-the man we know as Raja-

S Rajaratnam, 1 of the founding members of the PAP, wrote the National Pledge in 1966, and was the 2nd Deputy PM of the country.

The departure of one of the country's pioneers this week. may he rest in peace. although i do not know him very well, but from what i have seen and heard these days, i do respect him much.

His utmost wish for all races to bond together for the country's development..

He lives near Q's house. had alzheimer's in his latter years. but what struck me was the post-it notes he left on Piroska's, his late wife, portrait to remind himself of his undying love for her. she left 15 years ago due to pneumonia, a disease i personally came across which can be quite scary. they had no kids, meaning they only had each other, and they dated thru WWII..

Not that i would have the chance to experience the same as them. but these ever-lasting love stories still tug at my heart strings even though i feel myself growing colder towards these matters of the heart.

R.I.P dear Sir and Ma'am

Q asked me by chance this week " have u ever exchanged sweets by mouth before?"
how would he know. in fact there are plenty more "swwet" gestures... but.. i rather let them pass with time..

ACTUALLY guard duty is not all that bad. standing outside getting a different view. a different breeze. thinking time. no distraction. just abit monotonous and troublesome at times..

thursday night got to go out. usually i wont have . but heck just go have fun. got people to sing with. but seems like the song i wanted to sing to u, u will never get to hear it.

what else.. Jay's 轨迹
even at Aviary, when i sing half way the phone mysteriously turned off. and so i thought u can hear. but u didnt. and u said ZJ sings better then me. heck. u dont cant even tell whose voice it is already too.

got lots of duets can try with zoan. good practice. never knew i can reach and control those notes. and sorry guys. no i didnt change mood after the phonecall came. eyes were bloodshot and i was tired..

温岚-祝我生日快乐：“还爱你。。。带一点恨。。“

FEVER 37.9. 38.4 ..... Doc didnt drip me. gave me paracetamol. like i dont have my own.. sleep whole day. slack. didnt want to go home. just sleep in for duty lor..hmm

friday night in bunk alone. watch Beauty and the Geek. u had to call and ask that question. why must i always be associated with the girls around me? u like to drag the people around me with me is it? what do u get? to ask the camp girls accompany me? when will u learn? and who will ever know what i really truly want. its just a simple, very simple thing.

简简单单

-1st March. Lily, Yvonne, Xinni, Adeline, Wanteng, Jasmine, Fabius, Shaun, Meng, Renyih, Khe, Sookfern. all the best for the results. and go soar for greater heights. meanwhile let me contemplate my own options..-

paraphrase Umberto Eco's words -> the absolutely unreal has become the new reality.

Change is the ONLY Constant.. nowadays



feel.so.retarded.mug on sink ledge. touch/knock.slip. try to catch. handle broke into 3. body smashed. fingers flowing blood. thank god the week is going to end. what luck i had for this week. to be a kind person and land myself in my own dilemma of commitments. and these lethargy. and this bloody accident. literally. sigh. book in in 3 hours.

-is my life a debt i cant pay off-

shit this sick feeling

i vow never to help all the people who dont deserve my help anymore. cause they dont seem to give a shit whether i need help in somethings. like cgh that mothafker. everything thats not his is trash. dump dump dump. f*k u man. wait till i dump your things without u knowing and see u crying for help.

shit this existence of debt

what am i. born to be hated? to be a source where people vent their frustrations on? have i always been being used? just because i dont need to have a reason to help others? and so take me for granted? then f*k it man just let me die and see all the people cry and mourn my loss. whoever appreciates what i did at times of need? they only complain what i didnt do. or what i did wrong.

will anyone of u bring up this to your own parents? that u hate them for everything they have done to bring u up. can u bear to say this even if they asked for it? would u? so how could i tell them : hey father. f*k u for bringing the whole house into discordance. and leaving me with a bad name just being associated with u. and hey mother shit u too. this tyranny is so last century. u still expect me to be your puppet and be at your beck and call? i have my own life and privacy k? stop giving me these "privileges" like a reward. i dont have to earn such stuff. im human too. i want to live my life. not explain to u every single bloody thing i do. and not only u have your moods. im bloody human and alive and have emotions. so dont go around saying i dont give a f*k about how u feel. cause u never put how i feel into your mind. you all are just YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU all the time. how i must behave. how i must perform.

do u all even realise what i have lost all these years. i lost friends. i lost my motive in life. i lost will. i lost inspiration. i lost confidence. i lost love. i wish i can say u all are not involved with all that.

