-thought/speak-

You say that love is nonsense....I tell you it is no such thing.

For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart,

never leaving one, by night or by day;

a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism,

not intolerable at any one instant,

but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength. -Henry Adams

-Mambo + Este wiv Princess-

boo!

30aug2006.

hello princess. haa dont think you know of my blog anyways but..hi! well did you enjoy yourself on our night? seen alot more things i guess.. you look kinda tired thoguh, still have to go schol today for cca. NYP visited by Tong En and Fan Yi Chen today.. and princess is helping them! ( like some promotion..sheesh)

dunno was it quite early for you when i said 9 pm. lol princess was quite on time though. purple jacket purple contacts i saw. well at least there were no awkward moments i thought would happen but the trip to tiong bahru was eventful and chatter-filled. :)

reached Zouk too early.. but still looking for a seat urgh. took princess tour around then sat at winebar talk. they are so stingy that they dont even want to play the regualr music? haha Absolut Apeach with 7-Up , Corona's , Bailey's on the rocks. yay. my fav.. you like Bailey's too right? mummy not reaching so early but Kim, mummy's friend arrived already. went to bring her in and chat. then feels kinda weird because A) princess went toilet quite some time but cant go look for her. B) not quite sure how to make conversation to two girls at 1 go ( ok la stop laughing.. i know my bad) Phuture was full. stayed awhile then went Mambo. realised i have alot of moves to learn again. but princess didnt care ahah we just played our own.

then heard Rina got bounced. -boing- left at 12. lucky is Ladies night if not so bad to princess. but main thing is mummy's night right :) went Este bar. not bad.. if not abit old skool music. live band. but still jamming and dance-worthy.. 2 Chivas bottles ^_^ lots of other mixers from the girls. (haha princess and rina look very alike! mummy suddenly got twin children 8 months apart haha. in one night somemore!) Princess you see. everyone lubbchuuu haa. dance play drink munch rest take photo repeat. mummy xiao mei and princess got somewhat tipsy around 3-4 .. then funny things start to happen..

mummy i dont know about you leh. maybe you have a decision in mind. what ever it is hope it is right for you and not due to circumstances or you being drunk. and xiao mei talk alot rubbish. and princess took me to the guy's toilet. haha i dont know where's the ladies at first how to guide!? then the floor lady came over and direct us. she look at me like "what you trying to do" walao.. sad. then princess come out lie down on the sofa. no choice have to be there for her. then mummy also going to blur lie on lao da lap. zZzz something feels... different..

i guess you all can say what you want ba. but i really not thinking very far. or i dont dare to.

psst mummy u saw ah ben get close to Kim? lol.

wake up went dance some more. guzzle water while i try my limit. close to 6 am leaving time.. "arranged" to send princess home by the rest. so conincidental huh..

zoom zoom. lie down sleep. what more you all want to know ne?

mummy we will all miss you. ( and dont give me another chance before i peck ur cheek haha..later dirty. and your new daughter too miss you . she cute right?)

tadah.. so sad la.. off focus.. mummy and me (hello..) after IP lesson at Furama hotel.. (psst mummy i just realise you taller than i always thought.. hmm.) 

-wishlist-

建设目标！

Optimistic wishlist to achieve by end of the year!

1- Canon 350D or newer DSLR Camera. range $1999-$2500
2- Hit BEM by 31st December 2006!
3- At least 3 more long sleeve formal wear.
4- 1 pair of shoes/sneakers and 1 pair slippers (U SAY U WANT BUY FOR ME ! (,")("<) )
5- Boxers! 3 ?
6- Diamond earrings. u choose. (cause i promised U for August 3rd)
7- For mummy to settle all her 牵挂 and 鸟事 and fly to Guilin to enjoy without worries!
8 - that U be happy and carefree and letting go all the things u wanna forget.
9 -and that me too will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
10 - and if everythings doesnt turn out well let 2006 be the Armageddon as predicted by the Bible Code =DDD :PPPP

in no particular order!! haha the last one was tongue in cheek la.. ok start praying ohm...
(dinner time..nobody packet for me..)

