-paying it forward. to u-

another week passed in EDT. target appts met. target closings not met. its ok i guess. nobody said its going to be easy. paying it forward and helping people. some people dont want to be helped. but its ok i did my part.

one of the most signifcant first things u said
"u wanted to do a job or something in future that will help people"
ur right. and so i do agree. why are we so much alike. and perhaps being so much alike made it difficult to have two "same" people together.

the exact words i wanted to say yesterday after supper
(holding your hands) " actually i still love u and im still concerned for your well being. that is why i want to pay it forward to u by helping u whenever wherever i can without asking for any favours back from u. of course i want u to live happily and without any worries for the future that is why i let u go dream and set specific targets to see what u want to do after schooling. if not u wont be able to see the path u want to take. u are special and important to me and i dont want to see anything untowards happen to u. sometimes i dont know what u are thinking when u look away silently or dont pay attention [or u just pretend?]. but i hope u dont fear me and dont doubt my intentions. cause alot of things now i cant directly influence and only through words. people may not like change. and only listen to things that interest them. thats why i hope u will take what i say seriously. all the best [my dear]"
but i didnt say the entire thing. i didnt want to let u go frustrated hearing stuff u didnt want to hear. but i was glad u took what i said seriously this morning and told me ur more specific targets already. i m very glad u listened. i will help u in what ever ways possible. because i feel that i should.

going for the best in life doesnt mean u have to forgo other little things along the way.
hitting the target isnt the most rewarding thing cause its the journey that lets u gain more.

u can ask me about buying u adidas and "shoe-shoe" [shu-shu.. the way u pronounce]
but why i just cant understand why cant he buy for u? he doesnt know? he cant afford? u two cant share?
or just that u cant bear to spend his money.

so what about me. what about the bigger things i plan for u.

this morning. i can already guess u going his house. i dont mind accompany u on the way on the phone. and all the messages u type that i didnt see but u look and guess who i send my sms to. but why i just dont know why. u cant repeat things to me when i cant hear them properly. u know how bad i feel? is it my fault that my hearing not so good? and that i cant ask? sorry k.. i dont know reallydontknow

i dont know if u are angry. u just put down the phone. but nvm u going to his house. maybe he will cheer u up.

i can only gripe about the times when i can do more. cause 2nd chances dont usually come.

fetching home.suppers.see my friend.sitting downstairs.talking.staring at the sky.walking home.
tired? yes? but a fair price to pay. cause i know i was there.

- mmm? thx for having me in the memories -

an interesting conversation-
aeroplaneee
v louud
haha i thot wad
ur so cute
ah?
i said b4 ah
u got that "wana protect u" aura tats special
between inital_d and me
haha. i cut my hair. ;)

tingting put our conversation in blog. hmm so i might as well. sheesh.

-its just my duty (that i want to be there for u)-

im only 3080 paces away from Heaven
i know because i counted on my walk home.
thats nearly 4.7km away

but thats also where i hide my tears from u.
cause i dont want u to feel my pain.
as much as i feel that i need to listen to what u have to say from the way u behaved.

did i free ur mind? to think about what u really want? and not what is restricting u?

and i only want to hook ur little finger dont get me wrong. and promise we will be happy and work hard for our own futures.

so i walked every step home. and saw a girl lie face down on a guy lap at a bus stop at JP. and the guy beating her back like a massage. sleeping? i dont know. than saw Bangladeshi workers talking on the stairs. than saw maids (i think) walking opposite my direction. i need so much a person to hear me when i want to be heard, and talk to me when i want to be there. but i dont hear anything from u. maybe u dont see the need to share with me. but accompany u home is not just that. i know my limit.

20/06/2006 20:06 so what if i said to u. nobody was by my side at that moment.

i scrimp and save now. i can onlyhope for a better tomorrow. and i want to leave these misery behind forever and not to worry about finances. and thats when i can ensure urs too.

i dont want to sell u stuff. why dont u believe me? and even a free try-on. no. u must think that i want to ask u buy or join? and still want to ask me go after others? why. why?