BUT HELL NO.

slam the door all u want. complain. scream. vulgarities. condemn me. u think i want to book out every weekend seeing this. going thru this. f*k no. but do i have a choice.

all u all ever do is make me cry in my sleep. scream into my pillow. and not letting the whole frikin world know how i feel. im insignificant.

-now if only someone can show u what i wrote here.-

-ahh.. the beauty of patience-

haven i said before. that patience is wonderful. a gift that sadly you dont possess..

see how this patience would have been so much more fruitful..

did not see what i could become, and only saw the present. at that time. life is transcient. despite my assurances, it doesnt come to fruition.

so they came over. lol watch Be With Me.. i buy haven watch so just nice.. its a very touching story. so very nice. but zoan like getting so bored.. aha falling asleep.. eat abit. talk complain. watch tv. too bad no radio to play some songs. haiz. just whiling the time away.

they took turns falling asleep la. so much for wanting to hold all the way.. haha. not like me. supposed to be the most tired one around..

then i smelt something. something so familiar. that lingers. that i used to miss. that i used to smell and remember everywhere.. so i ask her: u put baby lotion? zoan say no. turns out is zj put baby powder.. ah..
drats. such triggering emotions..

left at 3. after seeing dad and mum at different times. still such hypocrites.. acting concern.. think i dunno its also spying on what we will do? but they could last beyond 12. lol. all the better. my world. my rules.

the people who were around could have been.... what i had wanted.. and could have been so much better..

but. alas... patience's the gift thats lost, and happiness' reward that did not arrive.

你叫我听的“倒带” 很明显是无法等待。
what could have been will just be a part of my imagination. i bury them with me.

-hit me down, but see me come back at u twice as hard-

喝着烫的菊花茶，烫到了舌头，但是没办法这是个甜中带苦，带痛的滋味。

不出去是罪吗？

F-square offered to let me choose out of the 6 girls for plans for the night. i just gave him a wry smile and a black face. think hes very helpful when i dont have plans for the night? went to eat 孤单prata,发现大家都是两人三人在一起, only im alone at a corner looking out the window.

1 paper thosai 2 egg 3 kosong 1 bandung

吃吃吃暴自己。。
spent with loved ones. i spend with me myself and i. 3 person!

今天是二月十四号，星期二。二零零六年的第四十五天。
oh who am i bluffing. its V day.
so what if nights off for everyone. they can go home. go out. cosy with gf, family.
end the night with sweet nothings. perhpas even love-making. im sure there is.
i have the whole hill by myself. bunk nobody. no guards kachiao me.
mum called i said i outside talking no sound. cause she asked how come so silent. so i lied.

who asked me to be my cause of isolation...

staying in camp is a welcome distraction. try to catch the rat. the silence is killing me. well, at least im not outside looking at others hand in hand.

good for u meiz. at least he is isncere enough to go pick u up at work. 还有的救。。

eeyore bear u sounded chirpy too. think u and eric would have a great night. dont be blue le k? let the past pass.

i can shelf all the emotions, like a robot. i cant be a chooser.

sleep early. at 10. fell asleep at 12. wake at 2. fell asleep at 3. just pointlessly waiting for a call. any one. any call any sound. stupidly . like anyone will talk on a significant night like this.

e day is passing. 说不出口but.. Happy Vday to U.

-knnbccbfuckingstupididiotrattrap whack such a big bruise on my hand. and still cant catch the rat. zzz-

miss kissing unbrushed teeth.

-I WANNA MOS-

turning around and round and round . im like an attention whore.

yea ... my cycle is kinda weird now. sleeping and not sleeping all at the wrong times.

and i wanna go MOS! i just want to club. it hurts so bad to be deprived...

(and whats all that about not going club no money etc etc? always breaking the same rules u set. so much for principles. )

i should just stop blogging about what u do.. gawd.. totally

not frickin fair. i just want to party. i dont get it. why what are u trying to to do with all this mystery actions..

totally sucks. disgust. pui. disgrace to be me. non show-worthy.

-just noticed my bowling bag.. the little purple slipper is still there. thought i threw it away? or is it just one of my fantasies..-

-at peace-

well glad to hear your call meiz. didnt know what to thin if i didnt hear from u. so u scored ok.. i assure u.. u can get any tourism in any poly ya.. only thing is too bad TP is so far away. thats been my headache too.. but hmm nvm.

choose what u like to study k? not what otehrs want u to study. or popular. u will only do well in things u die for..

well i still may choose tourism in the end. but.. we shall see meiz. i know dont give up my degree chance.. but knowing myself.. somethings cannot be changed overnight..

silence of the dead of night. no wind. nobody.

wonder why Zoan doesnt think im a virgin. wonder why they have to start those gossips about them. wonder why the very people whom are hated suddenly changed their perspectives around.

