-.....changed me since the day u entered my life/ i think its amazing..

-hold it in your heart
give a little love
have a littlte faith
in the 2 of us-

2 months on. i m not the one i was 4 years ago
people can judge me from hat they seen before, but can U?
when u have seen what i can become
cause not many followed my progress

i dont blame anyone for seeing only what the past me was like
of cause i would love it that they will reset it all and see what i have become
and will become
driven
aged
motivated
understanding
tolerant

"the hardness on the outside contradicts the softness within"
i was referred this way. very true. so much pent up hurt that i couldnt give out
and so much feelings that i regret showing wrongly in the past

i m closing my doors not that i want it but because i hope i can really give my all the next time.
i dont intend to give anyone as yet. cause no matter how tight-lipped i am about this, its pretty obvious i cant give something up. i am so tempted to give in.
i stil hope one day one spark. one love. reunites hearts.
what can change my mind? the "no r/s within this year" stand

ZJ is quite right. i close myself will regret missing the chance? i guess i dont really care. there are really only 2 people that matters.

last . thought of u. in 2 weeks time. now its suddenly. 2 times in 2 days.
am i succumbing?

am i wrong am i weak or just that i still really get what i want.i have clearer goals now. steps will have to be taken one day. today. not tomorrow or later. now.

[view the house next to shuqun primary. going to buy. thiink about e sex toy that u say u "need". wonder if he really already give up and just refuse to say. haiz what s happiness to u and how important it is to me.]

I need answers and i hope this two weeks of busying with exercise will give me a clearer picture.

i can take hints.
see the me now. and what i become.

i m killing the old me and leaving him behind.

very tired now. eyes puffy. nap. then its chiong chiong non-stop two weeks. be well. u.

-Club Empire nite-

go
dont go
go
u dont want to go
i dont go
rain
dont go
but still went

ok ba looks quite out of place at jalan kayu seletar camp inside has alot of facilities
and the steamboat is $2 per head.. just bring 8 people! not alot of dishes but nevertheless enjoyable
saw alot of the coy people wearing differently. James looks like 16 la! Calvin also.. saw MD with his gf. chey.. so what he big shot then can snatch mike and change song order ah.. also our IP also like that. haiz. so bad. i only sing one with Eldora. but they cheer and clap like some idol final la.. jiayou Eldora next superstar we all sure go de! then no more chance for next song long queue and cut queue. then dunno why huiling suddenly like PMS le.. also dowan answer me ( i scared of her? actually i scared of all girls. can see from the photos how far i am. bopian then grab me take photo for what. girls. can never guess them. can look like wanna kill you. but still talk to you like that)

i want my photos! then edit.. haha

go home with Angel. on the cab the uncle want to make me lose face sia. think i dunno where to u-turn meh luckily Angel knows im right if not the uncle keep going and going think i dunno traffic cant be bothered just get me home.. duh. hmm also dunno why Von never go. personal ba.. we all very concerned know?

all sleep ba. tml got work got school. i got 4 hours plus to sleep only. koonzz

why didnt you go with me.
u got dinner i know.
its only dinner.
and talk
and sing
thought u would like.
nvm nitez.