-the week ends..and begins..the last week-

so it has come. the last 7 days.
Sunday.marilyn birthday wor..1030am met mummy at Outram.. thoguht she be early wait for me but haha overslept. she turn hp silent also monring call didnt wake her up early enough.. lol. poor mummy. bloodshot eyes shouldnt have worn contacts le.. nvm la huh my mummy wont be ugly de.. >_< (swear!)

ah ling JGT again. then we all wait for all to arrive then go to Furama. IP seminar 超级成功秘诀！ the thing is i can invvite outside people to come but all didnt want give face. why ne.. its not often such things happen. and sits worth the time la. people travel from penang for this leh.. how long journey sia!

felt quite weak. maybe still not enough energy replaced since friday. felt faint.. and took panadol. hungry.cold. hai. but its worth it. i wouldnt want miss it. and alot people miss me there leh.. so heart-warming (lol buay hiao bai) then all ask how i am le..very impressed that i still make time to go.. hee. see. its important. not waste of time or money.

at night everyone going off feel bad cannot give my counselling to TS. feeling not so well and cant rememeber what i want to say.. bopian. another day lor. you all so tired le also. bought IP's book and rush give IP sign for mummy bring to Guilin. i bought the last copy leh! then got IP to take photo with mummy. seeing them all rever him so much.. makes me wonder how many people will remember me for what i have done for them throughout my life. as long i helped them in anyway. have i create value in them? then i can leave in peace. :)

whole bunch went Chinatown eat frogleg porridge. we pass by before. but we never sit down eat before de. u know?
but i cannot eat. i eat others. they all eat alot seafood and fried things with the porridge. boo.. so gian ..

1 by 1 go home.
i pei mummy walk with lingz n her bf.. thought they mentioned "ghost game" . midnight. diao! i just ask U not to go watch on Saturday de.. walk walk tag along cathay PS or cine? finally on bus to cine we sit different sides.. we browse the photos..then aiyo.. ling quarrel again. so fast de meh.. (am i silently glad that we never quarrel like that?) but once we alight things got heated up. i heard words that i used to say. and behaviour i have come to realise what the other party will think. its funny (for me) cause i see it from both sides now. mummy go one side with lingz i go one side with her bf.. aiya.. one person give in abit. cause we knw her temper le. in the end.. never go any movie. one person cry. one silently weeping. mumy and i so awkward to have followed. but ok la.. if we didnt go along..who knows what will happen..

must there be conflict beofre people realise what they dont bear to lose? last i heard they shoould be ok le. he took another cab and went lingz house downstairs and look from afar..to make sure. then mummy also talk to lingz le. well. good deed of the day ba. 高五！高五！

another monday going to pass. mummy have you thought how to reply THAT sms? 可怜的 mummy.. so few days left yet so many 鸟事 suddenly.. (and your that friend you sms ? likes you la. aiyo. must spell out for you..haha..) going to have people come to view the house. U didnt come visit me.. :( no la.. dunno why the old man at home. doink. be gone!

-note to self. try not to be a guy in the next life. if im cant be me again. cause i dont wanna be like the many guys outside who dont give guys a better reputation. and 2nd note to self. dont ever blog in singlish/broken english again. except header and footer. hee-

-Op.post Op-

thursday night 24august.
travelling home thinking was going to go coy or not.. then mummy suddenly called. wah. godsent message! mummy and xiao mei go haircut.. so i have time go back put stuff and cahnge out of formal. feel abit bad that i left people at coy who may have been waiting for me. >_<>

felt very perturbed for the few days but.. i dont think anyone can talk to.. all having exams etc. so distract myself ba.. lao da went xiao mei house too.. play awhile. can say i left a very bad memory ba. cause of mum's calls and my responses. i feel so useless. asking both of us to go die since so xin ku. i even mumbled that the next day operation i can just dont tell them and let infection set in.. but mummy understands.. they also dont want me to say these inauspicious stuff. can i help it? i dont know. at least not now yet.