以泪洗脸。会更看清楚生命吗？

we are too alike. is that our greatest obstacle?
its hard not to think cause it floats back unknowingly
i dont really want u to hear these.
but maybe when i have a piece of u and u have a piece of me already its just impossible to take away

sorry if u think im mad. but its not everyday i can find time like these. at the playground looking at the sky. with people like u. even though u are happy and content (?) with him now..

-twirl me around the little finger of urs-

EDT day 1. Passion. Wealth. yea. i have the reputation to uphold. not a big deal. im gonna be the Champion! Los Amigos will rock the 1st EDT!

ya thought cant meet u. go meet bf (after that then i know. just go city hall awhile because of that) then i waiting there. then u dont reply dont pick up call i thought why. maybe i know why ...i should shut up. how are the two of you liao?

is great that we can still sit downstairs to talk like kids. like we used to. i shouldnt have looked upstairs and notice no lights. then we can talk forever? but the blank sky with a few dim stars. and calling out "bye" and looking at ur window. slowly walk away i thought dont disturb u or scare u .. u r still the mysterious girl i fell in love with. thats what passion that lies within. what drives. despite the fact it may never occur again. nvm ?

got once i bought the aloe vera for u when u want it very much. then i deliver to u before my exam u like very angry with me. i dunno man. girls are so powerful. i dont know what will scare u like i did before. i dont know how to impress u like i knew before. all i know i remember alot of things i wont forget. but if u really think im like before.. i can only weep. other than that i wish u happiness in what ever u do. take care. and u look jaded. u shouldnt be that way...

dont say u want to die before the end of the world. there are alot people who will miss u.

-只要对你好，我都会做到-

thunder and lightning rumble. i was jolted awake. first reaction is still to call u. but i didnt want to risk waking u up. so just sms. thought u wont reply sometimes nowadays. or call me and put down. but just hope u werent affected. perhaps u not scared anymore.

EDT starting on Sat. just chiong chiong chiong! all the signs point to me succeeding as champion. i wont let it all go to waste. always go for the best, but not necessarily miss the opportunities along the way i wont say no pressure. mentors and downlineage all point to me. i will work hard. and finally get something that is mine. HURRAH!

go go jiayou! (oops. Ling today lose bet.. 3 goals become 6 goals.. waaahh)

hope u are ok. not totally well dont go work ba. idont know what will happen if the people there dont know how to take care of u.. and just well dont eat fast food like me. get well then can spend the mney u earn. not on medicine.. understand? and u got no money to top up farecard is it?

working hard. still clash with that stupid KM. stupid faggot. generation gap? mmore like from other planets ba. i dont need to work well with you. as long as you dont give me trouble when i managing my platoon thank you very much. and you dont know how bad you are in all our minds. urgh. to think we have to see you for so long somemore.. aiyeeee

- why. cant. i ?-

i should not have said all this. all i know is i cant do it as well as i said before. used to be so easy.

Ur bf at ur house. well maybe u get sick more he will show face more ba? then can take care of u. for me really, im just a friend who cannot show face or concern le. i just want to drop by see how are u. but no i cant. no i dont blame anyone. of course i want u to be well. so whats best for u just go ahead ba. dont work so much le.

walk along the pasar malam. i couldnt control. 1 big cheese burger 1 roti john 1 taiwan sausage 1 chicken wing then orange juice coke and plain water. i go crazy. maybe its best i eat away what my mind is occupied is going on and on about. divert my attention. who said its going to be easy? the things that i want. i dont even want to think about the things i cant control. but i have gotten used to these "brain-crazy thinking modes" le.

hope i dont stomachache. tml going back into camp. hope u recover soon. put a flask in your room and drink more water. im not mad at not being able to go. just. u know la. the more i say later the more scared/frustrated u are. nvm