-uh oh?-

a little past 1

stifling a yawn

i put down the phone

figuring beyond

0635am morning call

definitely not a bore

but what happened in bed

i did not fabricate

i saw the gang

and the one whom had the same dream

but with the girl was a guy

whom i have never met but known

when the news broke

we jumped and we rejoiced

but the girl who cheered the brightest

did not hug her guy

it was I

who got the honour

of being accepted that We were the ones

who began our little journey

perhaps my persistence pulled through

or our paths met again

towards the destination we always looked forward to

she took my hand

or did i

we went to celebrate

the guy was never to be seen again

beaten. sunk. fade away

i could have laughed

i thought

could i really be holding this hand again

but we went more than that

the furthest distance we ever went

and the forehead kiss that i never thought i would ever give again

shops passed

i didnt care about the money

we splurge

as long as she is happy

success had come our way

in many more ways for me

for there was a flashback in the dream

of the past we used to share

yet the twist in the tale

was that she said she gave me up and was sorry that she didnt see

could we talk this out again

the note in the dream began

i do not see the need to chase

let eventuality pave our way

should our paths cross again

i will gratefully partake

for what is most important

is that my objective is met

be it who it is in the end

i want u to be

stronger

confident

and never having to cry again

except for tears of joy

which i will happily join in to

and so the dream ends

when the clock says 0615

why such effort to wake up earlier than the alarm?

cause at the other side of the phone

lies a tired soul

the unclear voice of the just awaken

i have not heard for long

Good Morning Bright and Fresh

Off to school for U

i didnt hear a thank you

[not that i mind]

but u did sound angry

i dunno why

but i didnt mind

killing my sleep

when the process of waiting

is still as such sweet

but i hold no hopes

and i killed my drive

but i pray that in the end

something can still be mine

passively waiting

doors closed

for the fruit in the end

will be much sweeter.

a little step. serenity at the beach.a little artistic no? 

sun sand and sea. and kids. haha not MY kids anyway.. Jamie and Janice. 

did i upload this before? a little scribble i did when guard duty long ago. can i sell this for $$ ? 

-Agony. and Change.-

waking up

another day of challenges,not problems,arises with you

despite it being so much more like yesterday

you have just got to take it head on.

I help people

not expecting them to offer some voluntarily

but why dont they realise

the feeling of hopelessness

and a hand that pulls them through

should not be bitten upon?

Not blessed with god-like looks

nor Casanova-ish charms

riches like a king

much less an accomodating family.

All i ask

is a heart's fulfillment

a challenge's passed

her world opened up

simplicity gone.

Should i blame myself for this liberation

that brought to her insatisfaction of so many attributes of her own

or should i just curse

that i shown her the wings

enticing her to fly

and couldnt use my own

to catch up in the heavenly flight.

I have been positive

close to 2 months now.

I have a future

far and bright as it may be

Alone with the blessings of my

two angels

i hope

shall be enough to drive me on

and the whole bunch of my inspiration

let us fight

to our dreams

our success

my cars

my house

my own restaurant

my stability.

Im no longer bitter

nor do i miss the times

although it is true

it would be better now

but i stopped wallowing

or trying to hide it all?

Dont be afraid to change

I seek an escape

an abode

where im at peace

the scars have made me afraid

but what if im not afraid

-never knowing all the things i felt and all i have ever done to try-

15May06
meimeiz mama found my hidden package and put on your table.. grr spoil the surprise le
chicken little + jumbo meow and woof card..plus your family got celebrate wor happy 17th birthday meiz
hearing that you are doing so well in poly makes me glad. but particularly about what happened between you and him made me more pleased; how could you ever put up with those threats and made up stories from him? so im happy you left him, solely because you are much happier now being single and running all those activities and being so much free-er. can hear from the tone of your voice too. and grr all those things that he made you believe about me. you say you can understand he cares, just dunno how to show, but how many people are like you? take me as example can le. i dunno who will ever see my life story, maybe only my meimei in heaven can see and feel for me. all the things i swallowed to try and make the people i want to protect and care.. cant say all..but some really went down the drain.

nvm.

smashing up boxes in camp. venting whatever i had in me. yea i guess i dont go moody anymore but doesnt mean i dont feel. whack whack. sawdust. whack whack longest nails i ever seen before. people directing arrowing me IN FRONT OF ME. M*****f***** who injects poison straight into my back. why? he who badmouths people first wins?
恶人先告状heard before? dimwit ass.
who e hell cares you are so well-liked before? now everyone is just turning screws into your coffin and yet you think their mock praise for you are deservedly so.

saya merindui anda. tak faham? sangat bosan semua hari.