LAO DA promise buy me a money clip wallet once i hit USD500 CF!
heh heh..

i kept my promise.i reach home before 4am k. sleep...
11am 25august. reach Alexandra. thought have to hospitalise. chey.. didnt last as long. put me on one bed for fun only.. injections x8. "a little pain just a little injection" the doctor said. but no... 8! i felt 8 pokes la.. wa.. bear with it only.. then felt them scraping poking and cold liquids. "dug" out the little red clump and show me. well see whats the results ba.. 15 days MC. what can i do.. alone at home? i will go mad. very gao wei. the bandage. making sitting down or bending difficult.

day 2 of MC and i already going crazy. feeling fever. sometimes weak. now abit dry cough. U tell me dont drink cold drinks. but u never reply fast enough i drink the pearl milk tea le.. oops

-Taka jewellery diamond earrings? okay. we go take a look k? even though i didnt hit BAM but.. a promise to u is a promise-

solving my problems bit by bit. of course somethings have to involved money. but thats the least of the concerns.

-想对你的告白，无从下手.
只怕如果说出口,不想看见你那无奈,
慌张,
不知所措,
不知道该怎么样应付的表情.-

ahh.. how? wait again?

(u went haircut today. so long never see u...so what movie u and ur guy friend u met late went to? hope its not something i want to watch. if not..means i cant watch le. diao. whats my point..)

mummy..i dont want to be 笨笨得了. must grow. must improve. but must make you all laugh. naturally.
8 days to go.. >_<"

-shoutout-

yesterday RSS 2IC overnight duty. the kitty keep looking for me when i on hsift. keep meowing. i cant do much but just look and talk to it. cats like me.. why ne? was quite smooth. except rifle drills were rusty. why do i always feel shameful..u say dont waste sms.. but whats the point if i cant even talk to u via sms? we ahrdly call or meet now.. why?

7am i woke up by bird calls. didnt know my body alarm clock is so good. then prepare to hand over and go shower and change to go Chevrons for performance. explored Q's new MacBook, saw his happy photos with Amanda. well she even called him from Shanghai in transit. and stupid Fatty G had to intercept and waste time. fucker. dont get on the nerves of people with your stupid brand of humour.. wasted alot of time waiting aimlessly. then beat someone using Evo with a stock AE86. hee. bowling became rusty. trying to save money didnt play much. didnt eat much waited for dinner. cant wait to train bowling again. went dress up style hair for the arrival of VIPs.. then performed for all of them..very impressed.. then hang around for the dinner and events
saw the stupid Fatty G bring gf there. did we say can do that? did anyone say its allowed for outsiders?
but im just more concerned. deep inside. that.. 'Fuck' what is this a show off? we all know already. but its just more that is fueled by my own hollow. my emptiness. my need.. need? i never 'needed' .. how can i say that. but what is it that i feel? jealous? or missing the past? i just wish someone can come to my side and see my proud moments. but no. i type in the number and press cancel. cause i know i never lived in a fairytale. what can i wish for? i only want to wish that i can return to a happy home. nothing changes. nothing crops up. and someone to share my weal and woe. someone even to argue with, but that i know will never fight with. im still waiting.

and the tears that drop in the shower. i dont know why. the empty mind brings tears? thats unfair.. no?

im a jealous malcontent. im dangerous. that is why people fear me. that is also why i dont want people to really know me. because i am scared of the feeling of losing friends. best pals going to the enemy side. emptiness setting in.

-i empty can u help me? im distant can u bridge me? i dont have a direction can u find me?-

cuz i return to a house where things dont work and the people dont know and..everything just gets on my nerves. thats why too that i want to work so hard. to lead my own life. with people i want to serve and feed.

please come.
I miss U. please..i wanna know. dont drift away

-dont wan to see it all-

sitting at the back of the living room area
aimlessly staring at the direction of the tv

thought you have alternative ENTERTAINMENT OUTSIDE?
why choose to take up space at home today for one whole day?
why did you bring me to earth but only gave me this broken hole to hide
so many inconveniences that i shouldnt have to go through
im only fugging 20 years old but im thinking like im 50!

now i have to stand your nonsense shit at home. HOME
which has nothing to do with you. cause you did nothing.
only.
inconvenience.
our lives.
and making me die so much faster.
you even make me lose faith in myself to be a good guy, bf and husband.
how you want me to be proud to have your surname?
even relating to you irks me. makes me drop my head.
so dont stay in that corner and look pitiful.
i have give n you enough pitiful points.
no more.
fug off.
forever.
just let me live whatever isleft of my life happily.

let it all come to a closure soon.
if not i will never want to come home.
balik rumah.