-why dont u want (to take care of yourself)-

sunday booking in sick. walking as fast as i can. in my long sleeve cotton shirt. trying to sweat it out. its tuesday le and my fever is 4 days old. it doesnt feel warm. just very irritating. and no i didnt measure temperature. its too common. sigh

i even forgot what i wanted to write for blog. duh. oh ya jennifer jio me go church. hmm. maybe see see ba? but feels kinda weird also. dont know. dont think so. but how to reject.. nvm. just ..forget it ba.
i dunno how to go out with girls anyway.

why u sick u can still try to go to work? is money really so important to u? and not going or not going off will harm u more than staying ma? dont say im irresponsible, im only responsible if u meet anything unfortunate. and ur boss, u sick still dont let u go? i complain to MOM k. he cant get anything out a sick employee too! now u may say im exaggerating.. but have u thought of the consequences.. to u as well as me?
u say vomit green stuff. u know how worried im? even my friends thought i talking to new gf. i just scared u get dengue or what.. worse..like me. but touch wood k. u better stay home eat and sleep well. drink alot water. and only go out/work when u 100%. see what i meant when i say that night u not well want go out so late..

20 years old le. must take care of urself. ur not like me. im more used to it. i going running tml morning. then sweat it all out i should be fine le. and i can understand why u dont want my medicine.

its too bad that im me. i cant be sweet.

when im sick i make myself warmer and sweat. maybe next time can try making me hotter when im sick. cause i can do IT 4 times a day. proven. but just to get myself sweat. whats the point. the feeling's lost anyway. no more.

tuesday drop by singapore pools. get a few bread. and my dinner porridge. then i went out and realised if i had taken lesser time to get home, i would have been crushed under a Mazda 3.. yes. the car crashed in front of my house traffic light. the one i always cross and run without waiting the lights to change. i could have been there. but seeing the crowd and the truck towing the car away.. i just want go home and eat and rest.

mind's been pretty empty.. if only i could help ease your suffering. in anyway.

[scorpions dance with their tails straight up at the 12 o clock sun. at their sexual peak. they dance with the female until they are satisfied and they mate. dragonflies fly around each other and mate in mid flight, following one another. the animal kingdom's way of courtship = attract- sex - family - happily ever after. thats why sometimes im ashamed for us humans. humans do the flirting and attraction, then get married and have sex and a family. yet it doesnt mean they all remain faithful like animals. see how the reverse pattern works for animals? humans are less great than many animals after all. but it doesnt mean humans can live with the animal's love pattern.]

i wanna be a dragonfly. cause i saw this pair flying around me in the afternoon sun. yes they are joined to each other and following where the first one leads it to fly.

rest well. reply me when u can. or maybe i can go find u.. day off. do what..?

-my strength-

u were my strength when i was weak
u were my voice when i couldnt speak
u were my eyes when i couldnt see
when u were around i was alright

LEARN TO LET GO OF EVERYTHING YOU FEAR TO LOSE

i m going that way.

maybe parallel lines will meet again one day.
but im not holding my breath.
cause its suffocating me already
(but i still hope u will be the first to sit in my car. but until now nobody cuts the queue. im not waiting too)

seeing how Anakin got corrupted by love and wanting the best for himself and Padme in
Star Wars Episode 3. i m so deply sadden by his promise. yes im like him in a way.
i love. i know what is right. and i want the best for us. but it seems going for what you want can also make you fear what you may lose. so i have lost. and Anakin lost Padme when he failed to see that he was blinded by the power and confidence.

chasing shadows. seeing how my local two cakeshops fighting over customers. 4 for $2 became 5 for $2. shouting "warm bread!" this type of life of fighting for money is not for me. yes im losing my fighting spirit again. why? because im having fever and seeing my spending ability go down? i dont want any excuses.

fly away. be lost in the midst of the billions of people in the world. tomorrow is a new day. i have no fear of the unknown. because i know i can do something to it. and not just worry and give in to people who dont cherish.

