-爱一个人是幸福还是不幸福-

我努力的仰着眼睛，试着不让眼泪往下流。

night by night of sleepless. thoughts flooding. non-stop. the agony. i shut off my hp.
the world has only me by myself.

如果你不再出现我的世界还有什么可贵?

如果你从没出现我会不会觉得快乐一些
可惜不够时间让我们试验什么叫永远...

im not as smart and cute as YS, not as handsome and fit as QH.
i dont have the attributes for your imagination and admiration or for people to be jealous of.
thats why im inferior even when with them. what do i have?

你 最 后 属 于 谁...
还是要上天安排

-是那一次约定了没有来让我哭得像小孩-

-你的一百分会给怎麽样的人？-

M Sir saw i was moody the morning before the exercise. he had a man to man talk. i feel so paiseh talking to him about this. things i cant even figure out how not to affect me. he say he can understand because his wife was also his schoolmate and when he went after her he made it a big news in his level. but he said i will never know what will turn around for me. and ask me to work hard and be at full concentration for the exercise.

thx for your confidence in my ability sir. but also i truly know what i feel and what i want so really there is no solution to my problems..

outfield. was quietly hoping you will call me at night. but i really shouldnt expect so much. we are different status after all. was i significant figure in your life before? cause i sure am not now. i couldnt really talk to anyone for the 2 days. i had so much running in my head i cant sleep on the book in night. my body cant function. so much that i wish my work will kill me. i really wish for such things. take my memory away. put a bullet through my brain .

简简单单不是很好吗？
outfield 2nd night couldnt sleep at all. despite after shift very taxing on eyes. and cold. and i was HARD up ALL NIGHT heaven knows why, its unbearable. i dont enjoy it. its not that i could do something there and then. toss and turn and tired. i was happy to see the missed calls. there was no reception at times. the water the sky the moon the sunrise and the view. the only missing ingredient was YOU.

after so long and so much doubting and re-affirming, i still miss you so bad. even always lying to myself that you are always hurting and disappointing me. but my heart never lies.

i lied.

was i scared when i wanted to phrase my question to ask for your friends number? if not do i have to go through such means to ensure they dont say it and give you a wrong impression? you were angry and suspicious. i never heard this for so long. i dont like it, yet i miss it. i rather we were a quarreling couple then nobodies.. i tried to avoid these thoughts in your head. guess they were more friends with you and told you all about it. so you wanna blame me please do. for i had already think of how you would respond.

i felt WRONGED. so i cried. people can read me wrong. but i hope you never will. i always thought sooner or later you will know the me inside. the true me and what i wanna give.

i want to know when you are happy, sad, disappointed, angry, lost. i want you to be happy, hopefully not on my expense. "25 or 26 years old MUST R.O.M!" the clock ticks away.. maybe to my end..

see how the other people who claimed to like/love you all fade away.

(and im sad when people only talk to me when they feel they need to. not when i want to. or when i need to. i dont ask for it all the time. but i always give in. so am i living for others am i myself or am i selfish.)

25March.
i flip through the little notes that i only have as reminders of you. dont even have a photo. or the cards. then i call you until you reach his door then you hurry me to put down the phone. now why dont you just stick the knife in and leave it there instead of slowly taking it out and letting my blood go. what is pain.

i call bebe dar dar dear baobei honeydew when i all mean it. cause i dont see myself using them on anyone else anymore. so when you use dear on me please mean it. like the time in jc when we werent as close for a time during lunch i remember you sms me " dear i having lunch now what you doing?" that was only the second time i felt so alive in my 17 years then. the first was when i passed a particular class in BP i look in and i saw a bright and lovely face looking back at me. and i know our minds are for each other and only each other. i long for that feeling again.

Join me. finish this pair of wings. and i will bring you to heights that you never imagined existed.

and i dont care what others say.

(its good to hear you take out sleep. and please i said already. avoid taking stupid risks. watching those things with people you never can trust completely. and especially those people whom you meet in work and most probably will never see again in life. you dont need to have so many people in life.)

i enjoyed the talk on 24th March night. thx. hasnt been so sweet for a long time. but who knows on 25th...

