiven and forgotten. allow me to take you in my arms again. the past shortcomings will not be around again-

for i live my own life now

-Rewind (倒带？)-

The show just now was so much inspirational. everyone have their luckless streaks. but what can one do but wait for it to past? shredding an apple skin by midnight in front of a mirror without the skin breaking will undo everything it claims. so this is the only RESET button in life that we have? hardly seems so. and no matter what somethings that are meant to happen will happen, where the endings are within our control. alas. but the show has a happy ending. its Fate isnt it? somehow life isnt as much as within our control, and we can only choose paths that eventually reach an end already predestined in front of us. is it so?

-rings belonging to no one in particular, a shattered eventuality-

Don't we all wish something "so good" could be forever? Don't we all hope that happiness is there to stay? There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone "so nice" and "almost perfect" and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person (sometimes without even realizing it). This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we tagged it as one of those "too good to be true" things.

"never ever let your heart run your life, as much as you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try to listen not merely on what your feelings is invoking on you as a person but more importantly listen to reason as well. Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving"

人前欢笑，人后流泪。i dont want this life anymore. yes im poor im alone im ugly im not smart. but i have hope and belief that the good old times will be back. even the little bits i ever ever had..

looks like me? i think so. notice a trend in my drawings? muahah.. 

fwunny bwunny.. is this cute? mei? i think now only you would give me support.. drew this in between naps.. 

bzzt. new comix line? 

-PairOfRings WithNoOwner-

so i failed. no nights out. so there. and finding nobody to talk to. to call. so pick up guitar to learn a few more cords.

"wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you.."

so far learnt these 15 notes for the song. haa. i want roti prata. im so deprived of such simple pleasures aint i? finally get a call. "hello". hemesh interrupt and say "girlfriend ah?". "mother la..bodoh." my reply. girlfriend is a non existent word in my vocab. seems like hemesh ex cheated on him. the world is fair now, not only guys can cheat huh?

heard a few commenting about virginity associated with number of years in a relationship.. mentioned " one year plus le think confirm not virgin laaa". then heard people admit not virgin. then thought of 3 years that past.. and im still me. haha failure times x2 ? since when did the world become like this? to measure such stuff this waY?

saw that gary has a ring . so does zhengjia. i should to. but never saw the daylight.

19 Aug was Gary birthday. they had a cake prepared for him. i guess because he is special? dont think the others would get one .. happy 19 bday gary. and happy 16 bday estella. u sounded different from the last time i saw u.. everybody's growing up.. good luck for your 'O's
the night's Happy Hour /Cohesion Night was a blast. wished to go home initially but nobody thought of it in the end. only a few with no integrity skooted off at the slightest chance. karaoke, food, Tiger beer, Martel Cordon Bleu. feasting snacking drinking. i think i had 5 cans? whoa.. would be shitting out like mad with so much things mixed.. we sucked at the games. didnt win a single thing. then seeing others taking turns on the microphone i didnt have a chance to sing any Jay Chou songs i have learnt so obsessively.. ARGH. lucky draw, seeing the nicest items getting drawn to others. the keychains, so unique. but none of us got it. then came the grand prize of a backpack/sidesling bag. hear them call CBL's name. groan.he answer the question wrongly... so we only got a few pens and little gifts from the draw? then they draw again. and i turn and look at hemesh and tell him "your turn ah? hahah". he said " you go lar."

then Terry read my name out. *gulp* i have never been drawn a top prize in any lucky draw before.. had some help with the answer. 7756 was the number. ahh.. i had a prize to bring home...

-"bathe for me" call me?-

wei wei. you wei. willie. ryan. you you. youri. Neo.