company work was ok. thrilled. closed my first prospect. thx Von Eldora Huiling Huimin Kent Daniel Ben T Calvin James Alexx for cheering me on. hope many more to come.. but now.. got problems with this development... ARGH.
why cant my fairytales always end with "happily ever after" ?

cousin Xiangyan's wedding to Jingal. ok la quite innovative. they danced to stage. got officers in number 1 uniform as sword bearers. officer big loh can use this..haha. the cynic of weddings. look at their ROM photos. thinking how we grew up and how she take care of me. truly wish they are happy.

chalet. abit sian. talk through the night. and boy that taijian.. stupid asshole. i bring myself down to your level to talk to you despite its YOU who treat me like im your enemy since so long. i can forget my face and talk to you and thats how you respond? fine. i will never EVER do this type of thing anymore. so be it if you all think you all are so great cuz i wont try to make things happen for you all. every single one. why should i try and hit a brick wall. after all its you all's loss that i cant help you in anyway since you all leave such an impression on me.

Arsenal lost the final to Barca. another dream shattered. my beloved. i wearing my jersey and crying away. Another year another try? Go Go jiayou..

-red eyed monster-

7-14 MAY
first really active week at coy. met alot new faces slowly warming to the people. and getting used to little sleep and ungodly hours. reading up and doing what others think as usual crappy stuff. but all a means to an end. my success. so i will follow no matter how taxing it will be. be fast, not anxious.

i guess the amount put in really does make you work harder. but also once you vision your goal you tend to be able to move towards it

WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU ARE NOT AFRAID? - Who Moved My Cheese

when was the last time you thanked a bus driver for bringing you to your bus stop? or said good night?
cause thursday night i took the reverse route bus with Angel to her stop then to mine i did it. pass midnight le ba. but the uncle dunno how to react . perhaps he didnt even care. used to it ba? chey. but i stil smiled and waved. ahh i did my part not my fault..neh neh neh.. (and oops sorry Angel i guessed your age wrong. of course you dont look old. just.. i like to guess older la. but you dont need meet curfew? hor hor! report to police..)

fri and sat- got this auntie with daughter and son on mrt. left train. i saw got a bag underneathe the seat and run after them ask them did they leave anything. the aunite gave me this look like i about to ask her for money. "no..no?" she answered , shaking head and turning away clutching her bag. then this onlooker stare at me like i have four eyes two noses and three mouths.heck. so much for civic-minded ah. so who left the bag behind. a white paper bag. with newspaper and other stuff. shit. now that i think of it. should have brought to control station.
then at raffles .walking taking my time cause early for appointment, this girl in front of me turned around twice. i wasnt even looking in her direction, just stoning as usual. then she took the escalator. i was like half the escalator length behind. then she looked back down again, and turned back front,using her file to cover the back of her skirt... 1st) : u wan to wear a short skirt then please be aware that people may look/ u wan others to amire ur legs but 2nd): I WASNT EVEN LOOKING AT YOU AT ANYTIME AT ALL! bloody hell.. i dont look at panties too. never did never will. its just a piece of undergarment whats the big fuss..
and finally the biggest thingy. going home on the bus i was standing. then when the bus about to reach one stop i received a tap on my shoulder. instinctively i turned around and let the uncle walk past and alight. but NO mister uncle u STARE at me like i just made your wife pregnant. and tap your ez-link and stare. and walk down the steps and stare. and walk out of bus stop and stare. uncle please if you are twenty years older you would just get a punch in your face from me i guarantee you. WHAT THE FUsS you trying to kick up? 1st) u didnt SAY a word of excuse or hint of moving 2nd) i moved IMMEDIATELY away once you tapped me let you go past and didnt bang into you nor step on you or what. 3rd) i didnt blame you for being a mute (cuz u didnt say a thing ) and you stare at me 4 times. what the hell is wrong with people. and the look makes u so cocksure that im in the wrong for not having psychic powers of knowing you going to alight is it? i can just press the bell and go down and break your bones ok?

