-absolut-

gah.. ups and downs to the max. first the theft case in camp that finally resolved. you wouldnt expect the security who is supposed to guard your place to steal from you would you? but thank goodness the victims got their stuff back. poor ipod and hp...

soccer match. a 1-2 loss. man i didnt get to play much, but the adrenaline pumping made me nervous too. we will get pay back. meanwhile i should train more. rising to the occasion is something i desperately need.

30/31 DEC
was supposed to MOS. even you said you may join. but we saw the queue that snaked around clarke quay. horrifying. everyone has the same idea as us. is too bad we went Zouk-ing then. Black Label Jack Daniels. rushing in before 1030 for the cost savings. the oomph of Zouk is still there..but considerably quiet.. the effect of MOS and the limited clientele of clubbers locally i guess. Phuture-Zouk-Phuture-Zouk. R n B-Club- R n B. never felt so relaxed for such a long time.jugs of brandy coke-vodka lime-shooters. never thought i could get high .. but it didnt last though. moving to the beat was great. shouting into each other's ears were great. i was in two minds when you said you may wanna come. so what was i expected to do.. dance with you too? gd/bad- that you didnt come. Ray's dancing was crap. Tim looked okay.. a bit reserved.. Rus+SC of course were the stars.. well i let everything out.. and these two girls in black happen to get into the crowd next to me 3 times throughout the night.. the smaller girl had her bf with her, the gf of that girl looked kinda loss when bf+gf dancing...

god. i just realised that there are so many thick-skinned people in society. makes me ashamed to be a guy too. sole mission to club: To get close to girls and dance up to them. puke.. what type of rubbish is this. i could identify a few who just hang around in the middle of nowhere doing this. of course i noticed the girl having two dance partners- not that she wanted them to. and they still shamelessly hung around. gawd....

was still thinking that since this is a social place might as well talk up with the other people. so i thought if they came back a third time i may approach her. she was back. but WTF Ray with the retarded-drug addict-high on drugs-dance movement and facial expression just danced up to her back and moved to her body... and hands were on her waist soon. and lingered. and didnt get the hint that she is moving away as he followed and didnt want to let go.

im still jealous of people who look better than average. slightly handsome. classy. thats why dance moves didnt matter. ahh so? like i was even vaguely interested in the girl. i just pity her. not much of a choice? all was she just trying to get near Ray the whole night and not the group with the nicer dancing moves? lost mood after that.. so much so that i was just singing to myself and Rus was encouraging my enthusiasm likewise to the beginning of the night.

what i would like to be in 2006. Calm, assured, imposing, more of a presence. Not to fall under the influence like the other weak-willed mates in camp who always listen to Fatty-G. never to be fooled again. Decisive but not haughty. and nope still no bf gf stuff for me. like what Rus said: there's really no need to. he is a nice bloke ladies. give him a chance. dont discount him just because of his height. (just assuming). and Tim too.. such nice people around who should have hordes of people clamouring to be their steady.. but Tim never had any. good luck for 2006 peepz.. what shall i do tonight.. i need a distraction.

-never to look back to regret. never to worry excessively. learn. speak at the right time. right tone. and smile. oh ya. and step out of the shadows. 370 days and counting.-

one day i wont have to count anymore.

meanwhile...a hug would be nice. and...


argh. plans for the night just blown. looks like staying home's for me..

-whizzing sparklers. platter dinners. merry Xmas-

and im particularly inept at soccer. so i miss. so i cant control spectacularly. so i fumble. what about my flashes of brilliance? the post ricoheting my efforts after going past so many others. flicks and angled drives. i am proud of those aimed shots. so you all rather i miss spectacularly huh. at least im close. and i dont make stray passes. i pride myself for that.and so i am never good enough for all the judges in life.

they can crash harder. flick andmake you look stupid. go for the man before the ball. run selfishly and hog the time. be absolute hypocrites. go on. my conscience is clear. as usual i cannot be a hypocrite and liar without heart. my downfall.

look. i can blame no one. the skill-less me. anyone can tell me my forte? if not. can i sulk? am i wrong to sulk? to try to hold back the humiliation upon the standards i hold for myself? oh ya. and talk behind my back. i can get used to it. even talking to my face seem like a luxury nowadays. its always me. target of flaming. no matter where. past work place. Sec 234. now here. why do i always wanna get out of a place before my time is due. what did i not do/ did i do..

i can get used to the blood.

