-saddened-

i mean why
is it really so much of a stigma
that those that i didnt even opp
spread news like wild fire
such that i seem like a vacuum
"sucking" people into my scam and earning their money?
when i really see what i can help them
yet be put off by what others said heard or experienced

injusticed.

-hectic. but not losing steam.maybe-

ah just back from guard duty
eyes still poppy

thinking of princess' rejected calls and unanswered smses.
DLs' lack of response and respect for my coordination
stupid crying in camp during my 2 confined nights
and even bloody stupider thinking of the moment in life:
when it was 26072004 our 3rd anniversary, when i made a card and gifts to surprise U at ur house but we didnt talk much. cuz u had to study for tests/exams. u were in my Fav Pooh pyjamas. and U saw the look on my face when i just stood at the window and gazed downstairs. i know i shouldnt have done it. but i though its a special day i could get some attention. bt i also know u want to study. but i remember the lovely hug from behind and taking my hand. for the moment i thought my life and efforts were worth it.
ok cut. end of thoughts. stuff from 2 years ago..

appt just said he couldnt make it. going to office soon. so much for my 1k per week target. it will come. not this week but next !

-till the day when the people i really care knows that i do, and dont leave me like tehy take it for granted-

im tired. U were at MOS. many people many other palces. i yearn for my break.
and my BIG LUCKY BREAK.

17sept saturday- yawn.. all because of you la.. ahah.. 4+ am still at Mustafa Centre shopping.. reach home 6am sleep 2 hours..then back to coy.. this is En and me..bought shoes shirt munchies.. and still have two shirts to thiiiinnkkk.. 

-ho hum. yawn-

week just started running.
people to guide.
money to be earned.
its not hard at all.
make me proud!

family been kinda messed. i blew it. but i had to do the things i should. tired? part and parcel of this life i take on.
sleep? its all in the mind? hyak hyak.. waiting for the weeks to pass. then OCT free week. and by the time i should be BAM! and help princess..

overun with things to do! i hope my momentum wont stop! now to write some letters..

-6 hours back to normalcy-

11pm. 5am wake up. back to camp. facing unmotivated people? at least a bugger is gone.

im sorry i have to sound like that to my mum. but i really am very frustrated annd tired.

and i dont know why i said those things to Princess. and what i should have said. but i guess if i dont change that i will never be able to think right. i asked some questions last night...

good night all. tomorrow will be a better day.

hi mummy finally saw you online...and jiayou all!

-evol fo rewop sv ssenilenol fo htgnerts-

am i feeling it? or just a sense of foreboding.

its like "c'mon do it!" vs "haha here we are again what you gonna do?"

perturbed. am i just not fit to play this game.

"i can say i can always be there
always will cuz i know u ar GD :)
pls pls anything tell me k?!"

thanks for the reassurance from U. but i get no answers.

ah i know Von must be thinking "what the heck?" am i doing. but its just a little something harmless.
touch my heart search my soul.

USD 125 payout. whoopie? can buy my Zara shirt. maybe sunday ba. ask Princess go ask Von go.. G2000 too.

2nd last night of being able to sleep as i please. tomorrow will get the lab report. and wednesday will be back in camp. groan? dont know. kinda miss camp. carry on.

appts + close = BAM.

happy birthday mr Calvin. ya i know push me push me.. just like Lao Da bite me..
so many people looking at me. i dont want to feel those eyes anymore. i want to show it. show them. not let M and KJ look down on me. make TS J and Em proud of me. and many more people.. i dont want to feel the heat of not being up to date enough. ARGH. am i just too weak in mind and sensitive? maybe thats why. i . am . alone .

Minority Report was cool. "You have a choice.." once you see the future.
question is, what will you be the decision you make?