done no wrong and get blamed is still ok. but done the right thing and people treat you like crap. see how you feel.

the girl at the coffeeshop at my house looked at me today. probably more than usual. uRgH.. ok so today i dress up nicest-est than ever i did at the coffeeshop, but so? oh.maybe my fault la k. never can get used to people see. cuz nothing to see.

how r U? whats with the depressing U i feel? i know u wont tell. singing song with cousin at Clementi ba. i ate my own dinner.

also. kinda sorry. that i never really dressed up for u to see.
i cant think of anytime.
and the only time when u praised that i look good.
not that i will hear it anymore
was during prom and in bed. without your glasses on.
is true i will dress up more now.
but for no social reasons whatsoever
cause the only attention i want to get now
is my business dealings
(god i might as well be gay. at least the people at colinandkero.blogspot.com are more shuai.
and Von's right. gay people are usually nicer looking than straight guys. so i got entirely no hope)

happy mother's day auntie. yes i mean Ur mum. and my mum. if she sees this. ha. one day to meiz' birthday.
hmm
a new week..

-how i wish-

-How i wish things would turn out differently

When there was just u and me

All the wrong things said

All the wrong things done(and not done)

The most inopportune time

At the most imopportune place

On the most inopportune occasion

Came across by the most inopportune people

I tried. Hard. it fell thru. but now i try again

Poured scorn upon me by those who know

That i gave all just to be with u

Maybe i know i will never succeed

but i know i never will admit

As much as i want to see u

My eyes light up and my lips smile

Yet its my heart that bleeds and weeps

But i still try

Though the mind says go but the heart remains
and even so i will only be afraid of the ultimate answer
but right now all that remains
is a hollow me waiting to be filled
passively
standing there
facing the world
alone.
But i will still beam and fight
for the things everyday
with the past courage as a drive
while i ponder and wonder
i think
U r hapi now


And i still like to wait
i missed having to wait
like i always do and gotten used to before
as an anticipation of what will come
when people finally meet
and the realisation that they fulfilled their promise
and that they are safe
But i dont stand in the way anymore
Rest Assured-

-stepping stones-

3/5
the day i join the company. and start aiming for what i want. and what i will get. yes.

hanging around seeing other people walk around. life flashing past me. i wonder. with all the things i can get when i truly believe. what are some of the things i cant control?

i want to order!
someone who will support me regardless of what i do.
offer advice when i need.
watch from my back and encourage me., even when playing in the arcade (lol i seldom go now..)
give me my silent space when i need it
accept that what i say is for the benefit and try to listen and follow , which i would always do if i get these words of wisdom, and not just acknowledge to make me happy.
to laugh and cry with me, but also see my dreams and support me that one day we will get there.
love me for who i am and what i might become. cause i do think the same.
appreciate what i do even if it didnt turn out well.
have confidence in me cause i will do the same as always
talk to me about anything at all. no secrets. cause i cant read minds and want to share whatever burden there is.
be a friend and a lover.
never having to apologise when we keep our promises and words. (gou gou finger!)

was that basic enough?

stepping stones to finding the right clique be it for work for friends and future business partners. and working towards my car and financial security. not just for my retirement but for my whole family's
thats why i want to be a success. challenging what others have done.

only had 7 hours sleep in like.. 2-3 days. yawn. the start is always the hardest.
yawn. read FEMALE mag. sheesh. nowadays reading alot of stuff to learn variety of stuff. next time i know more about girls then they know themselves. and what guys lack. disgusted by how guys really really dunno what girls want. and sex is not just a performance or a job to finish and go sleep. no wonder so many girls complain about guys not being sensitive enough. sex without love is just exercise. it should all compliment. its beyond orgasms and highs. and the intimacy that binds. but all this will just start another debate. sensitive and gay? or rough and big ego man? humans are weird. they choose too much.