-i miss sex ( i wish i could say that) -

冻结那一天
冻结初遇那一天
冻结那爱恋
冻结吻你那瞬间

冻结那空间
冻结有你那世界
冻结那画面
冻结不让它溶解

JJ lin - 冻结. some part of the beautiful meanings read and enjoy the full lyrics click me

thursday 8 june. well im back from Tigerstride. well i nearly died there. twice. my boot was caught in the camouflage net and nearly send me flying off the vehicle. then on the last day i had to coordinate my people when i ran across the road without looking and the incoming vehicle nearly ran into me. i dont know what caused me to stop. i just didnt notice the things around me. days of blistering cold and rain and controlled sleep. i was fortunate to come back i think. then i admit i was weak. that i thought about U the whole week. and i was waiting for your calls. and that voice.....

friday off. didnt know what to do. went down coy to refresh what i had missed out about 2 weeks worth of stuff. and made a target to earn USD200 this week. and were talking about strategy and the girls talking about how to bet for world cup. i dont feel good about this time anyways. see how it all goes . and well i guess girls and me still dont mix. because i dont see why Angeline still so secretive even though i went home with her a few times already that cant even say her birthday openly and only to Von? joke.. but well i dont really keep it in mind. just that haha Von also agree sometimes Angeline so blur we can go different frequency. "angel + devil" and "half a pair of wings"

sat. went out with meiz. haha silly girl sms me when the train arrive, and luckily she could finish her homework in time. and she got treats from two uncles who struck 4D..hehe shh..
Reservations = Jump queue heh! took photo in our big BIG ROOM number 806. wa its so big that can lie down can jump up and down and nobody can do anything. sing alot of songs, and meiz only snatch my song parts to sing. lol and thats why she so happy somemore. bish. Taurean oddities? and yahoo finally someone can complement my 珊瑚海 and 被风吹过的夏天. ya but can see she enjoys life so much more now without him. (and the cutest thing is meiz mummy still ask her careful when go out with me. diao. wanted go talk to her mummy but meiz say very weird. haha. not even boyfriend or what leh..) been sometime since i walked around cck. so just walk back to meiz void deck. and she really thought i will go up. but im serious what. just want her to be trusted more . slowly . thats what i been through. (,")
buy G2000 pants, belt. and have no idea why the nice shirt meiz chose looks weird with my pants. so didnt buy the shirt. sigh..

Question: U ask me go orchard. U 2 ate but i was hungry. then Jiali left. so u ask me to go down to accompany u before ur other friend meet u? hello. i dont know but i feel that what am i? a bodyguard or a replacement to call for when u need? like that? a few hours only and leave after ur friend comes? i know i give in a lot to u. but surely this is asking too much? and im having fever right now shivering in my pyjamas. it doesnt matter that i can turn back in the train, but the reason i be there is .. ??

爱虽然很美妙　却不能为了寂寞　又陷如两人痛苦的情形

i had visions. of the first movie we went. and the last sentosa that we enjoyed. and the time at JP mac when u said in front of Faezah that i could never compare to him. and the time outside the door when i cried and you activated so many people. that i scared u.

its said when a person is going to leave the world the past flashes past. all i know is my heart knows its directions and i never meant any fear. and if people all judge me by my past i can only regret who brought me up this way.
but who will let me try my own way now. sometimes there are no second chances. no. make it theres never a second chance for me. if only people can go through what i see in my eyes. and what pains im now immune to.

爱要耐心等待　仔细寻找　感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　等候一次　真心的拥抱

who is o give in? and when is it wrong to continue giving in?
the difference between a guy and a girl is that a guy can never show pain.
thats why he has to cry and scream into a pillow and put on a brave face when he is shattered into pieces inside. i know this is the third time. but i wont cry anymore no more over any girl after tonight.
good morning world. not that i haven woken up. i have tried forgeting.