HOME is not a roof and four walls.
so i only RETURN TO A FLAT> NOT HOME.

and no no no i didnt say you dont have your faults ma'am. you who carried me for 9 months. its just that i can see who suffered. but i wont go onto it..

i am not vengeful. i just want a piece of what im worth.

-wasted day-

ah..by the time u all read this.. sheffield utd should have beaten liverpool. wahaha! LOOOSERS.. see what did i tell you? dont give me that stupid face "I confirm liverpool win 2-0 one guarantee!".. lan pa la... i at most give you 1-1.. konek di atas kepala deh! its not the first time i giving you advice when you ask. just choose not to listen. chey.

now why did i start off with that? hmm

yup. this week i attained silver for IPPT again! at least maintained.. running also faster already :) $100 extra.. can buy shirt.. or sandals.. hmm.. walao so little.. oh ya but the week was damn haunting. theres this dream that struck me so bad in the morning. even have to interrupt 45 mins nap before start work. i was given this black suit that will camouflage myself at night.. then i realise it can help me float and "fly". thats why i saw U. so i ran / fly over only to see u in another guy's arm and sitting on him. god. i just stare. its disgusting! who the ... was that? why would u choose somebody like that? neither good looking nor charming rich nor good nor.. urgh.. but i was tearing myself up.. cause i went over to punch him. i really beat him up. then i realise i was DAYDREAMING in my own DREAM. so i didnt punch him up. but i woke up my whole body was very hot. its scary. im sweating like mad even though the window is open and fans are on.

mummy ask me dont think. if i think too much about it it may just become part of your sub-conscious. then i suddenly remembered. oh ya true.. the more vivid it is in your mind, it probably will just happen. just like what i dreamt before. so i let it drift. but actually havent been thinking much about u leh so why..

LOL. friday was at Labrador park.. can see sentosa.. then sms U.. dont know why no reply until the night... at office submit my booklet and fill in my placement. we all graduate from EDT le! but still a bit stressed cause i wanted to be champion. now dont even know any one of the 5 of us inside top 10. sigh. hope...
then mum throw spanner suddenly appear when i ask 4 aunt to go only.. what stupid reason man.. dont think i dunno. then mummy later ask me my mum there is it than i say ya.. they couldnt tell la.. then went Minz house play mahjong. got beginner's luck leh haha.. win a little bit la but still dunno how to play exactly. but i was very sleepy couldnt absorb the rules. just play simple lor.. then mummy gastric i heart pain. like i offer help she also agitated. thats also why i dont ever dare to really care for any other girl anymore le. so many times.. that i try to feel and understand.. i get black face or angry tone. i know sometimes it cannot be helped. but i feel very upset by such reactions. perhaps its a sign ba. mummy eat regularly k.. play until 430 lidat.. i dunno i gong le.. sleep..around 6am.. think U called..but my hp low batt i didnt see it turn off.... but u sick+exam i guess.. u wont want go out so.. hai nvm lor :p

saturday night le.. my so-called holiday from office going to end. tml will be going for graduation ceremony.. which i will have nobody going with me. LL lor..