want buy boxers. going out without underwear feels weird. (ya why cannot is it? sue me lor.) got a bit pain for 2 days. lol. must be the badminton "performance" ya. and scratched my scar with another injury. grr. but was still outplayed by the old men.

read colinandkero.blogspot.com
felt so much fortunate for them even though i feel weird. ya gay couple but so? gays are so much sexually and emotionally attached and satisfied. we all dont hear about infidelity amongst gays right? although some of them are promiscuous but still.. happy.
ya ya i knw stupid cousin yesh im still ever so sadist and attached that how you wish i turn gay so i can be happier no? im healthily heterosexual ok sorry to disappoint you but haha we still do stupid stuff in camp. and yes my butt is still desirable. (blush)

U say u want buy shoe. how come nobody gave you for your birthday? or really u trying to say only i prepared something for your birthday? cant be. but u remembered the time Ah Boon wanna buy for u stuff i say go ahead ask him buy for u since he insist and i didnt get it for u yet (or is it..?) but u say dont u shouldnt do this to others cause u are with me and shouldnt use him. (whats the thing hmm.. cant remember)
now u r hinting for me to buy you the shoe? i really like to know what is in it for me. yes sorry to say i still feel like i should take care of you and pamper you but i dont see how come the person who should do it more fails to do so. perhaps im easier to ask for something then him then. good luck in your shoe hunting. if u believe hard enough that u will get it this year u will.
knowing you is never so easy. thats why i dont think anything he done in this one year can compare to what i studied. but is just like... History. i take pride in what i knew. and remember what i learnt.

thx Von. for using the phrase "happily single" know what you been thru and might as well be this way right. and thx my mentors too. (grr mentors younger then me.. im old! no la) many more millions to make! and Raku Ninja at Raffles MRT is great! you still owe me one treat no? haha..

YAY CHALET COMING! but SIGH GOT PEOPLE I DOWAN TO SEE! AND NEXT FEW MONTHS NO HOLIDAYS! make money make money make money. make friends make partners.
work learn enjoy drink sing dance chiong. tired .. adapt to panda mode...

Quen and me. havent been kissed in close to two years. sorry i always let you take my shit here and there. but i swear already 3 weeks ago i am starting on a clean slate. so slap me if you see the need k? and we should stop acting gay. (oops..) when we talk

-labour day.rainy day.-

happy engagement to cousin and her beau.. sorry i couldnt attend your pre wedding treat. have to book in at night. the least i can do is to wish you too all the best. cousin who watched me grow up and taken alot of my shit when i was.. 3-4 years old? haha.

everyones getting married. and whens the last time i attended a wedding? looks like i going to give it all a miss. not that i dont want to share their joy. i wish them all all the best.

我想你明白可能不是爱
我想你只想找个替代
你都说自己并没有那么可爱
我想你明白这并不是爱
我想你忘了什么是爱
我不过是可爱
却还不够被爱
有爱
可以依赖
Rainie 杨丞琳 new album -遇上爱 - track 2=>可爱

hmm. 26-27 april should be "back from ROC" missed the earthquake there. should really have been there to witness it ba. what an experience wasted. its May now. got to get off my butt do stuff. currently got 2 money spinning prospects. thx for your enlightenment gals.. owe you 2 a treat. damn i must be damn dumb not to see them before. now to drawing and designing t-shirts. yippee.

never really knew how i left an impact on some people in life. yesterdays conversation made me realise my contribution to Von. haha. made me float. but at least i could help. i always could help. i just hope it goes around. when i need it.

心锁总有把匙能开
是巧合还是安排
对的时间和对的人try
感动一定会很快

pray ba. for now. nothings gonna change.
maybe 1 day i will have the courage.
maybe 1 day i will read your blog.
just maybe.
20 years old.
how many more to go.