19 Dec
knew you would call. about the new show on 9pm slot. and offered to go shopping with me if i cant find anyone. oh. so whatever happened to what you said about attached girls shouldnt go out with other guys alone. double standards for yourself? cause you need friends. they are the most important people in your life. should i be thankful that you see me so SPECIALly? after all you are happy now. all the things we shared are shared with someone else. i can see the exact words used. can i be blamed? sorry while i burst. *click* -dead tone.. the phone went silent-

20 Dec. Gas Chamber. haha. i knew i wouldnt miss this chance. so i purposely took out my mask and opened my eyes to test the potency of the tear gas.. woohoo.. listen to them complain about the biting on the body i guess i am the only "stupid" enough (or brave enough.. er hmmm..) to test the tearing gas. ooh.. i never felt such an urge to cry out.. its stinging on sweat, and forcing my eyes to gush. silly me. but who had the most memorable experience? i did. whee... while the others panic ad rush to clear their eyes with water.. if i have the chance i go in naked. and test how long i can stand the gas..

and the same bugger few with no guts on their own, discussing dance steps for the event coming up. played the music and asked me to demo /think of a few para para steps to dance with the music just becuase they seen me do it before.. and i did coordinate them. only for them to pour more cold water. apparently just to embarrass me.. laugh of course. who doesnt like to follow Fatty G's comments. the most well-liked of them all. its always typical of those who know how to put on a show when they have to. and break the rules when they can. thats how you gain popularity.

and whoever listens to me.

21st Dec. Xmas event. man the karaoke machine. make people laugh. dare people and drink tigers.. turkey lamb and hams. officers praise me for my bit in the performance. sing 黄昏。sing 开不了口 (feel like crying) with Zoan. (sorry Tim i wont take her away from you de.. haha) sing hokkien song with ZJ. sing How Deep Is Your Love.. and Zoan pop in to sing together also.. laa.. my song choice good.. but very dry.. waterrrrr...

feels the Xmas spirit. but why oh why when it all ends i feel so deflated again. perhaps wondering what will Xmas be like. going through it alone. again.

-whats with the shadow-

excuse me. i am not living in her shadow alright. so what if its has been 364 days since that fateful day. - dear cuzzin of mine. >_< grr

i know. not many people have been reading my blog. i know you are. when you are free. but i dont see your point in encouraging me for every girl that i mention. what you trying to prove. what you trying to get me into?

not everyone forgets. and not everyone wants to forget. i can send it to the back of my mind. even if neutrals insist that i didnt do what i could have. it takes two to click. so perhaps the occurence of someone else was timed perfectly( or has been waiting all this time) since one has lost the feeling, what more can i do if i never once lost the feeling.

all this trying to pair me up with people is not a single bit cheering me up nor comforting me. its around 2 months since i gave up girls. im still insisting that. its always easy to say all the sweet nothings. but what is said and what is really valued and treasured? i like to see how many of such truly exists. and your language hardly improved. i dont need to second guess to know that is you.

i may be spiteful. to me a stupid move was to to give up my friends for someone whom i was certain was important to me. only to see that she hardly feels that same. as deep. of course. its my fault.

meiz. is meiz. not going to have the chance to make mistakes again. splurge on what i want. not having to think of surprises that werent appreciated. or make time for meetings that were cancelled at the last moment. for some people see friends more important than a particular dear "bebe". and to tell that in my face.

one of the past. one of the present. so much for wanting to marry and be the wife of. "sweeping of the feet" nice poem. where you got it from. End. i m long didnt want to speak. i was spurred to. chapter closed.

-in the beginning-

in the beginning of a relationship

a girl gives a guy a brief look that says you could be the one to make me happy.

in this subtle way she actually initiates the relationship.

this look encourages him to come closer.

it empowers him to overcome his fears in a relationship.


13/12/05
“。。。你找到你喜欢的人了没有？” e most vulgar thing you said in the night. despite the S-word F-word A-words

lesson this week: the ones who did right or didnt do wrong will eventually get blamed together with those who faulted. only thing is that those who did wrong dont feel as much blame as those who didnt. the right will only feel more wrong, while the ones who ought to feel bad dont see the point. getting away scot free. from guilt.

and drubbing on.. i dont see how dabbling in mindless crass jokes about sex, anatomical analogies, suggestive actions and sounds makes the speaker and involved parties any mature. PUH-LEEZE. i dont understand the whole bunch of them. so is this part of growing up? then i would rather be a kid then. self-indulgent in their pointless and tasteless jokes.


女孩越过小路爬上了山丘
那时的她还不懂
为什么萤火虫都不动
停驻在夜空
点亮了小小宇宙
女孩慢慢长大却还是懵懂
那时的她还不懂
为什么大人们
能抽空为失恋喝杯酒
却没空看看星空

女孩不再单纯却不够成熟
这时的她虽然懂
为什么美丽总有哀愁
每当有泪儿流
却回到那个宇宙
女孩有天将会到哪里出走
哪时的她总会问
为什么一个梦那么重

轰轰烈烈。。。

"sugar. honey. anything sweet..."