-如果有一天-

16/3. the feeling of just showered after long hours of field work. hmm sweet. light breeze. sunshine. bird calls. in my shorts singlet and slippers. sipping icy water. jealous? dont be. thats how life should be. and just reward for hard work out in the day. but more work to follow after the break.

its not easy to be me. im just log for my dream with loneliness as a friend.

"you can be late. as late as you want! as long as you are not later then bunk 1 !" <-- thats what i learnt this week. hypocrisy and abuse of power. total bias. i dont care who heard me when i say that. they may think im green-eyed or a sore loser. but i speak the truth.

也想 born to be blind。就可以不用看到这世界。也不会想有感情。因为没有人会对我有意思。
也不会想念你的微笑，你的脸，你的美。because i wont know you.
看不见，什么都使用心去想的。世界会是很美的。。

of course you all can say im a bastard to say that...

18/3 huixian meiz bday. happy birthday meiz. never reply my message. so busy ah..
was supposed to arrange to bring U to Topshop warehouse sale. but got no news of the place. hmm lucky u called to say about some modelling thing at taka. i couldnt care less i just changed and got out. so what if she was not pleased with my last minute decision. she has to bear with it.

to admit. i was abit disappointed you didnt dress up more. thought you were going for interview... but never mind. in my eyes... its all that matters..
taka - far east (for your favourite LJS) - cineleisure for K-box. - suntec - lakeside.

ya. i couldnt bring up the courage to really spend for you. i was in two minds everytime you saw something you wanted or liked. alot of stuff i would have done.

but the more and more you wanted me to sit away from you in the box. and i tried to shield you from the people moving around but you took offence (did u?). i didnt slap u. i just want to touch your face. i recognise the smell. i wanted a simple hug. i know i wouldnt ask for all this. we are different status.

at suntec went to meiz's stall to see the rings and earrings. she thought we were back together.
You wish.
I wish too.
went get pizza. sat outside under the sky facing the fountain. eat. talked abit. but she looked distracted. last time we were there... 14/2 valentine 2004. U vaguely recalled. i guess u wished the person beside u was.....

i guess u detest the name Sandy. i think i loathe the name Marcus.

i didnt think twice about not sending you home. 我会更加不舍得让你走。but u think i went back for meiz? why? and pushing me is not helping me. im not happy this way. killing my love is bad enough, although.. i cant blame u? if u really know what u really love. i know what i want. i really do. its just sad still that its not the same as yours.

"a kiss nowadays is nothing special, its just like a handshake, a form of greeting!"
-from 100% Ichigo

can i ask for a handshake from you.


(ps. please dont cry i dont want you to feel any pressure. sleep well for work later. sweet dreams. yes this is for U. U know who U are.)

-writhing in pain. the unbearable-

has anyone seen a pregnant rat before?
has anyone seen a rat give birth before?
has anyone drowned a rat before?

now has anyone seen a pregnant rat which just gave birth to 4 baby rats that are still weak and blind and pink like baked beans being drowned in a cage in a bucket of water with the rat desperately clinging onto the cage mesh for air?

that is so sick. that i pray for the rat. even though its a pest in the other bunk. but it doesnt have to come to this? but i guess thats life.

questions. suspicions. agony. unacceptable. anger. limit-break.
i guess thats how i felt when u didnt want me to see your friends in BB. why am i very shameful to show? all those questions that u never gave me an answer.
i guess too, thats how you felt when i couldnt bring you up to my mother even though she saw so many clues of me having a gf.

perhaps we know how each other feels. how we felt. but not immediately at that time. we both could have done better.

but for me there was fear. i said before. that i couldnt see you again. like my army friend. he doesnt even go out with his gf anymore. even on his birthday last week. yet they are still attached. from what i heard is because of the girl's parents..

if my dreams are really messages from the future, i long for a dream to come true. and for better dreams to come.

UnBeArAbLe.

I CURSE the fellow(s) who went to JE sports complex and stole the four bags. on 11March2006.
get run over by a bus or something. or choke on your food bought with the money u got from stealing and selling the stuff away. Hell's doors are always welcoming you (all) .

