-你的一百分会给怎麽样的人？-

M Sir saw i was moody the morning before the exercise. he had a man to man talk. i feel so paiseh talking to him about this. things i cant even figure out how not to affect me. he say he can understand because his wife was also his schoolmate and when he went after her he made it a big news in his level. but he said i will never know what will turn around for me. and ask me to work hard and be at full concentration for the exercise.

thx for your confidence in my ability sir. but also i truly know what i feel and what i want so really there is no solution to my problems..

outfield. was quietly hoping you will call me at night. but i really shouldnt expect so much. we are different status after all. was i significant figure in your life before? cause i sure am not now. i couldnt really talk to anyone for the 2 days. i had so much running in my head i cant sleep on the book in night. my body cant function. so much that i wish my work will kill me. i really wish for such things. take my memory away. put a bullet through my brain .

简简单单不是很好吗？
outfield 2nd night couldnt sleep at all. despite after shift very taxing on eyes. and cold. and i was HARD up ALL NIGHT heaven knows why, its unbearable. i dont enjoy it. its not that i could do something there and then. toss and turn and tired. i was happy to see the missed calls. there was no reception at times. the water the sky the moon the sunrise and the view. the only missing ingredient was YOU.

after so long and so much doubting and re-affirming, i still miss you so bad. even always lying to myself that you are always hurting and disappointing me. but my heart never lies.

i lied.

was i scared when i wanted to phrase my question to ask for your friends number? if not do i have to go through such means to ensure they dont say it and give you a wrong impression? you were angry and suspicious. i never heard this for so long. i dont like it, yet i miss it. i rather we were a quarreling couple then nobodies.. i tried to avoid these thoughts in your head. guess they were more friends with you and told you all about it. so you wanna blame me please do. for i had already think of how you would respond.

i felt WRONGED. so i cried. people can read me wrong. but i hope you never will. i always thought sooner or later you will know the me inside. the true me and what i wanna give.

i want to know when you are happy, sad, disappointed, angry, lost. i want you to be happy, hopefully not on my expense. "25 or 26 years old MUST R.O.M!" the clock ticks away.. maybe to my end..

see how the other people who claimed to like/love you all fade away.

(and im sad when people only talk to me when they feel they need to. not when i want to. or when i need to. i dont ask for it all the time. but i always give in. so am i living for others am i myself or am i selfish.)

25March.
i flip through the little notes that i only have as reminders of you. dont even have a photo. or the cards. then i call you until you reach his door then you hurry me to put down the phone. now why dont you just stick the knife in and leave it there instead of slowly taking it out and letting my blood go. what is pain.

i call bebe dar dar dear baobei honeydew when i all mean it. cause i dont see myself using them on anyone else anymore. so when you use dear on me please mean it. like the time in jc when we werent as close for a time during lunch i remember you sms me " dear i having lunch now what you doing?" that was only the second time i felt so alive in my 17 years then. the first was when i passed a particular class in BP i look in and i saw a bright and lovely face looking back at me. and i know our minds are for each other and only each other. i long for that feeling again.

Join me. finish this pair of wings. and i will bring you to heights that you never imagined existed.

and i dont care what others say.

(its good to hear you take out sleep. and please i said already. avoid taking stupid risks. watching those things with people you never can trust completely. and especially those people whom you meet in work and most probably will never see again in life. you dont need to have so many people in life.)

i enjoyed the talk on 24th March night. thx. hasnt been so sweet for a long time. but who knows on 25th...