is me with Rus' dog Snowy. long overdue photos.. since new year! groan.. always licking me. everywhere! 

watcha lookin' at? the subjects not me. its Snowy! 

-我的二十岁生日-

谁
还记得
是谁
先说
永远
的爱我？

monday
was my 20th birthday. celebrate with a lonesome dinner. in my cap my jersey at pastamania. pizza and pasta. got a sms from Shai. at 1130 (phew!) got Estella's sms that she didnt forget my birthday. gee thx to you two. but my platoon only a few knew. but sorry no presnts. not something unexpected. i could have taken leave from work. guess i didnt see the need to. i knew i wont be going anywhere. so just slept around 12...

didnt realise that 3 people didnt wish me anything. thats what disappoints me most.

ahh the monotony of work. how long do i have to do this still? though noble, its getting boring..
hmm and sent out the prepared stuff. its always on my birthday that i prepare this sorta stuff for u.
and the week passed great. though i did know i kept my hp off for a number of reasons.

im fine the way i m now. though i could ask for more. like my france jersey wish. they didnt pick me. they pick some baby-g watch for some other female soldier. sheesh..

(hey girls out there.. i lower my expectations! last i said i will just marry you if you buy me a Skyline R-34! now i will just about marry any girl who would buy me a Trueno AE86.. i must be sick. or mad. or both. i love the car. cars. cars. cars. 4 wheels. vehicles. rah rah rah..)

i dont feel like im faking it. its genuine. maybe i was born to be with cars. so that girl on the 169 please stop touching my back. its not that squeezy.

Sunday.
play soccer at the same big park opposite the Taman old coffeeshop/market that was torn down. i headed the ball so hard my specs flew. luckily it was an old pair. but i felt so stinging pain. then i touch my head. got blood. then i realise.. haha i broke a pimple... GEE! lol. then another direct ball hit my face. but that didnt hurt at all. how strange.. i must be immune to pain le. HIt me with what you have guys! haa

you got my present. wheres mine? at least you got it. not lost somewhere.
and if u wanna go places i said not to. well. so be it. but i will do everything i can,bar physically, to prevent it. i have promises to keep. you dont want your own safety please tell me. have fun at Sentosa.
hmm maybe 28th i should have taken leave after all. but. whatever.

[last sat went Alexandra. heard the doctor say my tumour was benign. benign? maybe he didnt know the other word was malignant. haha. it looks weird. and its growing for years le. maybe somethings take time to come to. oh well. when ones gotta go ones gotta go. u cant stop it.]

be well all! even if we didnt talk much. im disconnected with the world at large. and chelsea.. watch out next year. things will come down on you hard! Arsenal goes to Paris..

-是什么作祟为什么会流泪 原来是心痛不断责备 我该懂得体谅和后退-

i will take it as i lost my muse. maybe one day i will find another one. but at this moment, 7 days gone, i made a pact with God. you take my muse away , i wont let you take my mood away. so i will not be sad i wont cry i wont wallow. even though im lonely i live my days as my own.

Sandy meiz first week of school! is too bad she say her class very sian de.. hmm. must learn to cope with boring people ah! and later i will have to let you tutor me about comms and media le.. i become junior.. :(

instructors can see that i dont sleep well. every night at least wake up twice. haiz. my runs also becoming slower..
how many weeks of stay out le. and still i am the only one who stay in camp. why? nobody asks me out no programs nothing. want me to go home everyday? let me have something to look forward to everyday, then i will book out and go find the person/thing/whatever... Boredom MAX!

cry so painfully.still shocked awake from dreams. will there be anything that will make U miss of me? i just want to know. maybe i have such an impact. at least i have been a bit significant. but i know all this will go unanswered too. but i sure hope to know. please.

-cause the impact of love is measured by the crater it left behind-

did U read my last entry? hmm think i thought too much. your sim locked i didnt know thought you dont want reply my zouk invite. now you unlock le ok lor good then others can contact you. wonder how you lived those days without the hp. no lovey dovey calls and sms bah? lol..

i exploded on friday though. sigh. all the victims got thrown things by me. but seriously dont push your luck. doesnt mean i dont beat people up you all can treat my place as a dumping ground k? things dont belong to you dont take, put it back at common area, not JUST THROW AT MY BED AS IF NOTHING K?