- if DESTINY didnt want us to be together forever then why did FATE arrange for us meet each other-

idolise. like. love. are all totally different things. so i said about teresa. and dawn. i could never really love them unless i know them personally. and not everyone that i know personally can be a subject of loving. anyway i dont want to mention anything about this game already. yes its not a choice. people "fall" in love. its an accident.. get it?

wednesday was supposed to be happy. but i kinda realised this trend. that if it had a extremely good start it would have a boring end. or if i had a really bad day i would have a peaceful and nice night in the end. so who determines all this luck? cant i have a totally enjoyable day for once. entirely my choice?
so Arsenal qualified after dumping out Real.. whoomp! so what if i lost money when they didnt win but draw. so what if i had only half an hour more of sleep? i woke up brighter then everyone. stronger then everyone. particularly because also of the conversation the night before. yes with u. all the cutesey voices and all. even during soccer i had then bedazzled with my footwork and even scored a nice out-curling shot. deep inside i knew something was gonna turn around at night. so it came. u called. and i called back too.

“记得 Bugis那个 $1.50的鸡饭吗？"
“你换了睡衣了吗？ hello kitty or winnie the pooh?"
oh..the sweet rush to my head. the sweetest memories that only WE 2 share.
the 2 sentences i wanted to say. i could only say one.
你有想我吗？
i decided i shouldnt say the other. i couldnt even compose myself already.

"你要快乐啊。答应我。你一定要快乐幸福啊."
such a stupid line i said. i think you dont even care.

and i didnt want to put down. i wanted, always wanted this moments to last. so what in the past i couldnt hold a conversation with u for that long. i can now. i can do alot of things now.

Beat it. who says the First Time, 第一次，are the most memorable and lasting memories and ought to be treasured. all lies. our many firsts. *snap* of the finger and all can be forgotten.

during outfield : flick flick flick. buttons came off. i got the fastest "unbuttoning fingers". even ZJ was impressed and ask me to demo for him to feel. i thought he should be more skilled at unbuttoning then me? ( lol ) overheard tim say "ooohh.. so where have you been practising unbuttoning at such speed and with such ease?"
haha. like you want to know tim. many other things i can remove as fast.

isnt it sad when u long for getting out of camp. but shudder to go home and face your reality. i have no escape. why dont i just run into the wall and die. 1 month to go..

should be getting my pay increment le ba..

"do what you can for those less fortunate than yourself." does that mean everyone else is less fortunate than me? geez no wonder i get no help.

"男人都是这样的。" sounds familiar. “我相信你不是啦。。“
so when u say these lines which one do i believe? nvm. i dont have to prove to anyone. let people think im gay and weird. so be it.

tasted love, don wanna different kind. hit a wall, don wanna change my path.

有的人说不清哪里好，但就是谁都替代不了。
that should explain why .

"dunno why you will like me. im no good"

overheard little sister talking to little brother
" winnie pooh ah?"
"不是啦 winnie the pooh la!"
"是不是 winnie and the pooh?"

-le fabrication dans des conditions normales d'utilisation-

hah.. powderful French..

did ya all see this article in the papers? about some female secondary schools enforcing the no coloured bras rule.. to the extent tthat they confiscate the girls' bras and let them go thru the day and even go home whithout them! isnt it abit too extreme, especially for them young ones? this is unneccesary danger and trauma for them. and when was the last time u saw WHITE sports bras? their claims are true, that they cant get white ones and thus their expensive coloured ones are confiscated. ridiculous..and to think they have male teachers in school.... STUPID.

which brings me to a topic i couldnt have the chance to convey. i mean it would be easy between girls but as a guy.. how can i bring myself to say this. even in a gesture of goodwill. hope ya all are reading.. cause i feel that girls should sleep withou their bras on. solely on a comfort and health issue. cause it impedes blood circulation when you are sleeping. i mean when you sleep your body should be totally relaxed. so why let the bra constrict you? and i still feel that sleeping without underwear, both guys and gals, should be the optimum sleep and rest condition. obviously.. and although its not proven that sleeping with bra on would increase chances of breast cancer, just take it as a comfort issue. bras should be avoided as much as possible. ok now what are your comments? that im a perv right? i said my piece. up to all of you out there to shoot me ... friends should know im not that kind. so up to those who choose not to heed or skeptical of me..