- I wish that

For just one time

You could stand inside my shoes and

Just for that One moment

I could Be You-

-kucinta. kami sangat gembira. kerana anda. -

9dec. well the bowling competition was miserable. so what if i played with a high average. others were so high its unbelievable. and the trophies were so nice and heavy. drats. how can mine compare. so i can only groan.

then you were wearing this off shoulder top. i was like wow. surely im not psychic right.. i told u i was thinking of something similar the day before then i came and saw u in this.. (and the little White Riding Hood.. haha)

u dont have to buy anything for me la really. im just happy that i got someone i can talk to. even standing there im alright with it de. dont feel bad! and dont say so many sorry sorry.. *pish* and don panic when stuff goes missing! see i can find them back...

kucinta was born! hehe.. must be the happiest thing u felt for a long time u said. i can understand.. your endless smiling.. u r uncontrollable! haha we counted at least 10 people looking at kucinta right? lol our little family..( thats what you say.. later people get jealous..) well u did what you could i tried what i can. so its a blessing that i made you smile. thats a positive that came out of a not so happy week for me. of course im happy by it too.. me-> (,") ^_^ <- u !

simple pleasures in life. i always say this. such little things that brighten the day. extremely.

the walk back home not as lonely as before right? haha.. well at the station you turned back 3 times to say bye bye and the smile never faded. like some drama right.. lol.. no i not suan-ing you.. at night the anime i told you about. i will try to get the whole series and watch again.. then lend you! but the guy is quite bad la. and weak. cant make up his mind about which girl.

hmm mei. i didnt pretend anything about the night, i just said it would have been more significant if its someone you love that got it for u. and if i had got it for my "gf" ( what does gf mean ah.. i forgot about such stuff le..), i would have been extra delighted. a hug would be nice, a little *muacks* would be a bonus. yes i forgot that feeling le. and i know its wrong to pretend. but all these cant disguise the fact that i m not less happy that i got it for you. understand ma? lol.. i talk alot around the bush. but really thx for the moments and the support. hope i hang around didnt make u uncomfortable...

-chicken little!-

geez.. hope i didnt waste u your time that day.. we left our little signatures at the bus stop. i still got the pic! but the dumb bus.. i thought our day is ruined le.. luckily marina square had everything...

bowling-> jia you. dont be afraid of paiseh. im there to guide u de..told u i saw someone there right.. hmm budden i hear no "news".. haha
arcade-> wee! para para! if not for you i wont even want to play that de.. heh. im quite good hor? budden u can dance de don worry! next time still have chance to go!
movie movie!-> chicken little is your new idol le ah? aha.. the sound quite loud scared you a few times.. poor thing. must be more 大胆 k.. dont worry wil get used to it de.. hes cute right.. keke

ur work place ah.. very demanding hor. long hours. no scheduled meal times. u should pack more food there. then wont hungry. see you sick le.. from flu to abit fever. dont worry you never pass it to me. but you also must get well k. dont be like me just because wan earn money work until siao.. hope you liked the sugar cane juice. makes u less "heaty" and throat more comfortable right? ^_^

thx meiz. hope i chased your blues away. cause even though i just hang around and do nothing and talk, it feels so much better.. dec 4-5.

“你来了我的病好像好了很多。。” lol...

-briming. with smiles. and some droplets of tears welling.-

oi! saya ialah corporal NEO setelah 30 november 2005 ! baiklah!
saya sangat gembira kerana saya akan kenaikan gaji! ... ooooh hoo..

saya tidak sombong ler..

its just a sense of achievement that i passed the course and achieved what i set out to do. is it about the money? i dont think so. its a joy of getting what you think you can get. the donning of the rank, the ceremony, the people who care. the fun and laughter while we took photos, and how we put Tim and Zoan together in the "couple" photoshoot.. what a riot! its a heady feeling. of promotion. of seeing everything running smoothly. of seeing my silver badge finally awarded to me. so what if i felt that the Best Trainee and Merit awards were not really fair. not that im jealous, but nobody sees the real side of the recipients better then us. i guess it really has to do with ability to be a hypocrite and build the right relationships with the right people at the right time. poof. smooth sailing for you. but anyway i shook your hands. congrats to you 2..

kinda like 3 years ago. when the Best Unit Cadet was supposed to be mine. but no. and then again the hurt of seeing somebody clap for him when he went on stage, that double-faced devil-may-care snake. and i dont see why she cant feel it at that time. although the look on my face sure speaks much louder already.

block leave. targer= weights. run. swim. bowl. i want to hang out. anyone please arrange for me/ with me? i want to live a life, not stare into space.

anyone watch the SEA GAMES? i saw the S'pore gymnast Nicole Tay. is really damn poor thing. fell off the balance beam twice and hurt herself and near to tears but held on till the end. then she burst uncontrollably. hell. its been a while since i cried when i see other ppl cry. i applaud her for her bravery and professionalism.. sigh. too bad we cant ever feel the pain she went through of disappointment.


是谁打翻前世柜惹尘埃是非

纵然青史已经成灰我爱不灭

我只取一瓢爱了解只恋你化身的蝶

我等待苍老了谁 红尘醉微醺的岁月

妹妹，enjoy your prom night. the first prom night is always very special. i know. cause mine was. in many ways. hope he takes good care of you and send you home safely. then i wait for you online ba. wait for your "news report" haha.. duno my brother can find that place anot.. looks very grand to me..