(vulgarity)... your parents never teach? want me teach? basic principles k stupid kids.. do unto others what you want others to do unto you. not just leave your problems with others and expect them to be solved. PUI...

heard U going learn bike. jiayou ba. i can see him being so influential in your life. go for it. for u trust him more in the 1 plus year more then our 3 hard years. i applaud him really. he is special. i just dont hope this is just a fling for him to forget his past. like the way u asked me before "will you take revenge on me?"

can i have a birthday wishlist?
a shoulder to lean on, ears to listen to, a heart to link with, a brain that connects like my own.
(haha.. all this add up to 1 LOVE only wor...)
A Canon 350D camera
A McLaren SLR / Nissan Skyline Gt-R 34

... okay okay i know nobody prints money here..
i just hope to get a little something on my day thats all.

HEY WORLD I CAN STAY OUT im free! SO ANYONE CAN COME GET ME OUT FOR A SIMPLE MEAL AND TALKING SESSION ON MONDAY?

all i ask for ..for my 20th birthday...

-你在哪里？-

你失踪已经一个星期了。
is this another of your "let me forget you" tactics? no sms no reply call what so ever..
ZJ told me when one day i will suddenly think of you out of the blue after a long period of time i didnt recall anything about you, that will be the time i really have forgotten you. but so far it seems only happened on one occasion. this week when i was moving alot of stuff in and out and quarrelling with people who just stand around and look and after that went for a moody run around the camp. too many things on my mind? but that one day i think i didnt.

will that change anything i think not. and i been fighting with myself. since i know your blog why dont i read? if i read i may be wrong too. but if i dont read i must be dumb right? but when you go missing or uncontactable i used to go thru your friends call your home etc to find you. but i only get scolding from you. "why have to go thru friends to get me? you think i will go missing or kidnapped?" i take it as i dont know how to read you. i just know i want you to be safe and healthy and happy. maybe the way i show care is not the way people realise.

"leave me alone i wanna scream"

want me to forget you so be it. i dont blame you. i never blamed you anything. i already said it is a challenge to love you and i am willing to take it all the way. Be it my looks my character my mum and dad my health or my financial situation, i have lost ultimately, not to Weijie whom you say is the only person who can sway you, but by someone who.. shant say anything, lest you hate me even more. hes the perfect one after all. not many guys can take that from their gf. but when you say it to me when you were still with me i am more determined to prove you wrong. guess i still failed. he gives something i cant give you, i dont know. i may forget you yes, but neither will i give my heart to another again.

meiz i know if you see this you will scold me. but no..

在你离开之后的天空
我像风筝寻一个梦
hai. can only use what others wrote..
我静静的望着天空
试着寻找失落的感动
只能用笑容
期待着雨过天晴的彩虹
one day i will write my own lyrics and play my own song.

and i only hope you all dont hate me for anything. yes EVERYONE of you whom i know or knew.
for im down and out, i dont need you all to step on me.
i need a hug. i really could do with some love right now. i cant take all this for so long..

but i wont ask for too many favours from anyone. i know i dont deserve this.

失去了你的拥抱
寂寞在一旁嘲笑
他笑我无处可逃
我变的好渺小

hows this for a start? ->
我向夜空祈祷
我向星星祈求要你的微笑
我向月亮 showoff拥有你的好
我向云朵祈祷
让微风吹走你所有的烦恼
不管别人的言语
你在这世上最重要
而我只希望你最终是开心的

-you still want DKNY DELICIOUS for female? tell me. but just to let you know if you see this. i regret never telling you this: that i never hoped you would buy any perfume or fragrance. cause that will take away the smell that is truly you. the smell that lingers in my heart. but anyway if you still want i dont mind.-

-让懂你的人爱你？-

ugly humans? or just ugly males? its going to be tim's birthday on monday and we went zouk to kinda celebrate for him. and what i see were scenes i dont wish to see people around me commit. are guys really that sick? just as long as its a girl they have to get close and dance? and touch? hands on shoulders on waist on back. malay indian chinese ugly pretty average. Ray and Tim. sigh.. am i really abnormal not to be in this mould like them?

i guess behaving myself during clubbing seems like im not sporting enough? but i really dont see why it should be this way. ZJ "danced" with a girl i think. but didnt do anything ah.. that is still acceptable no?

its very packed. Johnnie Walker bottles $166. vodka baileys bourbon. too bad i didnt eat enough before i went in. all the liquor made my stomach a bit gastric. JD was there to whack QH..lol..well at least i brought QH JH TCK JW along. and my jie Cindy. haha. you couldnt drink alot too! but since you have a driver i think its okay.. next time will challenge ..hee

what i couldnt give to you before, i think i can now.
only think is i dont understand. flirts and people who dont commit, live happier than i do.
and seeing how some of the attached guys behave i will really hate myself if i ever hear such things happen to the one i love.