Guess thats life.

-so i admit those oranges and card was placed at the door by me. whos there to stop me. or tell me not to do that. nobody was sure of whom it was from anyway. so wishing the family Happy CNY..not a wrong thing also.. 15 days of CNY going to pass...-

-shattered visuals of the ideal-

I FINALLY mustered the courage to throw away all the white stars i folded since i got out of BMT.
all the hundreds of stars i folded from torn strips of paper.
every single one thought of u would be represented by one star. i threw the whole box of them away.
its heavy yes. but i would never expect to see them come to use..
i was asked before "fold for who?" by my officer.
"nobody in particular" i answered. dont know whether to smile back or not.

something struck me this week too. that i still kept to what i used to make myself do. like eat the chicken wing cleanly. even the soft bones that i usually dont. and chew and chew and chew. and i still try to eat ginger even though i dont like it one bit. i guess im hopeless. who is there to know. but what i had set out to do to change myself has become a habit. no its not wrong.. is it?

had a very bad dream on wednesday night. i woke up totally grumpy. felt like beating up people totally if they came near me. it was so vivid. like i really got into the biting war of words with that asshole. and forced him to jump out of the window. or did i push him to the edge? but i had to stand for what i want right? i want to fight for my own happiness. my dreams. all the things i have never got the chance to. i dont want him to ruin it all. maybe he doesnt have to die. like i used to think. just leave. i be better.. we will be better...

thursday night was at Zes disco, Chevrons. haha the guys were all desperate i guess. even officer went to pick the chio-er guide for us. Rina.. i think.. then they were all like secretly ogling.. typical of army guys? lol.. and all the lewd actions.. i feel so paiseh to be "associated" like them. not all army guys are like that ah.. but wait.. even those with gfs... sigh..

(did i mention i got pushed into the same lift with her. just side by side.. idiots. but im used to these sabo-ing. i just smile at her. thats the only politcally right thing to do. i guess i did it well. not like those horny bastards.. >_<)

then i thrashed the idiots who challenge my Initial D. HAHAHA.. den the para para.. wish i had my bowling stuff.. kinda bored. den it was dinner and perfomances. and karaoke in the disco. my voice failed abit. couldnt hear myself. so my 发如雪 abit off tune. groan. felt paiseh..

-tuesday is V day. so fast. OC granted a whole nights off and book in on wed morning. hell. he doesnt realise how i would feel. and i didnt want to voice out. i wanna stay in camp. not be outside looking at others having dates. and they cancelled dinner and next days breakfast. what can i say? i wanted to stay in for the night. and dont have to travel the next morning. and dont have to see anything. guess i cant. shit . it sucks to be in the minority. even though only 4 have gfs... ya la ya la.. like he said "give u alot of time to sayang sayang before doing it la.... a few hours where got enough!?" nothing to say.."

meiz. haven heard from u about todays results... good or bad dont worry. im sure u can achieve your choice of course still. update me k? no matter what kor stand by u. and hope he is there for u too when u need him. not just to be good to u just to win u back ... all the best.

(oh ya.. and that day thanks for talking to me. but really dont be matchmaker for me. i really not interested to go thru that again.. even though i did say my hopeful criteria for gf. thx 4 ya concern meiz.. but really no. no need..)

<-Me,Zoan,ZJ-> lazing on the ground staring into nothing. this is life..
 

-news reflect. and reflects of my own.-

anyone read the news about the Clementi indian rapist? apparently he is wanted for other crimes long ago. but hell.. why would anyone want to rape a helpless widow who is so old already? is he twisted or what!
one thing still puzzles me.. the place wass near my ex working area.. the 19 years old girl who was attacked too. she said she is a virgin, and the guy just had anal sex with her? so thats all she could say? that she is a virgin, and the guy gave up? and guess whats worse. they dress up and leave as though nothing happened, only for her to go back for her glasses, and he helped her find it. GOD. this sounds like an arranged act isnt it? and while searching he did it to her again....

all this sounds too fake. sorry for being disreSpectful. but one who is so twisted to rape a grandmother could let a girl remain a virgin. i dont know what to say about that..