-i feel. therefore i am. i do, because i feel right. people can think that its all in vain. but i dont see it that way anymore. as long as i did what i could..im happy .. i guess. dont ask for anything in return. oh ya.. guess i really going TP. thats what i planned out for now.. so..will be overseas Uni.. i make people laugh, no matter how stupid i have to become. cause laughter is a joy. i want it to be in everyone. cause i seldom laugh. or smile. from the bottom of my heart. i feel..its my mission.. to bring smiles to peoples' faces. so.. people can criticise me la its ok but.. nothings gonna stop me ba.. no longer will i take what others view me as what i should change le.. i hope? (",)-

last week of exams for U. jiayou! and then can relax .. meanwhile.. i go and think about what my operation will be like.. i guess im a little scared.. >_<

-disappearing act-

using ben's laptop to entry..tadah today book out.so dumb right. monday is usually my quiet time in camp regardless of who stays in.. but no entertainment so bopian.. at Von's house mummy "close" me to come down sia.. just need a few sentences can already.. >_<

want eat pizza.. dunno will happen or not..

actually yesterday bought my SP le.. but come to think of it did i make it for my graduation? was it really my motive? i still cant really say but i felt that it was the right time to buy in too.. so i didnt really "create the chance" and turn the tide.. but i didnt say i stop fighting mummy i really didnt. so dont worry. till friday we will still see us there and xiao mei yay today see you like that so chirpy alright la should remain like this k? (",)

i think alot of people starting exam week le.. including u. so jiayou yup? can dont reply my sms i know usually i send out dont expect u to reply de.. anything else is a bonus

oh..ms cindy say me and mummy very alike. lol.. then i saw "my fav manager's " face ..wahaha


wednesday IPPT le.. must pia for my best timing. CHALLENGE!

-ending of fireworks. at least i saw something.. pretty sight- 

-last day of fireworks. staring from on top of company. 12august2006- 

-Fullerton from Singapore River, taken while staring blindly away as Meiz and friends taking photo- 

-moon.. star less sky. 9 august 2006- 

-sianhalf-

i dont want excuses i want real hard work and results i deserve. thats why i dont see i have lost or anything. people are rich. but i can work harder. and work harder now to be sufficient for future. our future. so people can say anything to me now. i must persevere. its not just EDT its for a lifetime.

yesterday did my first grouping and teaching values to them! yay.. feel like papa liao.. but gotta brush up the confidence more so.. and find the right materials and expression to them. so far not bad.

today walk to Raffles.. sightsee leisure walk while me and mummy's babies go 2nd EDT. sending them off to "primary" one..haha.. i like the feeling of responsibility.. i will make it better. eat Ben and Jerry's first time! ah ha Mix N' Match. yum.. at night the last fireworks. wowee.. too bad. thought u called will want to go somewhere. i also dunno how to ask u. study? or go where? or relax for exam. i dunno. maybe u spending time with friends all then dont need find me. but mummy can tell.. my face cahnge. i must have personal mastery. or i rather hide..

mummy has the confidence and ability to carry off the Forever 21 dress.. why dont want to buy.. haiz.. ARGH!

-National Day-

rich guy. love girl. girl seems to hint. went out stay overnight together shop tour etc. haiz. but just another one who want to tok his money. why so slave to her? luckily we found out. boss. dont like that. dont say it that way. and dont shoot me. haa. man's biggest weakness.

big partnership starting. accumulating funds to reap in the first phase returns. finally see some big projects i can be proud of to be involved. now to help people who want to get a headstart in life. cause its sad when people choose to be ignorant and self sufficient... why dont they see it?

so was supposed to go after lesson. at least try to see the fireworks. but strangely i didnt hear a thing or completely missed it. thx meiz last minute drag me back from my way home.. meet my juniors "picnic" and walk around do stupid things. mei say she went MoS before.. stunned.. grow up le.. next time then bring u go k.. god knows how you went.. some teenager party i guess. soon la hor.. less than a year..

like an outsider while they mingled and laugh and take photos. talk abit here and there. on the way back crowded train meiz sms me "dun look so sad lehh".. lol. so close only must sms ah? i not sad la. just that. well. the one free day gone le. didnt happen like i thought. so..hmm.. wan an to all.. zz.. 5 am wake up

-im in cruise control. thats what i like to think i am. meiz dont worry about my troubles. i dont hang them around. i am not chasing it. take a break. happy study week to you ya! (lol u dont even read my blog haha)-