SoRrY
for too much waiting time at THAT time
for the stupid things i said and the things i should have done
for ever letting you go
for taking you for granted in some ways
'Cuz i have never given up ever.

ZJ asked me this question " do you still really LOVE her or are you just missing the feeling and times you two shared."
i was stunned.
then i realised i was both.. so am i hurting myself.

meimei.. start orientation le.. all the best and do everyone proud even if you didnt get tourism. mass comms next time you can teach me too. lol. and thx for talking to me, but next time use her name k? dont say "you and your girlfriend how le?" cause shes not mine anymore k? stay cheerful and healthy wor..

" i remember .. when you tied two ponytails to BP then.. was it for me? i guess i just want to relive that bit of feeling once a while. maybe i will be happy like my officer advised. and when we share hi-chew apple sweets.-

-arent we so much alike? so much so that we are hard to come by?-

最后我们分开了
虽然还是朋友
但做回朋友的情人
想摆脱关系不太容易

寂寞变成了习惯
习惯靠着孤单
想念该遗忘
不该在身旁
陪着我的每个夜晚

我只想
对着天空轻轻的呼吸
寻找我最爱的人到底在哪里
在慌乱中
翻箱倒柜寻找记忆

有一种
爱它曾经住在我心里
陪伴我熬过多少个无声哭泣
不懂爱情
我的心如此无力


其实我很清醒~
其实我很冷静~
看着眼泪滴落在我手心。。。

我只想
对着天空轻轻的呼吸
寻找我最爱的人到底在哪里
在慌乱中
翻箱倒柜寻找记忆 oh~

有一种
爱它曾经住在我心里
陪伴我熬过多少个无声哭泣
不懂爱情
我的心如此无力

最后我们分开了
虽然还是朋友。。。Kelly's 爱,无力

我努力的仰着脸孔
试着眼泪不往下流别往下流
不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同
很不相同
想要说
却还沉默
伸出手
无法触碰
天空突然一片辽阔
原来你是真的已经离开我
在我不熟悉的世界过新的生活
闭上眼让泪水滑落
此刻你已真的永远离开我
在另外一个没有我的世界
自由的走 - Angela's 真的. (mtv is by the side.can click and watch)

listen my song. i listen your song. i wonder what you meant to me.

sorry cindy jiez. sorry quen. have to listen to my depression-driven rants. esp quen. have to face me morning like a zombie. sorry if you ever felt like giving up on me. but hope you dont mind k? i wont forget what you all advise to me..

(there was this time my mates mentioned how you hold a girls hand. then i realised how we hold hand i give in to u. also if we kiss i had to wait till when u want. and the way we hold hand, they say is like u are leading me all the time. loving isnt really much more easier if one gives in all the time. but dont worry i didnt mind a single thing about that. neither do i care what symbolism..who cares. now if only i got someones hands to hold..)

sleepy.. today rain and wind so strong. were u scared?

came across this link. seems like a scientific explanation to occurences of love. click HERE.
apparently only after a minimum 11 months can you really realise is the one really suitable for you or who could really give you what you want. or at least you can tell he tries hard not to let you worry.

hmm how much would i pay to maintain this sign? im just speaking my mind. i wont pressure anything. just wondering what you meant by the song[爱，无力]. meaning you are still searching for the True one? be happy k, which ever way is best for you

meow. lol. nice or not? 