19 years of different names and addresses i was given. some not very pleasing. especially when mispronounced.

aCk. but i do like it now. call me Neo.
Just Neo.

going to be morning and the new EPL season starts. tried my hand. started with $30. now a deficit of $22 . grr.. thx to blackburn and birmingham not winning. whine. the ones i skip won. whine. typical. curses.

wanna be the one who can really talk to everyone and treated as a friend. with no animosity and no hostility. i dun look that foreign or scary do i? point to note: girls like genuine praises. guys like supportive ideas or agreements. the revolution. going into a month plus and im still learning. and amid enduring what others might jibe about me.

still in the process of waiting. 有时候，等待也是一种幸福。（”，）. little details i learnt. red.green.black.notpink.notblue.

ups and downs. silence-s and happiness-es. moody and cheery. man i have one quality which i sometimes wonder is it hampering me. its Patience. now off to bed and wait for the call....perhaps perhaps....

-ecstacy.hysterical-

10 August 2005 .

perhaps a sporting career high. lol. in the soccer match kickabout everything i touched seemed to turn into gold. 4 goals and a 5-0 win. wow. and to see "THEE GREAT DRIBBLER" hit the post so many times i guess he got sick that it was not to be his day and he stopped trying and insteaded provide for others. so much for fighting for glory..

and the high almost came crashing down when i collided with Gaaaaaaaaa-rrr-eeeee.. ankle sprained and out of action. we jumped for the ball and it had to rebound off his feet at an awkward angle. urgh. limped off. next day went for x-ray and i was guilt stricken. and i couldnt talk to anyone about it. just feeling bad inside. even when he returned without repercussions i still feel inferior talking to him.

perspective.everyone has their way of saying and seeing stuff. and some of the things i see that people try to imitate me i dont like at all. i dont do it that way in my eyes! and now i m sick of seeing them joke about this (these). 4 weeks on and a brand new me? the tempers have stopped fraying but the gloom has not been totally dispelled. Bagaimana? (How?) someone give me a self-confidence booster or something..

漂亮的让我面红的可爱女人
温柔的让我心疼的可爱女人
透明的让我感动的可爱女人
坏坏的让我疯狂的可爱女人

-the wait. painstaking. lonely road. yet inevitable. answers only at the end.-

就是开不了口

-fleeting. sights of the past. and best-

On the way back i noticed this peculiar little pair of eyes.

the empty stare at all the bigger people around her.

looking out the window she wonders why is everything moving past it at such great speed.

the purity of her existence reflected from her innocence as her eyes flitted around at the sights and sounds around her.

untainted from the pressures, the negativities and her aura of invulnerablity against everything intrusive to her own happy life, the little teeth glistened from a grin that can only be from a child unadulterated by what life really is like.

i smiled.

yet its not a pure innocent smile i had. yes an adorable face. but running through my mind is the tainted feeling of jealousy that i didnt have the childhood reflected from her curious blank stares and joyful smiles.

i used to own one though. someone to call my own. recall the initial when someone used to look like her. smile like her. feels like her. and think about the transformation that occured that took this person away. the lure of the society. of the people. with a tinge of regret. but not of my own inabilities. i tried. and accepted. and bled.

i realised humans do not have to be taught what is evil and bad. it is in born when we are created. and its only brought out when we are deprived of the very things we want. jealousy. hate. anger. greed. we were born good. but we do not have to learn to be bad. and thus humans are born with such traits. and thus no one can blame society. it is always up to individuals. i can shed the past. i can forget the past joys and the times when i lack of. i can forget the hurt and forgive the pain. but i cant forget everything that happened. i dont think about them. they are just running through my mind. not by will.

i used to yearn to have a child like her. she whom i saw on the way home. on the mrt train. i can love someone like that. anyone ever heard of a single dad? what do i need to do to become one?

(btw thx cindy jie i knw its reassuring when u say that. but there is strictly no "future gf" who is as pretty and gives me the feeling again which u say. "One fine day" u say. i agree. one fine day may come. but i will not be there to create the perfect ending. once (twice?) bitten forever shy?

do not think i can be as good as before anymore.

-stumbled awakening-

-feels like yesterday once more-

Have you ever thought of why are you in this parent shell/body of yours? Why are you looking out into this world in these eyes of yours? And have you thought of whether you had the choice of the body you were given and what happens before you were born and after you depart from this substance world? Or perhaps all you people reading this are just clones or droids who do not understand a single feeling i just expressed and im the only human being left uncloned and being experimented and documented in this Matrix of life.