happy birthday world! today is everybody's birthday..

was made to go haircut at the ungodly hour of 4pm while i was half rotting at home. didnt wish to go to np people's steamboat gathering. haha i haven met them ever since we left bp.. cause of the idiot "tai jian" i never want to get acquainted with again. and in some ways i dont have the courage to face them all.. dont know why? also yeeli will bound to ask about me. haha never really treated her as a real big sis. only one day bigger! hmph..

and Karl says you are quite pretty. hmm. he said he asked you whether im your bf. you said no. dont know what else you mentioned. but when i mentioned we broke up a year ago, he was like " who broke whose heart? must be you not good to her la" i was gutted. must it always be the guy's fault? oh. cause its me. everything should always be blamed on me. unfortunately i m who i m. well i just say i dont want to think about it. i just dont want to have it hanging in my mind. i've got a curse on people.

to which he said
" you know from the look of your eyes i know you still love her. no second chance never try to get back??"

i know im not good enough. i never will be. even if i try out of my skin.

yay. short hair. every haircut feels so uplifting.. hmm.. monday gphototaking session. better get a good shot this time. i screw up at every photoshoot. *blimey*

如果这是通往爱的旅途
也许注定就要荆棘密布。。

(i dowan to know. dont show off.)

pic taken on graduation night. cool not? not bad ah i can make this effect. too bad is not my camera. Zoan looks at "something" ... 

guess which Japanese Restaurant uses this spoon.. ( what u mean u cant see.. its written Cathay Pacific on the spoon.. doh..) 

can see? the ktv box suite. can see Jay Chou's 一路向北..

-yAwn-

hmm.so my feeling is wrong. nope no calls. might as well. no double guessing..

my bad.. all the nicey photos haven got them over yet. ah haha wait til the world sees my art..

yesterday went visiting 2 houses.. play XBOX PS2 got so not used to the controls that ..of course i lost .. not without pride though.. try me on the keyboard ya..

rus' house was extravagantly superlatively nice. gee. i only ask for his room. just for the budget to get his room.. thats what a H-O-M-E should really feel like. family portrait. porch. sky garden. glass doors. backyard. 3 storeys of rooms. tv, couches... im at a loss of words... and i still dont believe his sis is 6 years older. heck.. how can she look like that if she is 6 years older?

went to some quite cosy ktv box.. songs are quite new. but quite out of place. hmm maybe i should go there often...发如雪，一路向北， 决定爱你，分手快乐，黑色幽默， 遗失的美好, 倒带。。。 哇！ alot of songs i sang. dunno whether that fatty G is sniding some remarks by the side. U and Ray barely can carry a tune ... HA..

[oh.. when i started 发如雪.. they all stared at me amazed. and asked me to keep quiet. i dunno why. its cuz they thought they didnt turn of the original singing. then they realised i sounded just like Jay Chou in the song.... ^_^ but i coudlnt possibly keep up that voice throughtout the night ar.. im not a professional singer..]

rus. sis and bf. tim. ray. me. blackjack. man is he good.. just join in and winning streak. is lucky i know how to limit...

oh yea.. talking abot convert.. i wont ever be a liverpudlian. not a chel-ski blue. nor a manusian. cuz they took away Xabi Alonso, Petr Cech, Cristiano Ronaldo away from my beloved Gunners. so dream on. they will always be enemies.

so who the hell cares if the Fowler's bicycle kick was offside and i laughed? i dont owe anyone my opinion. i already said i watch for the goals. and i predicted by the way they played birmingham will draw..

i was right. and Fowler was offside. so i dont give a flying f*^@ what you try to shout at me for. u wanna get emotional over your club is your own problem. i know Arsenal lost too. big deal. i dont just support a winning team. u all can diss my team all you want. is just too bad your little teams never accomplished what we did in the same amount of time we started.. so i wont be uut down by what you all have to say.

i want ice cream.

oh and thx Zoan even if u didnt go in the end. i didnt sob when i sang 倒带. ya. lol... but its fun to suan u like that.. next time ba.. lol

(why today so many ants. i keep feeling the little antbites on my arms.. grrr.. and why i overnight till i reach home at 630am i can only sleep till 11? shucks im not human..)


Schnauzer. Pomeranian. Maltese. what a beautiful headache. how about if i get all 3? haha.. then i just live with dogs.. or i just buy Ayumi's chihuahua Milo-chan!...

Ayumi's STEP you and Is This Love? mtv ... absolutely gorgeous...