-a story of a boy called wei wei-

-" 'where are you? can i meet you? i need you here.' and i put off my stuff i rushed out of the block. the doors are closed and locked. i climbed down the stairs and slid down the water pipe on the wall. i jumped onto the playground and i ran. i realised i dunno the place. i asked for directions to the interchange. then i ran all the way while panicking and praying that you will be alright. hoping i can reach in time. i reached the interchange. it was so foreign i felt so stupid hat i cant find the bus. i called you to calm you down and im 'flying' over already. but the bus terminal for the bus was never to be found. i keep running. i keep looking around. i couldnt find anyone to ask i fear for your safety. i m scared that you cannot handle what you were facing....

and then i woke up, tears streaming down my cheeks. without control. have you ever wished that you can finish all your dreams?- wednesday 5 march

i remember i matured quite early for my age. when i was 3 or 4 i remembered at nights when i woke up in the middle of the night i heard noises and saw the light in the other bedroom. rubbing my eyes and clutching my bolster i would crawl or walk over to the bedroom and sit against the door, hearing the quarrels and fighting sounds. then i would lightly paw the door and say softly "爸爸妈咪。。不要打架。。不要打架。"so softly dont want them to hear. but hoping they will stop. i was scared yes. i sit against the door and closed my ears and eyes. yes i cried a few times. and cried myself to fall asleep at the door. sometimes i wake up back in my bed. but not everytime. but i was thinking already. papa and mama got married and got me. is because they love each other then they got married. so why will they quarrel and fight? i started at such a young age learning what i want, that i never want to be like my unhappy parents, that to never had to fight between me and my future wife. seeing them so bitter over the years, i thought at least i would be able to know what women really want and what they deserve. i thought i knew how to love. even though i had my first crush at like primary 2. it lasted till secondary 2 and i could never do anything. i never was confident of myself. then came the forgettable girl from some other school and np unit (why should i bother saying). oh ya.. i dunno whether KC counted or not. cause we didnt really dated.. i guess. just that she calls me "darling deary" doesnt mean anything right? must ask Glory. where is she now anyways.. and then my first and only meaningful relationship. till now... guess i dont know nothing yet.

i guess i was sorry just now for not telling the complete truth. but i didnt make up the story. i really was supposed to go on the flight . but it got cancelled. i wanted to see you. i dont want to feel "pang seh" again when we supposed to meet. i should have waited for you with the bubble tea. but i waited and hope you will be around when you going home. thx for coming. even though you may be angry still.
and you say no need eat cause you ate at his place. and you showed me your pretty neoprint. and rejected my chalet for you. and say no need for me to send you back. i guess im slow and dumb. and by the time i ran after you to the taxi stand my hp flew out of my hand and broke into 3. and i nearly smashed into the stupid glass door that wont open. i ran around the coffee bean only to see the long queue of taxis. then i realised you were gone on the way home. i have to stop feeling like this. our lives are not a tv drama serial.

while doing my face mum asked if i felt painful. i said " what pain ? i felt so much more other types of pain this is nothing." yes strangely this year plus i have felt more pain then i ever had in my entire life. needles. blood. knocks. bruises. heart. and emotional ones. i feel like i have aged so much. and expereinced so much. like my instructor "who has seen it all". i nearly blurted out when she asked me what pain. when will i ever tell her. i am so ashamed.. (also..hmm..that he can bring you home so many times while i could never bring myself to do it. and when i finally finished my masterpiece of a plan for everyone to see you werent there any more) that i wept while she is there. she wiped my tears away, thinking its from the pain. i wish i can scream it all out. and press the RESET button.

dont know what JH, Richard and QH will say when they saw me fly towards the taxi stand. maybe they wont understand too. think they never saw hp fly before too.

you are away.. but i think u sleep le.. its 4am.. morning.. sleep ba..

-april 2nd-

my officer said :whats the point of marriage when you got the word divorce.
i guess he has seen it all. its alright for him to say that. anyway he is feeling more understanding talking to her when they are not "married" status now. he had a sad upbringing. i pity him. but he is strong. but he doesnt let it brood him. he does his job and pursues his passion. and his kids.

i guess its sad. ya im not really looking at marriage in my usual way le. but, i dunno. i would still love it. but will i have a chance. its not really up to me le. its up to 2 people. but lets leave this to .. 5 years down the road?

today you must have slept very late. wonder where were you. kbox till 5 am? i get no answer when i waiting at jp. 10 to 12. i just stupidly wait there. in hoping to see you. be it answer my sms or going to his house. i was thinking. and going crazy. should i wait there? or wait lakeside? or send to your house? your milk tea. i cant be at 3 places at a time. i went home at 12. dunno if you got to drink today. so where were you? at the temple? or at his house? i dunno. i having crazy thoughts. why hp off. why. i wont know cause i dont have a need to know [you would say that].