那次流过的泪　让我学习到如何祝福　如何转身不要 在眼泪体会到 爱不是一种需要

at Empire Club that monday night for steamboat. lol. i look dumb. later Ling ask why i scared of her sit so far away. haa.. 

-counting..down-

hmmm did i mentioned i am handpicked/promoted to IC for my platoon by CSM?
means im in charge! finally get to take charge of them.. now to settle what they have to say. and make sure they dont give me trouble.
but what if i didnt turn out great? it wont be my fault. cause there are already bastards in the platoon that turn people round their fingers. but doesnt mean i give up. i will flatten them..

i didnt see your call. dunno why u never reply my sms.

nvm.

about 13 hours left to to exercise start...

take care. i will try sms u de. jiayou for tests and everything

-visions of visions and U-

a cute dog that jumps around suddenly bites me when i went to hug it in my arms.
freely shopping with U that we hug and kiss like before, no matter who is around. (said this before..)
people i have never seen before that are protected by me.
people asking me out, feeling lost when i think that i m still keeping myself for u.

all these visions in my nights. they have to mean something. if not i wouldnt feel attached to them.

will there ever be someone who will turn back the head as we leave, and not just myself looking back at the departing backview of u?

i think its beautiful when you have something to work for and a motivation to drive you. for i only have my own future to build for now. not OURs. but no im not escaping the responsibility of u.

u will always be my soft spot no matter what. there are after all only two special people in my life only.

so how do u think of the people whom once seem so perfect and good
when i always say it takes someone who suits u knows u and truly cares for u to be really with u all the time.
words can be cheap. but actions can still be fake
what is true is only the heart and the feelings that wont leave.
hope u 2 talk it out. its not for my advantage. i stand aside only to lend my ears and shoulders.

stupid Ben took my wallet to check for gf photos. tell him dont have he wont believe. "i wish i had one too" i said. and i guarantee she will be a good Lumimi model definitely. then he ask "why? u see her naked before ah?"
i dont think theres a need to answer that.

tuesday night dreamt that u were at my neighbourhood shop and theres a gang of people harrassing u. i had to fight them off, dunno why i had these weapons. but no i dont get it. your friends just pull u away like im the enemy. i saw the look in your eyes. yes u didnt trust me at all. after all i did. i couldnt help it so i just let u go. i did my part to ensure u are safe.

than 1st june night/2nd june moring
i dreamt that i propose that i want you back
and u agreed.
and i brought u to my house to sleep over.
new house.
we were happily into our stuff.
and next day i show u to everyone anxiously. i dont ever want to forgo this chance again.
nothing went wrong. its absolutely perfect!

and then i woke up. i wanted to punch everyone and everything.
why put me through this when i could just carry on in my dream life. even if i die that way at least i will die happily. but no.
now i can only pray. that this is the ONLY thing i will want granted

wednesday night. i didnt go out the whole week. i didnt want to spend money. not even on myself. so i ate leftover dumplings from lunch for my dinner. then just sleep early. i hope u dont think i dont want to buy your shoes. or earrings. i looking all the time. and i have not even spend on my formal clothes.

dont understand why u dare me to put in when u dare me to do IT. and wanting me to go over for the night. am i considered only worthy of a night fling, or are there just somethings that others cant give to u? whatever it is i dont blame u. cause i dont see myself giving it to others.

how do u like the breakfast "in bed". i said i would go over. just to see u/ pass u the card and self made bookmark. anything else would be a bonus. but i learnt never to have my hopes up so high.. cause the fall will be harder. jiayou for your exams. and dont tire for working two days in a row.

.. / .-.. --- ...- . / -.-- --- ..- i sent to u. will u know morse to crack it?
-enD-

(just realised the whole entry dedicated to U) .. diao.. exercise starts tml..