love is not 100%. never. cause one can always only see 99% or less of their partners. cause the weakness they wanna hide will never come out unless their understanding is 100% already. and thus they will always be loving the 99% of their partners. nobody can fully accept, try to tolerate, or dont mind the actions and behaviour of the other half. and rarely will people go looking for something they think may upset them about their partners. for those who do go all the way, and dont regret, can accept or tolerate without changing the other party, i applaud u. it takes alot of courage and willingness. for those who dont venture or just leave it as it is, i dare challenge that its not 100% love that u deserve. so carry on living in your facades...

ah. u all may think i m going on and on in sour grapes. but i should know. i been THERE and i stayed. and fought on. it could have been forever. but its just too much and a wee bit too late. the final stretch was my own running without a guide. so i got lost. its too bad i have a longer patience then others..

quisquis amat valeat...

(think i not going taka. nothing to wear. no face to show. all these excuses.. yes i very much want to go down. but i dunno what they will see and say..)

-i think im in luv.. and fuck u dont owe me-

that IJ's Theresa.. or is it Teresa.. oohh..ahhh...
shucks im acting like a smitten groupie.. but can i help it maybe this is the feeling of love.. lol. shes so sweet andd demure.. and she sings well too. maybe i can go tomorrow to bishan to find her..

haha but saying all that i wont do anything. chui gong lan pa song.. just admire from far lor. everything will past. or so i hope.

had the horriblest-est bowling today. crikey. i couldnt hit more then 110 at all. in 5 games! horrendous. i feel like a total newbie. and i couldnt even get to know why until Ben offered to film my movement. thx for his advice if not i will be thrashing my head out. meng has grown tall. and not as soft. haha so how was your Final Destination at cine? ooh go for the girl la dont have to paiseh with me.. lol..

to think i will goad others to go after someone. hah. its not a game

paris hilton. jessica alba. yada yada yada. "give u FREE u want anot?" they posed this question. stupid army bunk people. so what if i say no? hell doesnt mean they LOOK hot (which i dont think so) and that they are girls and FREE means that they trow at you you must want right? shit. what is the world coming too. just some acceptable looking girl throws herself at you and you take? what ever happened to principles and love and all the exclusivity? or m i just old fashion and wimpy? but i stand my ground. not just anybody throw at me for free means i must take. especially loose women like Paris. heck even anyone who is decent thrown at me if theres no feel i wont even care twice. sue me if u think im gay. not all guys are like u all. particularly disappointed with those who are attached still. sigh.

Aviary. sing. overnight at my house. sleep on the floor. book in together "why this loose women here who is she u 3 'love triangle' is it ?" "if is your steady i let her come sleep in your room nevermind!" slap u then u know. fucking piece of.. just because i m born to u means u can anyhow call my friend names is it? what and what animals. fuck u understand? and acting so childishly hidiing the remote control when i watching tv "nothing in this house belongs to u ok! go sleep with them la!" u think i want to come home? how amny nights out i get to go out but i choose to stay in camp? cause i got no friends and no love because of u? and i dont even want to go home to see hear or even know u are so near to me! fuck once i get enough money i will buy my own pad and invite all the girls there. and send photos to u everyday to show how lucky im without u. even though none of the girls will ever be loved by me. STEADY will forever be a new meaning for me. cause it doesnt exist.

that day will come. or i will die first. meanwhile.. well i guess.. i ddnt go to MOS. because. no because.

still. nobody appreciates what i had done to help them before. continue picking on the times i didnt help u all ok. just continue. i wont give a flying fuck about what you all say.

maybe i can start carrying balls and sucking up to the superiors. maybe thats how Fatty G became like this with them all. maybe i really have to be a hypocrite. go to hell or live in hell.