This is not the first time i felt like this before. Pre-destined events in my life planned already?

week's been tough on the mind. boggle. even 7 hours of sleep a day is not adequate. waking up positive but groggy and brain dead. and the puffy eyes came back after a prolonged absence since A level days.

anyone realised the society's changes nowadays, especially events between sexes? somehow i feel that i become more conservative ,or perhaps i feel that some values ought to be preserved? a 12 year old girl having sex with 4 18 year old guys. together. now who ever can think of having such thoughts when we were 12? i cant even recall the first time i had exposure to such things at 12. anyone below 13 is still a kid. a child who is untainted and unadulterated from the social ills or the adult behaviour and/or lifestyle. and yet i see primary school children dangling the latest handphones on their neck, scolding vulgaritites that will make even their peers jump out of their skins, and having "steads" like choosing meals for breakfast lunch and dinner. heck. the dilution of the word stead has gotten too bad. so much so that i had already irked myself from saying it since secondary 2..what 5 years ago? do kids nowadays know the meaning and value of a relationship? and really do they mean Steady boy/girlfriend or just a fling where both parties consent to and lasts barely over the weekend? i have seen girls crying over such incidents, so is it really those guys' fault when they are just out to seek companionship and not sincerely looking for a soulmate. i cant tell. even the immediate people around me are doing it. circa 2005 i still know 2 couples who are still deeply in each others hearts and minds since their beginnings in secondary school.

-quisquis amat valeat-

oh. even heard something from my WOs in camp. said theres even a sec 1 girl giving fellatio to a sec 2 guy in class in a quite-high-end secondary in our country. heard from his wife, their daughter barely into sec1 asks " what is oral sex?" not one to shun from education, they explained the actions involved, to which the little girl replied " Eee khor khor de.." (translating to yuk..bitter-ish..). (O_O) i bet they were as stunned as i m. how does she know how it tastes like?
haha.. but i guess it shouldnt be what we were thinking. its one of those reactions we have as kids too dont we..

hey how have you been? i know and ou know who are you. but gues you haven been reading my blog again huh? wel like i said i have no wish to do anything to hide anything. so this is free for all. and yes im still battling sleepless nights. don ask me what im thinking about. i wish i know too. and though things are all rosy when i think back, i can rationalise that those are in the past and wether they will resurface is not up to me. i have never been in cotrol of my life. hopefully 2 weeks ago the try i made will work out well. 3rd week and counting,

wish me luck.

-come uppance? or just luck (or e lack of)-

groan. wasted a good weekend lying in bed most of the time. grimer.. studying while stuffing up to sweat off the temperature. yes 40.2 degrees hit me. in space of 6 weeks! never had this before. curses is my body that bad?... weak..

pooped.. stiff joint aching head. still book in to camp. saw the MO and got medication. stuck in the sickbay with no form of entertainment..books..mags..tv..etc. thank god im out in 12 hours..

coming to mid week now, cant understand why i feel the tinge of loneliness again. its surging back..ebb by ebb.. feels like a sense of longing for a simple gesture like a hug or an affectionate good morning or good night. maybe i can be happier right now by being gay. yep. as in homo..lol.

"to shed me old shell" still stands as my motto. haven been angry or sad for 10 days and running. i rock x10. it feels great even when i wake up lacking sleep i still feel fresher then everyone else.

poor LBK. did i mention him before? hmm. well i have no idea why, but he broke down today during extra training. peers' reactions giving him pressure? or some remarks not aimed at him gone to his head? i admit i cant really accept everything he does. but i dont blame him for what he does. eccentricity is a unique trait in itself. but seeing others feeling bad/suffering/being teased/ no matter how i hate him/her, i still feel for them. i guess this makes me human still.

update from Cafe at camp. nice environment. but notice i cant get coloured fonts. grr. XP and yet without java. HA. or something missing that doesnt allow it. zzzz