-SUPERSTAR-

wake up 0700. reach around 1100
the long queues. the humidity. stupid smokers. the laughs along the way. the manual fan.
welcome to Toa Payoh HDB hub where queueing for PROJECT SUPERSTAR is carried out.
lol. and got cut off. became 2904. 4th person to queue for day 2 ! whoopie.. much much more efficient.

went Marina to eat. and saw my Zara shirt again.. cant wait.. and went to company. lol. lao da joking with Princess after i showed her Emcom. everyone is infected by her.. ms cindy weiling-jie even Fav-manager also kena chap in. (oops excuse my english again) but luckily he knew his position and didnt linger. and not only i feel. i didnt say anything. but Princess felt it too Mummy ..that lao da is showing it very obviously. we didnt want to know. but he very much wanted to show. and [oops we smell smoke bbut.. still.. for his good la..]

walking to Esplanade Princess ask alot of questions about us. so very much want her to be part of us you know? but her experience from VE is disruptive. but she saw DCP people having fun. play laugh and 路边的野花不要采. she no longer there already but she neither earned nor spent there. but still had a promotion..hmm 我要走淑女路线: she say haa..

eat at the ben and jerry's i ate with mummy. but this time had sofa seat. half lounge there half sleep. see her play bomberman while we talk about alot of things in life. and hmm..talked about U abit also..yawn. and bombing alot of IQ questions and cold jokes..欠扁啊！ and that became dinner. bish.send home. next day report for audtion 10 am. means wake up 730..groan. haha

“明天陪我去吗？就知道你最steady朋友的了！" -> punch into the arm. lol. she say. also dont know why was going alone even though other friends going different time.

Sunday . on time. 0930 reached. no queue. familair faces from previous day. started to pour in. 2901.2902.2903.2904. register..go waiting room. by 1130 jitters were gone. 25th to sing. and 25th to say NO = OUT. first 25 participants all didnt go through. dang! pitch problems. i heard. nah! your loss! next year! went yoshinoya Cine. eat and talk alot about what to specialise in [sleep? acting cute? bowl? pool? swim? sing? dance? having nothing pro at? maintain beauty? or increase 内涵？] haha now can pressure Princess one book one day. play air hockey. look at rings. [they never have black rings that i like ..grr] take 174. bomberman.. bish.. hand over to parents. pass BB. didnt go down. even though had nothing to do. hows Ur work at BB lobby? as much as i am free.. i didnt feel.. go down to find U? dunno..

a house thats not home
a feeling thats without love
a direction without clear signs

ate my own KFC dinner. felt sick. tired. just... want to breathe my last.. and give up.

SAVE ME. my DRIVE is at a bottleneck.

hit BAM in september? please..

-Sept 4-

'hangover' since the stay over at changi. slept to 11+ and woke up to eat.
xiao mei called at around 1 to ask me go JP.. jie meis said they want to shop for Rina's brithday gift.
end up i just go JP for 1 bubble tea and walk around. all mahjong's fault haha they left early then goad me to go pick up Princess at her house (ya la ya la i know you all sure spot check. i went k happy? her block is one of the blocks i went to view a flat before thats why i know..)

bish. Princess wore red and white stripes backless. later sure people say we 2 wear 情侣装.. then we talk about eyeliner and nail polish lol thx princess still want to paint my nails for me like a watermelon.. -_-" so much more things to play with once NS finishes. met Von at JE and tadah knew it she commented we wear 情侣装.. then she said to princess "what if i untie all these ribbons at your back?" im SO out of this conversation ..haa

citylink.marina square. Topman. Zara G2000. *blink blink* SUITS SHIRTS TIES! waaaaa i saw two shirts i want to buy! and to finally tailor a coat..SOON! SEPT IS MY MONTH! pay day will come. shop shop shop..
my style my clothes..

then found out joyce knows princess. from VE ooh. steven also..but cant recall. eat..take pictures. Birthday girl and twin Princess. haha. K box pool room. sing until so messy. 2 Chivas Regal and 1 Martell. and alot of honey lemon.. had to control Princess' drinking nearly forgot cause she say she red but no leh. but dont want her to smell later her mum scold her again. haha ben made a late appearance with..KIM! (whoaaaaa all around) lao da also come talk to me about them..and princess.. and targets and his expectations for me. thats why i say sept is my month . 50 lots.. i hope. and definitely manager. RAH! my incentives. (and ask princess share my clothes from Zara.. the Jay-ish shirt hee..)