-wah..the agony-

august 3rd has come and gone. i didnt become a manager. do u think i forgot my promise to u? i have not.
dora and ling's birthday. we made a video for them. they cried. blow candles.two to three to four to five to six including me. im a "sister". then they fought cake. strawberry. run about. past 12. nobody cares to go home. i can only shudder. damn. next day going camp. even though half-day going alexandra for appointment. and the sheer agony and frustration not able to join the whole bunch of them go clubbing. dui.. so dui.. sibeh dui.. thats why i was so moody the whole day. sorry xiao mei sorry mummy i lidat. but mummy today very pretty wor. and seeing dora go club first time. enjoy yourself xiao mei! too bad. i took my own cab home.

i dont like the look on his face. and i dont like him trying to arrow my response. and that i couldnt go gai gai with xiao mei during "free time". but ..ok then forget it. theres time for everything..

thursday. half day. nua slack in morning. feel bad. cause not enough sleep. throw work to people. then go half day got ride. appointment for operation. thought xiao mei and mummy all going ice skate. then suddenly change. wah sian. thought finally get to go. then found how to go xiao mei house 961 find them sleeping diao.. too tired la. return mummy her laptop and talk to them loh.. haiz its strange people can be so difficult even when grow up together..all the differences now and even politics. but at least i know better now. i will always be there for xiao mei to help her grow up, and help mummy ,also take care u 2 together. xiao mei family go orchard makan. me and mummy take bus go home. wah they make me crave la.. sushi pizza. haiz. too bad i blew my pay plus negative le. so fast this month why ah.. never go shopping also..

feel bad leave KJ TS there alone at coy. although bridge them to mr steven and mr ben. but felt i could do more. and mummy didnt go "support" Emmanuel and his mother. but im sure ms yvonne did well. PP secured! :)

friday. volleyball. stuck in tree. lol. i was "used" because tallest bo pian. sigh got alot prop to do.. haven get started. wait... at coy thanks to mr calvin. max is one with us. i will take care of u all i swear. because you all made the right first step. Carl's Jr Portobello is good hee. wah so greedy.. past 12. sorry that i woke u up? thought u stll waiting go party world. i didnt expect it. so.. sorry too..

saturday. skip lunch. eat 2 buns. met ling and wait for mummy at JE. then late to meet Max at coy. confirm kena suan and "scold" but hope Max didnt mind. starting to get stressed. i want to graduate. to be top. to be a legend. a hero to change history. start learning to teach. and lead. and not fear. im a good listener ah. thats why i stay stay stay. abit bad to my guys. also dont like other chap ji ka.. oops know who? haa.. then pei mummy want go Brewerks drinking. didnt go in the end cause mummy down i also passive wah.. infectious. but when Makansutra eat satay fried rice bbq wings. yay nice. mummy ask me dont buy the beer not worth it. then talk alot of things la. mmmy will fly off in one month. we all gonna miss her. and she got alot of things must settle first. supposed to go clarke quay drink but..in the end didnt. mummy tired la. i dont mind de.. mr alexx please got alot people want you to be well so please dont do stupid things k?

174M reach home 410 like that. skip my NR wait for bus were mummy and i can take together. then drop at BB then i took home. overshot one stop cause i want see the route. lucky we both got home to sleep quite early. heh. 930 morning call. prove to "my fav manager" we can be there. heh! SDM 1130.

YaWnzZzzzZzz

-heard that mr alexx's target is apparently just using him cause he is quite successful now and rich.. abit like leeching his money. we all advise him of course. he sees it too. but we all know how love can make us do things.. so.. yup he knows ba. slowly.. maybe he will do the right thing. if not we all under him also do wrong? haha guys ma.. i know whats right la.. i guess. what i want. of course if i really become
that way i should know what to do..-

mummy sleep le wor. mr alexx take care too dont want you to go hospital..

i wonder. around evening. where were u? meeting what friends gai gai? oh.. is it the guy to watch 'Click' cause is weekend.. u said..i think. saw the flashes in the sky. glimpses of the fireworks. just wondering. could u see it? it would be nice. if i could see it with u. but. just a passing thought. maybe NDP. but. wonder if u saw it. its beautiful. wish u well.