-im a small boy drowning in the big world of questions and uncertainty.-

do tell. i wish you would. and i hope my stupid thoughts aren't real. please. tc

-我排着队拿着爱的号码牌-

begun the week so bad i didnt even talk to anyone. dont even dare to on my hp. i didnt cry. all that has dried.

dreams break down 1 by 1 and i have to hope for better dreams to come around.
4 dreams of you in 14 days already what do they mean.
lost you in a sea of toys. will we meet back one day like in the tv serials, in the rain, among the crowd,when we need help and all alone, when we are both single and ready to accept each other again?

u remember the time when we met YS and i talk to him how to save fuel on his car. the way u looked at me and respond when i advise him. u laughed at me didnt u? yes i admit i dont have a car and i dont have licence yet. but why put me down im not boasting i m sharing cause i really tried. why am i always no better then anyone u know.

meiz. up in the heavens. spare me some luck and kindness with your powers can? though we never met but i know you exist. i pray for you. u pray for me too can? i miss you. maybe u will understand what i thinking now. your "sister -in -law" ..

suddenly. the thought of the time u sprang into the toile looking for me when im at your house. yes when u keep knocking and i say i shit and going out soon. u just couldnt wait and open the door while i paiseh. i guess thats a nice memory of how close we were.

ah.. i read about the shuai ge u say in HOME RUN. well apparently he is like me: just speak without caring what others think. and very moody. but not fake at all. just say what he feels. but u know the difference? he more shuai . at least to u. and so i think shuai people get more in life. cause people still adore him. want his number. be his gf kinda stuff. and he is famous. hmm. thats why uglies will never stand a chance. aka ME.

i do remember once. when we were in bed.u were like trying to do something different. while i closed my eyes you kept yours wide open. and i felt weird i open and stare at you. kissing with eyes open. well you got shy first.
or do you recall the time when i pick you up from your school and went to your house and you signal to me to the kitchen table top....

i dunno. all this came flushing in my mind on thursday. when i call you and talk to you in a cute voice all the while. you must have thought i was really drunk? but i cleared my mind. empty. no bad feelings. and these pop up. beer good for brain sometimes? makes you think clearer? but im not addicted. tiger beer still tastes weird.

is a little alcohol good for sex? or is it just suitable to get people into the mood. cause that night i did admit i got the urge to hug. but i just go cold shower and lie in bed to call you.

but i heard about your MOS outing on wednesday. i was worried you changed. about taking photos. saying you were hot. yes you have always been hot. but really need others to take photo with you and treat you drinks for you to know that? when i say you dont believe? but be careful about your drinks. thats what i always say. i dont want to hear anything bad.

turn left turn right. you say you will be at JE. i alight and run but you board my train. kinda like a movie huh. Fate-less. im always so simple minded (dumb?) for you, and you always impatient? well i thought you will know i will alight no matter what you say about leaving..

april 1st. 0137am. i sms you. i call you. then you ask me go toilet. but i understand you cant last. if only i was around to help. cause girls tend to have this problem. but you leaked out something. you said "tml your house got people?" i cant guess what you trying to mean.. tell me?

was glad you said you wont go madam wong's. and i was apologetic cant treat you bubble tea ( yes if i go i treat .. ok..) but you dont want come out later in the night. cause you going HIS house tml. (hmm)

-duno whos the guy who ask you. and u say man utd wil win. so why dont ask him for shoe. cause man utd won.-

arsenal 5-0. oomph..
when will you support me.

i heard people around me grow. experience. mature. i thought i was fortunate when we had each other. now im so ordinary.

but no. i wont pressure anyone. sorry if the start of the week made you crazy. i called didnt i. brain woke up by beer.

(hmm this week saw my GTR R34 zoom past outside camp bus stop! wee hao gan dong. but still if i can i will get 1.. and get my gf/lao po ( if i will have ..) a Mini Cooper S (camp has one! funky blue! but dunno whos the driver) or a S15 Silvia. cause they still more suitable for the ladies. of course i hope my GTR will be good enough to keep us together every where. her car will be her own luxury. hee. lol. daydream again..)

announcement: officially i dont have to stay in camp le. but i not booking out everyday. perhaps this is the ideal arrangement for people with gf. can go out everyday at night. but me? if theres program then i go out ba. or else. just stay in camp and stare at walls. is just too bad i go through this alone.

my bro bday 2 april. happy birthday. dont be like me mei you yong. fight for what you want. you will get it de.

(oh ya. YOU praying to uncle they all at the teple? send my regards. if they still remember what i said to them. thx.)