why i cannot wear my own shirt and sing my own song ah? haha. my name Jay what. hmph
just that dont know why my duet time all will have others join in.. >_<"

-sent.off-

overnight since saturday
engrossed ourselves with childish games
earned 10 USD
talked about alot of things. free minds
seeing some of them knocking out here and there

explored the terminals (felt like its been decades since i last went, although there is this familiar twinge that i last went..with some..one.. eh.. hmm)

630 am mummy came. everyone felt a rush of emotions already. lingz and minz seem calm. could tell xiao mei was trying to conceal something already. i can tell. and i m ready. waited. "parked" there. Lao pa and gang started to crack stupid "setting bird free jokes". maybe they were trying to lighten the mood? but could tell not all were very impressed. tears started to form. my shoulder starts to get "expensive" due to the attention. i told Von : i think next time i can sell myself. i m the product. shoulder $20 for 2 hours. or hugs for $10 per hour. at least i can be of comfort to somebody. i will make big money at the airport. mummy went in but still turn around and look at our jokes and expression through the glass. and call out to tell xiao mei alot of things. and the cards and messages she had for us. 5 months xiao mei. 5 months mummy. we will be back to welcome you in coats. our people will become able dream chasers by then already. and continue fighting from there again all of us!

-aside, me and minz sat down and notice a couple. the girl is going to fly alone, but they seem to be quarrelling. and he stupid guy seems so blur as to how to handle that when the girl just turn and walk away a bit he will just slowly follow. dont even know how to hold on? or say something? people are going to leave already and you still want to quarrel? dumb.. seeing this minz and i also felt "duh" but just keep looking see whether there is any kiss-and-make up. didnt know where they went after that. haiz. distraction-

xiao mei xiao mei. i knew i shouldnt have let you go take bus alone at clementi. seeing how you control yourself. its not very good. i know its very tough on you from what is happening at home annd mummy leaving today. thats why i didnt want to interrupt you let you sleep on my shoulder throughout the journey and ask whether you want go out anywhere when you dont want to go home first. but after that you went home seems to be happily went to bed when i called you. but you cried on the bus ride right.. haiz. i knew i shouldnt have .. sorry. but let me take over for the moment. mummy knows and can understand. i will standby when you need me k? i been through similar things andi dont want the same extent to happen to you. it will only help if you are open about it to me k. cause you know that you too one day will be ablt to handle it yourself. let this be a transition phase. jiayou. fight on. we will all still be here.

-expectations-

weight

gaining on me

heavy

heavier

faster

when you are not improving

you are lagging behind

i have my responsibilities

along with my needs and wants

what do i seek to accomplish?

i lived my life, always for others

i see that if i can help i will not avoid it

but do i ever see myself being happy

at that moment

yes

but not when i need help

and get nothing from the people i helped

not even a second look or concern

yet i plough on

i closed my own appt today

my first.

im good?

i dont think so.

it wasnt depending on what i said.

if not i would have closed 2

but i knew it was a start

plenty more to do

plenty more of setbacks

plenty more to improve

but fast

FASTER

i must be up to speed

'cause there are people looking up to me.

i cant slow down

not catching my breath

i push for the first hurdle

get the coat

get the wallet

get the money

go with the gift tie Von gave me

(thx dear. and sorry for the little things i had to make you worry)

i

want to be somebody

for the people who matter in my life

look up to me

believe in me

see the value in me

i want that

it will be enough

to die with a smile

princess

your 'purple' first appearance caught me

lingering

fluttering

'heart'

but sorry

what ever it might be

what ever people might say or suggest

i dont think

i will do anything

i need more signs

call it a wound

call it a hunch

call it untimeliness

call it fear

or call it cowardice

go on laugh at me

make me stronger

for once i weep

i return harder to break

come this far

so near to a taste for the first time in life

people to thank

poeple who appear at times i need

just by being there

t-h-a-n-k-s

reject me. keep me out in the cold. i dont mind.

but follow me. believe me. i will bring you to the sky.

along with me. see you at the top.

'cause you see what i can

and you believe

therefore i will live up to your faith

this my oath to those who see it

and my curse those who dont give a shit.

cause its not easy. to be. me.